Feeling like Wyatt Earp

Wyatt Earp was born mid 1800s and died 1929.

His entire life was horse and cariage, steam trains- old west stuff.

He saw flight go from novelty to commercial. He saw machinery take over every aspect of human life. He saw the invention of automobiles, electric power, radios, tv. He saw them become common place (tv being the exception- but he saw it coming.)

He saw the great war machine erase an entire generation of young men. He saw the rise of feminism, national socialism, progressivism.

He saw the national parks initiative. The paving of roads and building of dams.

They were all firsts. New ideas that transformed the world he knew and lived through into something futuristic and completely foreign to everything he knew.

My father was born in 1950. In his lifetime he has seen the world Wyatt Earp left behind change into yet another foreign future to his generation.

Automobiles are now high tech space aged earth bound vessels- some even driving themsevles now totally autonomous. His generation went to the moon and back again, only to be called cranks by their grandchildren. "Did that really happen though?"

He lived through political coups and assassinations, the cold war, the space race.

He saw the highways expand into the vast freeway systems we see today.

He saw poverty virtually dissapear in America, only to be strategically applied to politically undesirables.

He saw the genocide of abortion erase more generations than all wars of his life combined- a father of seven, he saw America shift to a negative birth rate.

He saw computers go from filling entire floors of a high rise to fitting on your desktop, and in your hand.

He saw the commercialization of everything- the expansion of everything to sheer abundance. . . and the then outsourcing of that abundance- the outsourcing of America, the factories his father worked closed down- entire industries rise and fall. Now AI. . .

He'll die in a world as foreign to him as his was to that Old West Marshall. 

He will likely see space flight become somewhat accessible to the average person, as flight was in 1929.

He might see AI revolutionalize industries and change the human/work dynamic in ways unimaginable to him.

He might see the utter collapse of the western world and free markets and the rise of Islam in America. The end of freedom.

I was born in 1981. The world I grew up in is already gone.

I wonder. . . As Wyatt Earp saw the world change, was there hope for humanity in his eyes when he died? I think so.

Here I am feeling like Wyatt Earp living in a world I barely recognise, knowing this future is going to be even more foreign to me- envious of my father who might can see it with some hope, as he will not have to live much longer through it.

I am envious of Wyatt Earp dying when he did, before WWII in the opulence of the roaring 20s, before the crash, the poverty, the Nazis. . . Before the horrors he was probably too hopeful to see coming.

I am envious of his world. How I would rather have been born in 1881 rather than 1981- even if to die in the great war with so many noble men. . . Just a little younger than I am now. Envious of their legacies.

Maybe we all feel a little like the aging Wyatt Earp, reminiscing of the good ol' days, the glory days. . . The '80s the '90s. . . The past, ours or some one elses shot we missed out on. 

Was it really like that? I myself wonder sometimes- even though I saw it. We all have to face the future with the past behind us and answer "yes, give or take a lie or two." and move onward into that unknown just as our fathers did, no matter how long we have in it. This is our time. Only ours.

Reflections of a 45 year old

When I was a kid, and all through my teens, my dream life was to serve in the military– do something cool like Rangers or MP– and then work for the FBI or some other federal law enforcement.

None of that happened.

I tried to join the army a couple times, once during Bush's presidency and once during Obama's.I formally submitted papers only once with a recruiter in the early 2000s. I was rejected. I filed an appeal with the Pentagon and never got a response.

I talk with a recruiter again before I aged out, but the consensus was it wasn't gonna happen.In that time I learned and worked my trade. I genuinely don't know if it was for better or worse. Having that plan fall apart made my life fall apart.

The Army was always a safe choice, a sure thing. For me it wasn't just a sure thing, it was a chosen path since I was like 5 years old. I had no contingency for rejection.

I grew up mostly off the grid, outside the school systems. I may have finished k- 3rd grade, but after that it was a couple weeks in 4th grade and then I never saw the inside of a school til I was 20 or so. I wasn't prepared for life in the modern world at all, but I never worried too much about that because I was smarter than the average uneducated joe, and the Army took just about everyone– or so I believed.

At 20 my folks divorced while I was away for a summer visiting my brothers. I became stuck in a new place. I worked at a call center and began making life plans. I should have signed up then and there, but then 911 happened. I talked with recruiters, but I didn't want to be canon fodder, so I waited. I got my GED and went to college.

ROTC wasn't available to me because I had no highschool. I would watch those guys and gals with envy as they seemed to be always running in a group around campas. I loved running too, so it kinda irked me even more.

I wasn't a great student. I'd get bored half way through a semester and my grades would tank. As much as I liked college, it wasn't what I wanted to be doing. I was so far behind in generals anyway, that it seemed pointless to pursue a degree or career through academics. After two semesters I quit rather than take out a forever loan.That's when I tried to join the Army. Everything was fine, looked good but for one little question. 

My recruiter stopped me and told me (very carefully) not to answer it honestly. He spoke between the lines in a way, but I knew what he wanted. He wanted me to omit this detail.

The issue was a simple one. When my parents divorced, shortly after while living with my mother, at her behest I went to a psychiatrist.

The Army didn't care why or what determination the psychiatrist made. It was an automatic disqualifying event. That was policy. But to omit that information constitutes a lie, and lying on the form is also a disqualifying event and a felony.

Against my recruiter's advice, I submitted the forms as honestly answered and was rejected. An appeal was filed, letters of recommendation by the psychiatrist and others included. No answer was ever received.

That derailed my life. I became depressed, withdrew from the world, my standard american flag t-shirt and jeans wardrobe became whatever slop hand-me-downs I received. I didn't care about anything anymore for a long time.

People who knew me in this time probably remember a disheveled melancholy persona, with holes in his clothes and shoes taped together. It's true. I just wore things till they literally fell off me, or until some one made me throw it out. I wore what was convenient and available, often showing up to work or social events in pajama bottoms and a dress shirt– usually because I had no pants, but still wanted to look nicer than wearing stained and torn t-shirts everywhere. I couldn't help my shoes– duct tape kept them going long after their retire date. Shoes are expensive.

The end of this period of my life coincided with a suicide attempt. It was out of that I came to terms with being here.

A friend at the time who had personal experience on the matter summed it up perfectly when upon seeing me for the first time out of the hospital said "well what now, huh." It was exactly how I felt. He knew.

It was that same friend that got me in my trade a year or so earlier. He was a mentor that I am forever in debt to.

That was ~16 years ago. Back then I could have never imagined my life today.

Then, I desperately loved in hopes some one would return the passion. No one did, not really. I never dated anyone as desperate as myself.

Then I never thought I'd have a child, something I was still surprised about in recent years, both wanting and having a son.

Back then I never could imagine wanting to build a shop and business doing that trade I begrudgingly learned out of lack of anything else before me.

Back then I was still in the shadow of the person the world rejected and wouldn't let me become. I was angry and bitter, but didn't see it for years. Looking back I can't blame all the people who steered clear or didn't. . . (everyone but the Pentagon, those people can burn in hell for the life they denied me.)

Anyway, the point is that things do work out. I am happy today. I have it pretty good with new challenges I that couldn't even be on my radar a 16 or 20 years ago. It is what it is. 

Coming into my 40s (45 this year) considering the hand I started with, I think I'm still coming out on top– sure, I didn't get lucky, I didn't hit four aces on the draw. . . You can't win every hand. It's staying in the game that matters.

