. . .turn around.

The summer left me desolate. I had given up. I was prepared to throw this life away and disappear forever. I wanted this life to end, but I did not want to die. I just wanted a new life, one with a purpose. I needed a direction other than the one I was on. I tried desperately to create one on my own. Strike out! No! Not going to happen! I wrestled with myself. I knew I would just be back in the same mess as always, the same sad unproductive state that has been the sum of my years on this earth. I couldn’t leave. I could only pretend to be running away for short periods of time, only to just crawl back. What is the plan then? Why is there such a desire in me to run, to never settle; while all the time in conflict, I have an undesirable compulsion to stay the course; stay true to the right! Damn the right! . . . the higher choice, the responsibility. Who do I live for if not me? I’ve answered my own question. I want nothing for myself. that’s the truth of it. If I wanted anything for myself it would be far more peace than what is offered in this life. If I wanted to save myself, I would feel no compulsion to be responsible. Yet I do feel responsible. So much so that it aches my very soul that I can do little for it. What is you plan for me?