Apart

is this it? I wonder. As the tears begin to fill my eyes, I can't help but wonder- it this when it hits me? I've held together so well, for so long. But now. . . It creeps up on me. As my eyes begin to water and my breathing is interrupted, my head aches from it all. I get terrible headaches when I cry. My jaw tightens and my neck goes stiff. All I want to do is sleep. But I am not tired. I would only dream anyway. Dreams are for children. They only shield you from reality- a reality from which we all should be protected. Maybe most of us are. That's how we survive. I don't dream anymore. I used to dream. But life. . . a life worth living- that's the dream now. Reality is when I am asleep. Nothing. No thoughts when I awake- no memories, no regrets, nothing. That's reality. But not mine. I think happiness is a word made up to describe an unobtainable phantom. We use it to describe what we don't have- to balance what we do against that dream. What a race we are- to have such a word as happiness. It doesn't exist in any order of things. It exists in the absence of them. We couldn't even know its meaning if it weren't for the fact that we live without it. So who asked to be happy? Who said this is not the way it is meant to be? The one who did such a disservice to man kind should be heralded as the greatest fool ever born. To seek something so vain, so deceptive, so illusive- even imaginary- as happiness. . . . I would like to know his name- so I can curse it. Damn the fool who enlightened us as to the sorry state of our naturality! Damn the fool who imagined this thing- this fairytale dream of life! May he rot in hell for having ever spoken the word! Happiness!? Please, don't speak to me of happiness- don't speak to me of dreams and fairies. Tell me of the world as it is. Take the blinders from your eyes and realize that the dream is dead. Only then could you even begin to know the meaning of the word happiness. And only then would you find yourself in a position to seek it- if it is even obtainable at all. Maybe not in this life- I have some doubt. But in the next, maybe. What a curse to the world, the notion of happy.