Fast forward to August 2025

Am I really in business?

(Firstly, yes. But sometimes it feels like I’m just pretending—like it’s just another image in my mind that doesn’t match up to reality.)

When we decided to move to a new state and start over, it seemed like the perfect time to go into business for ourselves.

We had a plan. We had the money. All we needed to do was do it. Or so we thought.

I have the skills required and found within myself that drive I hadn’t seen in over a decade. I was all-in. My wife was all-in. And we had a good backup plan, with a timetable to take away all the stress. Or so we thought.

Life is funny. God is funny. As soon as you make a decision—a good one—that’s when life starts to push you, to stretch you. It’s as if to say, “You’ve got it all figured out, do you? We’ll see about that.”

So, the challenges began coming our way on day one.

(Now, before you get to thinking this is a downer… Well, it is if you let it be. That is the point. As you’ll note from the title, Am I really in business?, the answer depends on what you (I, in this case) decide. Read on.)

I won’t list the challenges in full. I couldn’t if I tried. Instead, I’ll paint a picture that I hope will have meaning for both the established and seasoned entrepreneur as well as the first-time business folks (like me) who have never done this before and don’t come from a business background.

At the time of this life change, my wife and I were in our early 40s:

My wife, having been the career-minded breadwinner in our relationship, the one with education and a solid work ethic driven by having type 1 diabetes since she was eight years old, knows how to survive the corporate world because she has had to, in order to have health insurance and a comfortable wage—enough for the house, the picket fence, and so on.

And then there’s me, an emotionally burned-out Asperger’s case who has basically lived by the grace of others all my life. I never minded it before, though. I had been working in my trade in a small way for roughly 15 years, and though I know the work inside and out, how much I know about the business is still a mystery being uncovered and learned.

Neither of us had ever owned or run a business before. Working for others is always easier than taking on all the risk yourself. It’s a good gig if you aren’t driven to something more—which was the case for me most of my life.

Neither of us went to business school. I myself never attended K-12 regularly and ended up getting my GED at 23 so I could take classes at community college. At first, I pursued an associate’s degree in psychology, but after realizing the number of years’ worth of general education credits I’d have to catch up on, I decided college was better spent on other personal interests.

I spent my twenties working part-time and taking a variety of classes on theater, writing, health, and anything that struck me as fun whenever I could. I tried to maximize my learning with speed reading, but my dyslexia and ADD proved too much to overcome at the time.

Eventually, I settled into a job working as a line cook at a pool hall, where I ended my five or so years there as a manager in title only (right before the place closed down due to mismanagement). Luckily, it was through that pool hall that I met the artists who mentored me as a framer and taught me the trade I now hinge my life on.

My wife was on an upward career path shortly after we began dating. She made better money than me, and it just never made sense to do anything other than support her career opportunities as they came up. It was a minimal-risk, big-reward trajectory most of the time—but as things eventually began not paying off and demanding more, we found ourselves wanting a new dynamic.

In 2024, our little dog passed away. That winter, my wife’s corporate life ground to a somewhat shocking halt, and she took a new job with a pay cut. She liked the job and settled in fine, but that little dog left a hole in our lives. Sometime after his death, we decided to sell the house and seek out a new start.

I was done working part-time, and my health was failing. I did not handle the loss well. We sold ASAP, packed up our remaining elderly dog, and hit the road. Truth be told, I just couldn’t live there anymore—we had this peach tree… Turbo (R.I.P.) loved that tree. I had to cut it down the year before because he had taken to eating the pits.

We closed on our new property on October 2 that same year. Sight unseen.

The challenges:

The car broke down mid-trip. Dropped 10k on a replacement in the middle of nowhere. A trailer burned up on the return trip and had to be abandoned on the road. The house looked good in pictures but needed immediate work—another 6k, plus a lot of effort spent remodeling (this wasn’t hired out). A variety of other expenses and time spent riding out heavy rain over the winter months… rural living stuff. Oh, and the best derailment of all: a welcome surprise baby on the way. (There goes the budget.)

Still having health and back problems, losing my helper for physical labor just pushed everything back. Before we knew it, it was spring, and we still had no shop.

My wife was able to take her job remote, so that helped—but they fired her a month before the baby was due (another massive dent in the budget, which was barely enough to get through the summer months). And for the kicker? Within a month of my wife getting fired, our 16-year-old pup took ill and had to be put down.

It’s been quite a roller coaster. And I haven’t even gone over the business side of it all. (Perhaps that’s another post.)

A few weeks after we settled here (early December), a small kitten emerged out of the rain. He had followed home one of our cats that we brought as kittens from Utah (unable to rehome before we left). He was starving and instantly took to me and one of the other cats.

I prayed, “Lord, what am I supposed to do with this?” Not realizing (how could I?) what this little cat signified for our new life here. The answer came back plain as day: “Love him.” I sighed and agreed.

The cat quickly took to fighting a stray and got chased up a tree.

I climbed the tree to save him.

The cat got in a fight with a wild thing and had bites taken out of his side.

I took him to the vet and had him patched up, fixed, and vaccinated.

He sleeps in our bed, gets fleas, and brings critters inside at night… But he’s the best cat ever. Totally worth it.

So, am I in business?

I’m still sorting out suppliers, still looking for clients, worrying that sales won’t be enough—that orders will get behind. I still have tools the shop needs, can’t afford to hire the help I need, and have production issues that need to be ironed out and finalized…

F#@k yeah, I’m in business! All that other stuff… That was just the first year. We made a five-year plan.

Refocusing of Talents

After giving me my blessing the Patriarch said something along the lines of what he felt a part of the message meant: that I am indeed supposed to be sharing my experiences and that I have a lot to say that can be of help to multitudes (specifically the youth.)

To that end I am refocusing what I do online and what I write about. 

My writing has always been erratic and without focus– you should see the state of my novel– but now I think I have been given a focus that will be useful. I'm still figuring out exactly what that looks like, but the start of it is just to keep speaking up.

I wrote a letter to the youth a few years back. I've written on spiritual and mental traps I've fallen into. I've written on dispair and mental illness. My latest work I am seaking help to finish is on how to be a man– not a modern man or cliché of the image of a man, but simple truths I've discovered are traits of manhood I aspire to embody– things I've discovered through example of others to be the godly traits of men.

I sent it to some one on a whim– a desparate attempt to have it picked up by some one who might run with it. I know now that I am supposed to finish it. (Still, I really hope that person reads it and reaches out, because I have no idea how to do this.)

Anyway, more to come on this account and substack. I'll never paywall important things for money. I'll always try to be available for replies. I really just want people to know there is hope, God loves you personally, there is a path for you to him. If I can help anyone find their way I will be extremely pleased in that I was of use to the Lord's purpose. 

That's all for now. 

The cost of salvation?

Lot of people out there thinking Jesus requires only lipservice and a changed heart.

Remember that rich guy who didn't give up his riches?

Jesus requires everything. Salvation requires everything.

That means all your efforts, time, resources, thoughts; past, present, future.

Noodle that out. The rich man wasn't "saved" was he. Did he live his life out in wealth and then before he died give all his money away? Did that save him?

Perhaps.

But when Christ called him he denied the Lord. He refused him for the sake of the kingdoms of the world. An entire life then spent in that sin; how many souls might he have influenced had he followed when asked? What is his price of repentance?

