I have plenty of excuses. A late in life diagnosis of asbergers, I was taken out of school at the 4th grade, I am an extreme introvert & all else you can infer from those conditions; add in a disfunctional family environment too.
I used to excuse myself as being ten years behind in general. At 30 I'd see 20 yr olds so far ahead... at 40 I see 30 yr olds now where I thought I would be today. But that's the trap- and it doesn't matter the age.
I have my own personal weaknesses. They have theirs. In the end we all die and leave it all behind.
I used to be mentally unstable. I spent my 20s sorting that out. To the world I was wasting a decade of my prime. In reality I was securing myself a future. My 30s I spent thinking and just trying to be a good human. Again, to the world, I was wasting my time; lazy and unmotivated.
I met my wife in those years. Amazingly she sticks with me. So maybe I was building something. Maybe when we are focused on ourselves the last thing we build is ourselves.
At the end of my 20s I killed myself- the end of a decade of sorting myself out ended in a suicide. Maybe there's a lesson in that.
At 32 I have myself over to just being. I spent a lot of time outside, taking care of my mother's yard, trying to be available to others. I gave up completely on building anything of my own. Then I met my wife.
10 years later I have a life I never expected; a wife, a house, 2 little dogs. I didn't buildt it. It was given me. What I did was stop racing with the world and made myself available to it. I would have none of it today if I didn't learn thay one lesson in life and literally kill that version of myself.
I don't recommend suicide but I do understand how people get there. Still today I could compare my life to my generational peers and feel completely useless. But I'd have to discount everything my life is, all the good. That's exactly what I did when I killed myself before. It's a trap that anyone can fall in to.
Life isn't about what we don't have; it isn't even about what we do. Life is about building the kingdom of god. That's not a religious point, it's a point of fact. Whatever you are putting your energy into will be a god over you; your career, your family, your peers, your causes will all rule over you with supernatural powers.
Build the kingdom of God. In otherwords: be good. When you do you make yourself available to the good that will come your way.
I'm not there yet. I still have all those issues in this world; I still have a lot to catch up on. But being available to the future means not getting bogged down by the past or the now, or the what ifs and the have nots of life.
Suicide is a growing problem in the world. Too many people are being told they are defined by their failures and by what they aren't.
Too many kinds are falling into the trap of thinking they need to race their peers through life goals.
Too many adults are being told they have to catch up, conform or get left behind.
Too many are being told that opting out is the better option, even a virtue to humanity.
But all of them are members of God's kingdom. There is no opting out, there is only what we choose to build. Misery is a choice. Suicide doesn't end misery or sadness. It creates more.
Suicide is a selfish act. It also takes a lot of courage. To anyone thinking about it I would ask that you please don't rob this world of your courage. It is in short supply here and we need yours.
Ironically, it is your courage that is being manipulated by social media and world culture and is the key to standing against the world saying "f- off, I can do it my way."
But when trapped in rat-race thinking courage becomes a burden, and placement seems paramount.
No comments:
Post a Comment