So many people. . . I remember most of their names still- the ones left behind. I remember the first person I new as a friend- the only person I can ever remember from my early childhood that I called my friend. I don't remember his name. I don't really even remember him, just a single memory of shouting out across the grocery store to him as I was being lead away by my oldest brother.
I remember one of my first play dates. I was too young to talk, and was barely getting around on my own two legs. I remember we played with legos- or probably mega blocks. Her name escapes me, but I remember her blonde curls and blue eyes. I don't recall ever seeing her again.
My brothers became my playmates. My friends became the trees. My best friend became the sky, because it never changed. No matter where I moved to or how many people were left to the past there would always be a friendly tree, and there would always be the sky.
Everything became simpler that way. People weren't there to be cared about they were curiousities to be observed. They began to fall into categories. Based on their looks, or based on their natures, everyone I met became classified and categorized. Certain looks began to correspond with certain attitudes, certain qualities one might have began to become apparent to me upon site. I could tell things about a person that they themselves could hardly realize, I could tell the ones worth meeting, and the ones better to stay away from. I was never wrong.
I never cared for anyone of certain types. They never warranted it. That one was always going to disappoint, and this one was always going to quit, while so many just don't have a clue about anything- they are hardly worth considering. I began to wonder if I would ever name another human my friend. But as life grew older and circles became more specific people became more interesting, and new qualities began to manifest; qualities that became respectable, or sympathetic. The humans had more depth- I had more depth. Soon I began to name friends along my way through life. No longer were they chosen by circumstance. Instead, they were now chosen by qualities admired. I chose the people I liked, and discarded the rest.
I chose to surround myself with surface qualities like courage, beauty, intelligence, and quirks. These I believed I could either absorb or dominate them. They gave me a place and identity, but none of it was mine. I couldn't absorb the courage of another just by standing beside them as they rebelled. The beauty and intelligence of others simply made me feel dull and plain. And the quirkiness of others merely accented my own social failings, drawing them not into an endearing light but into awkward and painful revelation. I'm withdrawn.
It would be a decade before I try to have friends again. In all that time I would draw near to only a few. Amanda was a charm I carried in my heart for some time. I never knew her well enough to call her friend, but well enough to love her. But love is a choice. I saw something in her that I wanted in my life, something I lacked. It helped me through some of my darkest times knowing that there was something out there that was worth the fighting, worth living for- even if I'd never see it again in any one.
Six years later I called some one my friend. That was wishful thinking. A year later I called some one else my love. That too would pass. Two years later I had more friends that I ever imagined I would. They've all but evaporated since then. Friends based on common circumstances are bound to fade as one's circumstances change. I have no illusions or ill feelings about that. I just wish that in my journey towards expression I could find some consistency to keep me grounded. But then again, if my ideas about friendship where never tested I would never have had some of my most precious moments in life, nor would I have had my most painful.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
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True friends never go away. You may not see them for awhile, or even speak to them, but they are always there!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I'm still learning how to be that kind of friend. But I'm glad I have a few.
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