Christ requires works. He required it of his Apostles. He required it of almost all he blessed with miracles. He requires it of you.

Peter, "the rock" was charged with building his church.

James & John required to leave their nets and follow him.

The blind man required to wash before his sight restored.

The rich man...

The Israelites passsover

Lot & his family, Samson, David, Moses, Joseph, all had blessing given or taken from them because of actions they chose to take in the name of the Lord or against his name.

Abraham!

Yet, people today say "I am saved" because they confess His name to absolve their sins, yet give nothing of their lives to him in return- or worse, think doing so is of some charity of their heart to the Lord and not required by him.

Yes, Christ died for all; to have the oportunity to embrace the ever lasting. He did not give you grace. It comes with a bargain- a price beyond the reasons He died on the cross. Jesus paid the Father. You must pay the Christ, and what he asks is everything in his name.

The ENTIRE Bible tells this narrative over and over. And there are countless promises recorded in it of God's covenanted gifts to any who will simply do the work.

The idea that Jesus died so therefore "you're good" is a bastardized teaching of the fallen church of the dark ages, when the words of God's prophets were kept secret  by "holy" men who interpreted them for the masses. It is the longest lasting lie perpetrated by the very forces who murdered the Holy Prophets  who walk as Apostles with Christ.

Sorry gang, but works ARE  required. It is a lazy mind that thinks otherwise. The scriptures are full of examples of God requiring works before glory & grace. It isn't a given by the cross.

What is given by the cross is a much deeper doctrine than salvation alone. Yes, it is crucial to it but Christ did not suffer and die for just this. But that is another post.

Rules for Men

Rule Number 1: Cowboy up

There are times in life when things just aren't fair, people don't treat you right, and luck isn't going your way. It's in these times that you can tell how deep the a is being tested and what's beneith his surface appearence.

Rule Number 2: Crying

A man cries tears of joy. He cries tears of profound gratitude or sadness. But he never cries for himself.

A man doesn't whine and lament the wrong doings of others with crocadile tears in his eyes.

Rule Number 3: Pain is a challenge

When faced with any kind of pain, be it sincere enough to bring tears to a man's eyes or of the physical kind, the man sees this not as a setback, but as a step forward. With pain comes the oportunity to grow and overcome challenges of life. A man looks at pain as an enemy, a friend, a leader; a necessary adversary to the boy.

Rule Number 4: A man needs a woman

Every man needs a woman in his life. At times this role will be provided by a mother or sister, and at times a friend; but no woman will ever be as valuable to a man as his wife. And a man without a wife runs the risk of falling back into boyhood.

Rule Number 5: The Protector

A man protects the weak and innocent. 

Rule Number 6: No splitting hairs

A simple statement given by a man should be conscise enough to be clearly understood by his peers. Men do not mince words. They do not hide their intent in obscurety or vague statements. No, when a man speaks, his words are to be well thought out and complete. If it is not correct a man should not say it; nor should he repeat poorly constructed statements of partial truths without filling in the whole to correctness.

Rule Number 7: Gossip & Chatterboxes

A man does not suffer fools to fill the air with chatter unbecoming of themselves or others. He does not gossip. 

Rule Number 8: A man speaks to what he knows

There are a great many things a man is expected to know, one of which is to not speak on things he knows nothing about. Having an opinion is often overrated when the subject is outside a man's particular studies. Expressing an uninformed opinion for any reason but to ask it as a question to one who has an expertise in the matter is the action of a child.

Rule Number 9: A man asks questions

It is often said that there's no such thing as a stupid question. This is not true. But a man who never asks the stupid questions will have his opinions formed by stupid assumptions. So ask them. Learn.

Rule Number 10: There are no stupid questions

Yes, I know, you're thinking rule 10 is in conflict with rule 9 aren't you? Well you'd be wrong.

When in leadership there are no stupid questions from those you are expected to lead. A man in leadership should be approachable (through propper channels) to be asked almost anything, by anyone.

If you want those you are leading to be stupid tell them to keep their stupid questions to themselves.

If you want those you lead to be wise and well informed, and proficient in what they do, gake time to flesh out every stupid question (on the propper subjects) they have.

Rule Number 11: A man must recognize the caveats

Things are spoken in a context. A man is required to discern the context of a given statement and apply that knowledge to his thinking and response. Not doing so is dishonest.

The context matters. And from a propper context, a man can infere correctly any caveats in a given statement that are required for adepth understanding and rebuttle.

Rule Number 12: Kindness

Generally speaking, a man is kind. He is kind to his enemies. He is kind to his family. He is kind to animals. He is kind to himself.

A man must be kind to maintain honesty and perspective.

Rule Number 13: Hell & Righteous fire

Hell on earth is an angry man. While a man can be angry for good reason it is always best to have righteous indignation over anger. A man's wrath should be that of heaven, not of hell.

To know and master the difference makes a wise man.

Rule Number 14: The Cross

A man is ready to be a martyr. A weak man is unsure enough in his convictions that he will not die for his cause. A strong man will not even think of his life when it comes to his convictions, and he will die before he wavers.

Rule Number 15: Choose you battles

A man may not know what he will lay his life on the line for until it arises, if he has never considered losing it. Cowards are chosen, often because they never choose, while the brave and wise will position themselves according to their values. Both will fight in the end, but only fools & cowards will wonder what for.

Rule Number 16: To fight

A man will fight for something. Boys just fight. If there is no objective to be achieved there is no chance of winning.

Rule Number 17: Win or Lose

Men compete. It is a healthy and nessicary activity. It is also inherent. Men will compete, if not with eachother then with themselves, with their spouse, their children, their friends, strangers etc. Having a healthy and open competition is a vital requirement for being a man.

With competition comes stakes. If there are no stakes the competition simply becomes boyish fighting. Fighting is for children.

Rule Number 18: Grace

When a man wins he is graceful. He is thankful for the challenge he has overcome and benevolent to the loser. Whether it is an enemy in war or a friendly sport, a man is required to be graceful in victory. 

In war he is expected to tend the wound of the fallen, honor the dead, and treat his captives with dignity and love.

In sport, a man who wins should accept the congratulations of an oponent just as gracefully and with as much humility as if he were congratulating his victor.

In losing a man should be humble and contrite.

In war he should offer grace to his enemy, even as a captive. He should be grateful when his wounds are bound and offer himself where he is useful to the mending of the injured in battle. And while a man is under no obligation to be of use in the enemy's war efforts, a man should carry himself with pride in his labors and honor himself and his countrymen in all that is asked of him, but never betray his convictions.

In sport an man is humbled by a loss and grateful to the victor. He should congratulate the winners with grace and love.

And in all scenarios, win or lose, a man is expected to learn from his mistakes and from the performances of his oponents, to better himself.

Rule Number 19: Love

A man must love. He must learn the actions of it as well as the inner emotions and exhibit them where apropriate. He need not be a bundle of joy or overtly lovable in any way, but to those he is required to care for he must be available to give and recieve love.

Rule Number 20: Keep going

A man knows times will be tough. He keeps going, because for every tough time there's an equally easy one. For every ugly, depressing day there's a beautiful, bright and sunny one, full of joy. A man keeps on going tbrough those darker times because he knows it's gonna be worth it later. He knows pain brings growth if he can just get past it.

Which brings us to...

