I was decided. I was done- done with it all. I was done with this state- for good this time too. I was going to just get up and go- find my own way, be my own person. No more waiting. No more wondering. I just needed to get out. Then a revelation. No. I can not leave. I need to stay another year. Why? For what? But I couldn’t deny it. I knew all to well the truth of it. I needed to stay. Another year. Six months. I’ll stay six months. Make it fast, make it clear, make it six months. Ok. Six months. I hate this state- I despise these people- I need something to keep me sane for the time. I decided to try my hand at school again- it will keep me busy- keep my mind off things. I took a loan. A loan I cannot repay. I don’t care really. If things work out, then I will care- but if they don’t, then I am gone. Gone for good. Loans don’t matter to me. Nothing matters to me- nothing but my responsibility to honor that which I know is right. I must stay. Finally, I feel a sense of purpose. I don’t know what it is- but it is coming. And I have a time to expect it. This I can endure. I said though, at the end of my patience, I will not seek it- make it clear. I was intending only to endure this time remaining- to hold steadfast to the commitments I had already made- and fall no further than I was. If I was to be more- then let me be more- but I will not go looking for it. Not anymore.
I kept to myself. I loaded on the classes. I was going to keep my head in my school and make an honest effort at it. Maybe this is what I have been waiting for- a reason. . . I am not a good student. It is too much for me. I can’t do it well and hold down a job. I needed to drop some courses. If I didn’t have to work I would be fine- I really would. 18 credits is not that hard- but my job wares me down too much. I wait a week or two to see how I am doing- but I can’t find the time to do my math homework. Dropped. That’s good. I can sleep another hour now. Good choice. A chance opportunity at another course just opened- same time as another, harder course; dropped. Another good choice. That lightens my load quite a bit. I need to drop one more. It’s a conflict. One, I know will be a demanding course- that doesn’t frighten me- I just don’t know if I have the time. And the other is. . . Well. . . I let myself get behind already. That makes that an easier decision. Dropped. That gives me time now. I should be ok with the hard one now- now I can just focus on school and work, and nothing else. Just when I think I’m all settled. . . Just when I think I have it all figured out. . . Something always comes up. I wanted to give up on that course- I wanted to quit. It didn’t seem to be going anywhere. But every time I got to that point of total disinterest, something struck me. It was intriguing again. And so I stayed. Now it’s to late to drop it. I might as well try. And once again, God put an angel in my life. This one is different. I see her different than any other before. At first, I admit, I only saw the physical. At first, all I wanted was that. But something deep inside me wouldn’t let me see her that way. Something deep inside me said “this one is special.” I couldn’t help myself but to see her with different eyes from then on. I was comfortable with her. She was a friend instantly. The first time we really spoke, was after class. We spent the rest of the day together. I instantly loved her. And I did not want to. She inspired me to be better. I wanted to be better because I knew, for me, someone like her was just impossible. She was too good for me- she is still. I needed to change, a lot. Damn love! I will not say it- I will not let it. . . I will fight it off! Damn love. But there is never enough time in a day. We cursed the sunset when we had to part. We cursed the distance that kept us apart. And in our hearts we secretly cursed our faith- our upbringing- our duties. We cursed the right and we cursed integrity. But mostly just the hours of the days, when there wasn’t enough time. Happiness is strange to me. I am happy. She makes me happy. And I made her happy too. She tells me she loves me. I hesitate. I don’t want to say it. Not ever. Not to anyone ever again. But I do, love her. More than life. I choke my pride and say it. I love you. We say it like it’s all we know. But those words are not enough. No words are enough, but ‘I love you’ is what we have so we say it. Over and over and over again we say it. Each time with new inflection, each time as if it has new meaning from the last. I love you. More than life. More than music. More than singing. More than writing. More than a summer breeze. More than the stars, more than the moon, more than there are grains sand on the beaches of all the shores in all the world, I love you. More than life, I love you. Nothing else matters.
I prayed for someone to come. Someone to love, and someone to love me. I prayed for someone who is good to me, someone who will encourage me in my goals and dreams. And he sent me you. I love you. And I know- I am meant for you- to save you.
I have been broken for so long. I have sought out every avenue I can on my own only to find I can go nowhere. I have been lost for so long- I do not hardly no where to turn to find my way back. I prayed for a purpose. I prayed for help. I prayed for a direction. He sent me you. I do not want to be lost anymore. Help me find my way back to the fold. Help me find strength. Let me borrow from you, your faith and courage, until I can find my own again. Let me borrow your strength, and in return I will promise you- I will not be lost again. I will make it. And all you sacrifice for me will never be in vain. I promise you I will stand again in honor and favor, and I will contend for you and your sacrifice for me. For you have saved me when no one else would. And you have shown me who I can be- who I was meant to be- and have taught me that I am not lost, that I can find my way back again, and that there is light in my eyes- no matter how dim it is now, it is there. And it is hope, courage, integrity, and love that I have forgotten ever existed. Forgive me the times that I have failed you. Forgive me all the times that I was not who I am meant to be. Forgive me my weaknesses. Forgive me for all the times when I am down an myself, the times when I don’t know I can make it. Forgive me my weak faith. Forgive me my weak mind. Forgive me for not treating you as you should be, like an angel. Forgive me all this. Forgive me for not being worthy of you. I am not worthy to hear your voice, or speak your name- let alone have kissed your lips. Forgive me for not being stronger sooner. But I am saved. I would not ask all this without fulfilling my promise to you- that I am found again. I know the path home again. And I would like to walk it with you. I love you, more than life. Forgive me.