Rule Number 21: No man is an island

It doesn't matter who you are: a man needs somebody. He can't go it alone for all the rules I've listed above. And just as a man needs all these things, is expected to be all these things, he also needs and expects them from others. There's nothing a man should require of others that he's not willing to give of himself. When a man's alone he has nothing to require of others, and thus nothing to require of himself.

Rule Number 22: Faith

A man without God is lost. He is callus and cold. Having faith seperates the men from the boys. Boys will always have their mothers to answer to. Men will answer to God. That might be a subtle distictions, but a good man will fear the wrath of both his mother and God, because he recognizes that he's a child of both. Boys might fear their mothers, but to them God is just a fairy tale.

Rule Number 23: Work

A man works. It's unavoidable really. A man is either working by his own design or by that of some one else. Boys toil. Men work. The difference is the reward and objective.

Having a job is no fun. But being a man is. Sometimes you have to do a joyless task in order to afford the things that make you a man.

A man at work does his best. He doesn't cut corners or shirk. He doesn't judge his performance by the performance of others, but by his own capabilities. Neither does he cut his performance based of a lack if showing by his peers. He does his best work, or he toils in boyhood.

Rule Number 24: Reward

A man who works for nothing is either a fool or a very charitable man with few needs. On the popular ocasion of a man working who is neither a fool nor motivated by charity, he is working for reward. 

A man must know his worth; and his worth can be assessed by evaluating his adhearence to the Rules for Men. If the work isn't worth a man's time he knows it and does not waste himself on it. A man does not toil where he is neither needed nor properly compensated. Such employment is for boys.

Rule Number 25: The inflated man

Often times we meet an inflated man; one whose worth doesn't measure up to his status or position in life. He might be your boss, a leader, a teacher, and most often, a politician.

While it's annoying (and disheartening) to see these inflated men out in the world, the real men pay them little mind. Because the inflated man, most times, is no real obstacle to a man. He's just a pain in the ass, and we've already covered what pain means to a man.

If a man find himself faced with such an obstacle as an inflated man hindering the way, he need only remind himself of rules 3, 15 & 20... and 22... hell, probably best to keep them all in mind; but mostly remember they are only a temporary pain in your ass so choose you battles wisely and keep on keeping on.

Rule Number 26: It all washes out

If you've made it this far in life you can probably look back and see the times you thought were huge mountainous challenges have passed by like a babbling brook instead of the tsunami you might have fear at the time. And maybe there were some great floods too. But you're here now with all that behind you.

Remind yourself once in a while what hou've already overcome, and how big those challenges seemed before. You'll need those reminders when you look forward and see tge daunting road ahead of you.

A man knows that the road is always hard ahead, but it is always worth the journey.

Rule Number 27: Help other on the path

Because the road is always hard ahead a man knows he must help others on the way. For one day ahead of him may be an obstacle he will need help getting past. Perhaps one you lift up today will be there to lift you up. We are all on the same path. 

Rule Number 28: The path

A man knows his path. It is the only path. 

Rule Number 29: Straying from the path

When a man strays from the path he must correct himself. Since we are all on the same path, if a man strays there is no one to help him find his way back. He must correct his course alone. If he doesn't, if he finds himself listening to others who have strayed from the path, he will toil and flounder with them. Only he can correct himself. Once back on the path he can expect a helping hand from other men still striving forward. He must accept it.

Rule Number 30: Accepting charity

When a man is down on his luck is no time for pride to kick in and make a bad situation worse for him. Everbody needs help once in a while, and not because they've failed or are bad at being men. The truth is that the road is always harder ahead. So if a man is down amd out there are a lot of reasons he may need a little charity coming his way. When a man needs help he accepts it. No "ands, ifs or butts" about it. And he doesn't try to repay it either. He pays it forward when he can.

Rule Number 31: Go your own pace

Since we're all on the same path, heading the same way, there's no need to race. The path isn't to a destination, so there's no point in competing. If some one's ahead of you, that's good for them. It makes no difference to your journey one way or another. Going your own pace may help you from falling down once in a while. It can be the reason you're available to help others along the way, and not needing charity yourself. There's no glory in being ahead of anyone else and no shame in being behind. You're only competing with yourself, so go at your own pace.

Rule Number 32: Give 100%

There is nothing below 100%. Commit or don't bother. It's that old saying "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right." And it's true. You wouldn't accept a contractor building 90% of a house and calling it done. Don't accept anything less than giving 100% from yourself.

Rule Number 33: Nobody is perfect but God

Even though a man gives 100% doesn't mean he gets 100%. That's how he learns his limits and stretches himself for the next effort.

Rule Number 34: There will always be a next time

If it doesn't work out this time, don't get down. There will be a next time. Likewise, when it all goes well, it's no time to be laxed; there will be a next time.

Rule Number 35: The Enemy Never Rests

A man is diligent. He is trained. He is ready. Because the enemy never rests. There will always be another fight, challenge, another foe. Stay focused and tuned for good.

Rule Number 36: The enemy is no dummy

The only dummy is the guy who takes victory for granted. The enemies of a man are organized, trained, devious, intelligent, adaptable, and smart.

who is hillbilly flyer?

Where did the name hillbilly flyer come from? (you didn't ask, but I'm gonna tell you)

I was raised in a one room shack with an out house out back, with my 5 brothers & sister, along with my parents.

That was life until I was 9. I am a literal hillbilly.

From 9 to 19 I lived everywhere from California to Arkansas, over 21 moves in those ten years. Most places didn't last more than a month or two.

At 17 my parents settled im Arkansas with me and my younger brother. We lived in tents & a small camper til we built another small shack, and eventually a small home.

My father and I placed every cinder block, salvaged every 2x4, hammered every nail.

Arkansas was my first "home" at 17.

At 19 my parents divorced.

I found myself living in a rented room with my two older brothers in Utah.

I had no education. My parents gave up on trying to keep me in school after the 3rd grade. I barely had a pair of shoes to my name.

Around this time I began having a recurring dream that would keep my nights full for the next ten years- the hardest years of my life.

In the dream I would always will myself into flight. It was hard. It took all my concentration. I often wavered and fell, but I always flew in my dreams. I felt powerful and free.

Over the next ten years I struggled with education (trying to go to college,) trying to find steady work that had a future, figuring our how social structures work (how to have, make & be friends,) how to date, how to open a bank account, how to drive in traffick, and how to find sanity with mental illness triggered by stress.

In these years I struggled with addiction to porn, I lost my faith, I was haunted by demons and kept company with evil spirits, I struggled to see reality from paranoia, I lost my opportunity to serve my country, I failed college, I got into debt, I became homeless, and I tried to kill myself.

Through all of this I still had the dream. I wrote music. And I had one friend who genuinely loved me, Nyrie. She saved my life.

Hillbilly Flyer was the name I performed open mics under. It was born out if that dream that gave me hope through all those hard times. It gave me a taste of what was possible and planted a seed that never died.

Even though my music never turned into anything, hillbilly flyer still lives on. I've abandoned the capital letters because I realized that ego was the source of all my suffering. At 19 I didn't know how to ask for help. I was too busy being scared to be humble.

At 32 I met the love of my life. My Arkansas princess who I met by chance at 15. Even though I only lived there for a month or two, she remembered me & I remembered her. We've now been together for 13 years and married in 2018.

I am learning to fly. It's still hard at times but I'm making good progress. At 19 I would have never thought I'd be where I am today.

I am hillbillyflyer. Ever changing, ever growing. Going up.

On Rumble

 Rumble... 

I have hopes, but they are repeating the same exclusivity pattern with features that Twitter did, giving higher tier access to select accounts behind a secret wall.

Streaming on Rumble is kind of a pain in the ass compared to the ease of youtube or twitch.

It's is forgivable for a small platform starting out, but Rumble is past that. How much did they pay certain personalities to move over there? Yeah, they aren't a little mom and pop app. They want to be with the big boys but have you believe they are just grassroots little guys.

There's a dishonesty in the way Rumble presents itself and runs their site.

You never got that with Parler for example, and we all know what happened there. Rumble isn't going against the main tenant of big tech. If they did they would be at war.

"free speech" is the brand. Rumble is the proving ground as to the financial viability of so called free speech. The truth is that they don't actually care what you say, and never did. They care who says it.

You see some of this same dishonesty in Truth social. It was too close to Parler, people sniffed it out. Parler didn't move to Truth. They came to twitter, now X, and that remains the distinct difference between the so called free speech platforms.

If I were to rank them it would go X 1st, Rumble 2nd, and Truth 3rd, in equal free speech for users. Yet even X has stated that free speech does not equal freed reach; which is that main tenant of big tech: control not what is said, but who gets seen when saying it & when.

Rumble has a looser vision of reach than X or Truth does, but it isn't unfettered. Access to advanced features of the site are limited by status, just as twitter has been. But when Musk & X are opening up their access and transparency Rumble is not.

On X you can now basically see a set of features and their price points. On X, if you want more access to the site and it's features you simple pay for the service. That doesn't exist (yet?) on Rumble.

Although Rumble recently opened up their streaming features to all accounts, it really is just not enough in the long run. The site is a jumbled mess. Features are missing. Features are hidden to smaller accounts without any info on how to achieve them (even twitch has that.) Hopefully this will change.

Hopefully I will see more as my channel there grows. But into what? To what end? Well I guess that's all on me because Rumble doesn't seem to have a long term path for their users. Their vision seems fairly narrow and short sighted. And that's a huge misstep considering they attract (and intend to) the kind of creators that are looking to a longer future.

Woke movie reviews (not what you think)

Blue Beatle is genuinely bad. Maybe the worst written movie I've ever seen.

I don't care about "woke." It's not about that. (Mind you, this is coming from some one who stands my the statement that "Barbie is one of the best, and most important films ever made in my lifetime" and should win best picture. I am  not interested in the politics of woke movies.) Blue Beatle is just bad writing.

The era of visual story telling could be great. Blue Beatle could be great. What messes all these films up is the exposition, every time. It's like they 'draw' the story board first, budget the project based on those visuals, and then plug in writers (because they have to fulfill contracts.) I don't know anything about the industry, but I'd bet money that's exactly what happens with these films, so it's no wonder the writers don't give a $#!t about the product.

It doesn't take a genius to know that when your 'talent' (or employees) don't care about their work, the work suffers.

Barbie is good (even if it is woke) because the people who made that movie cared about what they were producing.

Blue Beatle is bad because those involved clearly don't care. It is just fulfilling a contract- checking boxes and moving on. They didn't care if it was a success, good, or even made money. The boxes got checked & the unions got paid. The product is of little interest.

Visual story telling can work. But when actors get paid by the line, when writers are built into the project, when directors & producers are all on retainer, there's little room for anyone who cares what gets produced. Scenes are overwritten, rushed, incomplete, chopped together... the only people who might have cared about this movie were the editors, and I've got to figure that after a few hours of trying to turn $#!t into gold even they check out and check boxes.

The movie would improve greatly if 90% of the dialogue was cut.

Why I'm pissed. a rant.

I grew up in a world, & country, where things generally worked as advertised. We were told we can be anything, do anything, become anything if we apply ourselves and work hard for it. Maybe... maybe that's still true as it was, for some, but for an increasing majority it becomes less true every day.

Why I'm pissed all the time:

Although the "you can be president" line was never actually true, we understood it to be an ideal that we all strive for. Maybe you couldn't be president, but you could work hard and get close, and maybe- just maybe... It wasn't determined by how much of a sell out you were or how much of your soul you were willing to taint, or even by how much filth, lies, scum & debauchery you were willing to accept of put up with. It was determined by how hard you worked toward it and how dedicated you were willing to be, and none of that required abandoning your principals or beliefs because there was always another door, another opportunity, another group or company that would appreciate those values and your hard work & work ethic.

But no more.

For most of my life I wasn't able to "apply" myself toward any future. I wasn't able to do that until my 20s at the earliest, but by then one's life is often riddled with so much baggage that becoming anything other than what was already primed is usually impossible. And I was primed to be an absolute wreck of a human.

It's an unusual circumstance than, generally speaking, I've found that the only people who begin to understand are those who have escaped a cult or grew up in a 3rd world, impoverished, socially broken country.

I never went to school before college age, apart from a year or two (collectively) scattered across k-4th grade. You can't imagine the trauma of becoming an "adult" and having to figure this life out with no concept of how society actually works; combine that with an extremely introvert personality who is (non-diagnosed) on the spectrum, is dyslexic, and is suffering from several mental health crises like ptsd & schizoid episodes that devolved into delusional, psychotic, & dangerous choices.

Put me in an algorithm and more likely than not I end up dead or in prison.

I was suicidal for the better part of ten years. College & applying myself were low priorities, and really impossible for me.

Yet, I fucking applied myself anyway, and broke free of my programming.

If I were anywhere near the same 20 year old today I probably wouldn't make it. It's so hard to see hope in the world anymore. It's hard to see a future that one can build for themselves that isn't locked behind some social or economic barrier they will never reach. It seems to day that all the pieces in the monopoly game have been take  and the best you can hope for is to watch those lucky enough to get a piece play in futility because the banker is cheating, and everybody knows they cheat but it's their game and everyone wants to play. So it's sitting on the side lines watching the others have "fun" or nothing.

And yes, I know the monopoly game reference dates me. Kids don't play board games anymore.

But this isn't a game. It's life, my life, your life, our children's future, our country.

At some point I made it out of becoming what I was primed to be. I found peace of mind, comfort & hope of a future me that is successful and free of all the bullshit. Luckily I found all that before the world turned into whatever hellscape it is now.

It bothers me deeply that opportunities I was at liberty to squander have been completely removed from the thoughts of younger people. The ideal "we" all subscribe to isn't that 'you can do or become anything if you apply yourself' anymore, but instead has become some twisted vision where we just are or not, nothing to try for, nothing to look forward to, no changing of stripes; If you are broken that's okay, go join the broken ones.

You don't have to be broken. You shouldn't accept this world as it is. It can be better, but you have to make it so. You have to try. You have to apply yourself. You have to break down those hidden barriers and demand more of those you patronize. But in order to do anything, and have power over your future, you must know where power comes from in each given dynamic or system. You have to know the power of economy and your worth as a worker & consumer; but to learn that you have to work hard, apply yourself to what you do, be it for yourself or other, and do everything you can to produce the best product or service you are capable of, and then push yourself to become better at it. This is the only way to learn the power of self worth, the dollar, and the consumer. 

These three are what has been lost from this new world. The lack of self worth, the lack of knowledge of the value of the dollar, the lack of respect of the consumer and knowledge of their worth combined has created a world of static classes with no hope of becoming more than the cast one has been given. (And I say given, not born into for a reason. In this world you are no what you are born, but are what you will be ordained by this world to be. Be it a celebrity or a scrub, it is no longer up to you in any way. It is decided by those with power over you.)

This is why I am so often pissed. Not for my sake most of the time. As I said, I've found comfort and peace. It is for the sake of those born in this world I am pissed. They will grow up not knowing how unnaturally contrived what they will see as normal society is. Certain concepts that have been the trademarks of this passing golden age of humanity will be lost and foreign to them. Concepts like work ethic, costumer service, pride in one's work, ideals, innovation, breaking the mold, etc., are all but lost already to those who remember living with them. 

What hope do the young have when we who remember choose to forget or abandon, to stop fighting for the things that created the greatest age of prosperity in remembered human history? We are priming them for a dark age. That's why I'm pissed. And you should be too.

The 2024 U.S. Presidential Election: A True One Issue Race

The magic of a good salesman is to be able to offer you something so fantastic that it revolutionizes the way you think and present it in such a way of confidence, with credentials, that you will then ask the salesman to confirm the very fantastic thing he just told you.

That was Trumps magic in 2016. "I know the system is corrupt because I use it" was just one of his many revolutionary platform statements. When the salesman makes a statement like that honestly he can sell you anything. Trump did and sold half the country on it.

Fast forward to 2020. Trump was unable to sell anyone anything. It was now the Democrats and Statists that had the fantastic line: he's corrupt! And who did everyone look to for verification? The very source of the fantastic.

Trump was unable to overcome this regardless of how the votes turned out. Too many people were unable to care about 81 million votes for a few reasons:

For starters, Trump was corrupt, he admitted to being so in 2016. That was the double-edged sword of his magic. Nobody forgot it, especially swing voters from the Democratic party.

Second was the Biden (or the Statists') line about "the adults" running things again. People were relieved when they saw windows being covered, magic boxes of Biden votes showing up at 3 am, and pipes bursting- shutting down entire voting populations that would vote for Trump. People were relieved that "they" wouldn't let the con-man back in office to sell them again: because the real betrayal of Trump (to them) is that, as the 'outside' man who saw how corrupt it all was, he never delivered on cleaning out the swamp. Fool me once... and I'll abstain or vote 3rd party, or in the case of the Democratic swing voter who was still in dire straits since 2016 watching their cities burn, voting against Trump was a small consolation they could afford themselves, because they had zero to lose.

So Biden wins 2020 (one way or another, it doesn't matter because in the end it was the magic that made the difference anyway, not the votes.) So how does Trump overcome this in 2024? I don't think he can. I don't think he or his team knows what happened in 2020. Thus, if Trump becomes the Republican nominee he will be set up for disaster. He has already proven that he can't be trusted to "clean up the swamp" so what other platform does he have? "I was robbed" is going to fall on deaf ears of a nation that watched its cities burn, has given in to climate extremism, has record homelessness and drug addiction, and can barely afford to care at all. What is Trump selling us this time?

The only answer Trump can afford is China. If that becomes his platform (and I believe it will) he has a chance again. But will it be enough?

On the other side 2024 the Democrats have the same issue. They have been thoroughly burned on being the "adults in the room" and their great equalizer, Biden, has been proven to be everything they said Trump was on the corruption front in 2016 (and worse for them, with connection to China.) Selling Ukraine isn't going so well since so many Americans are just tired of nation building policies, not to mention the obvious fraud involved there. And stability of any kind, social policies, etc., will get them laughed at in the ballot boxes in every city in America.

So the Democrats have wokism (which is just a brand of the WEF, and a thin veil of Communism...) but name me a Democrat that isn't a communist or Socialist. You can't, because there isn't one. But do the Democrats have the base in numbers large enough to remove the veil and run on Communism? (I hope they think so, because either way, 2024 will be a one issue race: China, or Communism.) It would be nice to simply have these things out in the open for one election in my lifetime.

"Vote Communist" vs "Vote Freedom" seems easy enough. It won't be for many, but it will seem to be for most. Until the votes come in.

In the end it doesn't matter who the nominees are. It only matters if they know what the 2024 election is about. Trump has a weakness of making everything about himself. If he does, if '24 becomes about vindication of retribution for 2020, he is DOA to many voters.

The Democrats, whoever they put forth, will simply be the flavor of the week. The candidate will stand for nothing, speak of nothing, promise everything, and will undoubtedly be against, or for everything depending on the wind; but will ultimately be Communist to their core. They will be anything and everything needed to achieve the power. In any case they will be a magic salesman, of that you can be certain.

Judgment

If I am at all good it is because my father preceded me, and if I am in any way bad it is because I've ignored the lessons layed out be him.

At the judgment I will be his advocate for all the lessons I have learned by his example, all the hazards I've been able to avoid, and for all the pain he suffered before me that helped me avoid the same.

My father is no saint, but he has suffered as one for my sake. He's also no example of good living or moral fortitude. He is in fact a man with demons & desires that rule him, just as many are. Had he had no children there would be no virtue in his sin; no lessons learned by his example, no paths blazed through turmoil, followed or avoided. He would have no advocate of this life.

When a man dies he leaves behind his memory and deeds. He is purified by time and distilled into one legacy. That memory falls mostly on his children to maintain or abandon; his foolishness, his savagery, his kindness;failures; successes; whims & fits all are at the mercy of those he leaves behind.

With what emotion should we remember the dead? (And don't say honest- for that is an impossibility when remembering.) Should we be kind & forgiving, even not understanding? Should we be cold and practical, tallying them up like a scoreboard? Should we forgive & forget, moving on and not remembering at all? Do we have a duty to those who've gone before us? If so what when remembering, and what will be our testimony of them on our judgement day?

I don't have children. For that I may be judged. But whatever judgment made against me for having not, I imagine it is little compared to the lack of witnesses I will leave behind when I die. There will be no souls saved by my example; no lessons learned by the next generation. 

Memory of my life will not live on much beyond my final breath; and I will stand before my maker then, and He will ask, what witnesses have you of your works? I will say none. When all my enemies will line up to testify, there will be none to rebut.

Video Games

I used to love playing MMO games. But they all look and feel so old now... like they have been copy & pasting games from 2005 without much overhaul.

The newest and best looking one out there today is New World, but it's so deeply flawed and feels incomplete; beyond the visuals there's not much there.

I've wanted to go back and play some oldies that I never could, like Everquest or whatever, but there's no wonder left in those games, and they're just so clunky.

There are still some slick looking games out there, and there are a few smooth ones that are just solid games like Fortnite and Apex Legends, but then you end up playing the SBMM/"not" SBMM nightmare of a looter-shooter-battle royal. And while those are great for disposable time, they leave you empty, often agitated, and looking for something else.

I miss Star Wars Galaxies. If you missed out on the original release of that game, you have no idea what gaming today should feel like. It was literally everything all in one game: massive multiplayer, open world, pvp, building homes & ships, skill development was insanely tuned and super satisfying; it had career paths that required real time sacrifice of other in game skillz that were rewarding because others chose differently. Becoming a Jedi was rare and not the end goal of everyone because the game was balanced... Running into a guy (another player) of a different faction way out in the mountains and hearing that lightsaber fire up gave you a real life "oh shit!" moment that has never been recreated in games.

And then they gave up on it... idk I guess subs were low and money wasn't working out. Servers started being wiped, the UI was dumbed down, the  skill tree was erased and predetermined, character creation was greatly reduced, and everything was turned into that same clunky feeling that everything since has been.

The wonder was lost. Everybody had a lightsaber; no one had a house; pvp was effectively removed; planets got small and basically closed maps; it all just went to shit and then, just as quickly as it became everything in games, it became nothing, just a box with 6 compact disks full of what was forever gone.

Rumor was it still exists on private servers somewhere with an underground community. I hope that's true. I hope somewhere in the world, some one, and a group of friends, is enjoying it still to this day.

I also hope the industry pull their heads out of eachothers asses and makes something fun again, something that fills the player with wonder and joy, as well as that once in a while "Oh shit!" moment. I'd pay money for that. I'd subscribe to that. And I don't think I'm alone.

SWG was way ahead of its time back then. There was no streaming; there was barely youtube; the online gamer community wasn't so common as it is now, there wasn't the access or exposure that there is today for such a game; Content Creator wasn't even a possibility back then; but if ever there was one game designed for today's gaming community and todays content creator driven industry, it was Star Wars Galaxies.

I hope some one out there is building something as fit for today as SWG with updated artistry, graphics, mechanics, skill development, etc., etc. It's a billion-dollar idea, and the time is ripe.

Evil in your life

Anyone who remembers the days of torrents (when we all stole music and video by the gig download) undoubtably downloaded video files they did not intend, which showed many the absolute worst of humanity.

Everything you think could never happen, or "who would..." has not only happened, but has been recorded and sold online, and even injected onto unsuspecting computer systems around the globe, or in your home.

It is the nature of evil to attract and force more upon those who partake. Stealing a movie, music, or porn are (and always have been) massive portals for evil to consume your life.

And if it's not obvious enough, yes, I did all these things in my youth. That's how I know what is out there. And it's important to note that I'm not simply talking about awful & abusive sexual content that is illegal in most of the world, but videos of murders, rape, dismemberment, grotesque animal abuse, ritualistic acts across those spectrums, and yes, involving children.

I've seen what is out there and it is every bit as evil and more than any story you've ever heard.

This is why when Facebook & Instagram began showing hints of this evil I left those platforms. It is why I only have Twitter. This may be one of the only platforms online that expressly avoids falling into the evil that dominates the dark web and is now bleeding into all cultures.

People don't seem to get just how dangerous the very existence of this evil subculture of humanity actually is to them and everything they love. I touched this culture only briefly nearly 2 decades ago and it nearly cost me my soul, my life, and my family. Everything. It did cost me years of my life and so much of my spirit that I've spent over a decade rebuilding my faith.

I won't give more details because this world will use it against me. But for those out there still thinking that evil is being kept at bay... it isn't. It is already in your home. It has already reached your children. It has already weakened your spirit and threatened the souls and lives of your family.

I was called years ago to lead. I failed. I gave myself over to the evil we fight today on all fronts. God released me and touched my soul, giving me a second chance to not be lost. I am thankful for His mercy and regret every day since I failed you by not rising to the call.

Perhaps in the future He will have use for me again. I hope I will be ready to answer Him then. But for now, as the world turns deeper toward evil things, I can not be silent about what I know we face and how destructive it will be if you don't force it out of your families, your homes, and your souls. 

We must pray more (something I struggle with.)

We must be more charitable.

We must be more pure & honest.

We must call evil what it is and not mince words.

We must not tolerate evil in our lives.

And we must teach the children about Christ, about salvation, and the virtues of all that is good; and we must protect them from evil 24/7 until we no longer have breath in our lungs, because evil will never come up for air; it never sleeps, it never stops, and it is always watching.

If your kids spend an hour a day online, I guarantee they have seen or heard things that have spotted their souls and stained their faith. Talk to them every day about everything in their lives.

This kind of attention would have kept me safe as a young man; it would have fortified me. But instead, I was given an internet capable PC and an afternoon alone with it.

Unless you are aware of how evil travels and influences people through material and actions, there is no defense against it. It will just suddenly be a part of your life, like a parasite that convinces you through its common being that it is part of who you are and what you are expected to be.

It isn't. Cut it off & out of everything.

Life is hard.

Life is not supposed to be easy. Any attempt to make it so is an illusion- a lie. Life is a fight til the death. Nature wants to kill you. Your animals would eat you if they could, your "pets." Most people will not help you & don't care at all when you fail or die. 

The whole point of it all is to overcome as much of it as you can and build relationships that will outlast your death.

Stop listening to people telling you how "it shouldn't be this way" or that it shouldn't be hard. It is fucking hard. It's designed to be hard. It's designed to make us need & rely on eachother for survival as a people, as cultures & as a species, as families.

Figure that out & then we can talk about existentials like God, climate, being stewards over nature, drugs & cultural differences. But if we fool ourselves into thinking life should be easy, none of that matters. Those are big questions, hard questions.

Without understanding the fundamental structure & design of life we will never have the tools or mindset to address the hard questions.

An easy life can only see the easy answers. Get out there and be challenged. Do the hard thing, make the hard choices. Never be comfortable.

Brownie

I had a cat I found in my grandmother's bushes. He was one of four to a stray that she had befriended. We captured her when the kittens had yet to open their eyes and put them in a closet.

It was a large litter of 8 or 9 and her second batch; the first yielding only 1 pitch black male the year before. They would wonder out into the grass and die. So we tried to save them.

It worked. The five survived. Momma took to the closet in an open garage where babies stayed warm and corralled. Momma became grandma's pet and the rest were adopted around the neighborhood. 1 I took and named Brownie because of his little brown nose and face.

Brownies brother from the other litter stayed close by during the day. I tried many times to get him to come to me but he would always run just when I got close enough to touch him.

One day I decided I was going to catch that black cat. He would walk around meowing as if daring anyone. I'd sit in the grass and he'd come up to me and lay down just out of reach. Every time I'd move towards him he would distance himself and lay back down.

I finally just chased him. 😃 At first he out ran me, but then slowed down. We did that dance a few times until I ran right up on him like I was going to trample him. To my surprise and amusement, he then flopped on his back and started purring loudly as I reached out and touched him for the first time.

I pet him for a moment, then he ran off for the day.

From then on every time I saw him in the neighborhood I would run up on him and he would flop over for me. Otherwise he was utterly feral.

Brownie carried on this tradition even though he was very tame (to me.) The first year of his life he knew no one but me. We lived out of an '02 Buick Century parked around the corner of Walmart & occasionally in front of my grandmother's house.

To anyone else Brownie was a wild thing.

When we moved into a house he became feral. He roamed the street meowing at all hours. I'd call him in and some times he would come and flop before my feet.

Eventually he brought home friends. One had a litter of kittens near the same spot as the litter today, in an old shed. Most of those ran off or died. Some where adopted. But one decided the outdoors was not for her, as I found her sleeping in a potted planter inside one day (just as Brownie did as a kitten with his siblings.)

We named her Eliza.

Since then there have been several litters by strays born in or near that same spot. Some disappeared when discovered & some didn't survive the winters. Others grew and moved on or were likely killed by neighbor dogs or humans (we had a bit of a cat problem for a while.)

Each litter bares Brownies same striping, which isn't uncommon; but nearly every litter that survives spawns one who will roam the neighborhood meowing at all hours.

Brownie hasn't been seen in a few years, but every once in a while I still hear him crying as he walks past my front window. Most times I look and see nothing. But some times I catch a glimpse of a striped cat, a bit on the small side, with what I presume is a brown little nose just waiting to be booped.

I don't know what generation this is, but judging from the mother's size and temperament, and the curiosity I see in these little faces, I'd say Brownie's legacy of lives on in them. These five look very familiar.

The offspring of Eliza:

The Brownie Flop:

Eliza & her new best friend:

The Legend himself, Brownie:

Wonder, Dimensions & Agency (or Free Will) in a Simulation

Thinking "extra" dimensions means parallel universes that exist outside our physical existence yet bound by the same physics in their own universe may be the greatest blunder of science fiction.

Parallel universes don't exist.

"Extra" dimensions do. It's about perspective.

I'm not a physicist (obviously.) I am a thinker. And as a thinker I can only think within the bounds of my imagination. There is no such thing as original thought, so having ideas presented to me that spark my imagination in new ways is critical-  and for scientists too.

Because science starts with imagination; it starts with a question. But before the question comes sight. You can not question what you can not 'see' in some way. All sight requires imagination. Our conciousness creates realities- or dimemsions (unseen & not physical, but real.)

*Wonder is the source of all intelligence. (*denotes an idea in infancy.)

Wonder is not simply imagining. Wonder isn't always concious. Wonder is a process. Wonder is intellegence in progress.

The opposite of this wonder is certainty; absolute finite rule of process that achieves an organized predicted outcome.

Ironically science has become the opposite of wonder.

Back to dimemsions:

"Parallel universes" aren't "real" but they do exist. It's a paradox. They exist in wonder. They exist in thought. They exist in dreams.

They exist to give us agency in a physical existence where there is none. A paradox: agency in a "simulation."

We live in a Choose Your Own Adventure book. All of the paths have been written but we get to choose one. Dimensions beyond our percieved universe allow this agency (or free will) even when all other options are off the table and our path is pre-determined.

We can still access all the other possible choices of our actions through wonder, and doing so we access other dimemsions & "universes" beyond the bounds of physics. Because wonder isn't bound by certainty.

This is the design.

Courage to fail

Being 42 years old and having not successfully built anything for myself messes with my head. I have to remind myself daily that this isn't a race, I'm not defined by what I don't have, and you can't take this life with you when you die anyway.

I have plenty of excuses. A late in life diagnosis of asbergers, I was taken out of school at the 4th grade, I am an extreme introvert & all else you can infer from those conditions; add in a disfunctional family environment too.

I used to excuse myself as being ten years behind in general. At 30 I'd see 20 yr olds so far ahead... at 40 I see 30 yr olds now where I thought I would be today. But that's the trap- and it doesn't matter the age.

I have my own personal weaknesses. They have theirs. In the end we all die and leave it all behind.

I used to be mentally unstable. I spent my 20s sorting that out. To the world I was wasting a decade of my prime. In reality I was securing myself a future. My 30s I spent thinking and just trying to be a good human. Again, to the world, I was wasting my time; lazy and unmotivated.

I met my wife in those years. Amazingly she sticks with me. So maybe I was building something. Maybe when we are focused on ourselves the last thing we build is ourselves.

At the end of my 20s I killed myself- the end of a decade of sorting myself out ended in a suicide. Maybe there's a lesson in that.

At 32 I have myself over to just being. I spent a lot of time outside, taking care of my mother's yard, trying to be available to others. I gave up completely on building anything of my own. Then I met my wife.

10 years later I have a life I never expected; a wife, a house, 2 little dogs. I didn't buildt it. It was given me. What I did was stop racing with the world and made myself available to it. I would have none of it today if I didn't learn thay one lesson in life and literally kill that version of myself.

I don't recommend suicide but I do understand how people get there. Still today I could compare my life to my generational peers and feel completely useless. But I'd have to discount everything my life is, all the good. That's exactly what I did when I killed myself before. It's a trap that anyone can fall in to.

Life isn't about what we don't have; it isn't even about what we do. Life is about building the kingdom of god. That's not a religious point, it's a point of fact. Whatever you are putting your energy into will be a god over you; your career, your family, your peers, your causes will all rule over you with supernatural powers.

Build the kingdom of God. In otherwords: be good. When you do you make yourself available to the good that will come your way.

I'm not there yet. I still have all those issues in this world; I still have a lot to catch up on. But being available to the future means not getting bogged down by the past or the now, or the what ifs and the have nots of life.

Suicide is a growing problem in the world. Too many people are being told they are defined by their failures and by what they aren't. 

Too many kinds are falling into the trap of thinking they need to race their peers through life goals.

Too many adults are being told they have to catch up, conform or get left behind.

Too many are being told that opting out is the better option, even a virtue to humanity.

But all of them are members of God's kingdom. There is no opting out, there is only what we choose to build. Misery is a choice. Suicide doesn't end misery or sadness. It creates more.

Suicide is a selfish act. It also takes a lot of courage. To anyone thinking about it I would ask that you please don't rob this world of your courage. It is in short supply here and we need yours.

Ironically, it is your courage that is being manipulated by social media and world culture and is the key to standing against the world saying "f- off, I can do it my way."

But when trapped in rat-race thinking courage becomes a burden, and placement seems paramount.

More

I will die. I know. What will I leave behind but unfulfilled desires and spent aspiration? My legacy, so familiar, so common. . . forgotten. Too sad to recall, or too uninspiring. 

I wasn't supposed to be here at all. I gave up, threw in the towel, killed myself years ago- years before anyone would have questioned my forgotten life. I could have been so much. There could have been so much more; more to write; more to see; more to experience; to know; to love; more to lose. 

Death would have secured my legacy of missed opportunities. It would have ensured people remembered me as all the things I could have been.

But now, in life, outliving my design, where is all I could have been? Where is the music, the knowledge, the experience, losses & loves? Where are the aspirations and potential?

Squandered! A legacy lost. In life I am as common as I ever feared I would become. Too common to remember; too common to stand out. The years of life I never intended to have... they could have been so much more to remember. They could have been anything you wanted; I could have been anything you wanted to remember me as. But now, alive, the bar is so high for attention, for legacy, that I'd almost rather be forgotten entirely.

No legacy, no sadness, no loss. No more.

But I am here, God damn me! I am HERE! Alive. Should I die again and be all that which I never wanted to become? Should I give up again and resign myself to being a lost cause and hopeless case? Has potential passed out of me? Is there not always more to see, more to learn, more to love, regardless of who else knows it? Experience isn't for them. Legacy isn't for the record keepers. It's for those who live it and leave it behind. I was never here for you.

I will die. This I know. And I leave behind so much more than any mortal will ever know. Legacy isn't temporal after all. Legacy is eternal. It is not bound by this life or any rememberance in it. I am a triumph- nomatter what is remembered or forgotten. I am that I am! And I am eternal. My legacy is eternal. And etrrnal is so much more. More, infinitely so.

This God damned life- yes it is damned- damned to be mortal, damned to be temporal- is only a part of my story. It is not my legacy. For I will conquer this life. I will triumph over death. I will exist erernal no matter who knows it or remembers my life.

One cannot opt out of eternal. One cannot simply give up their legacy. It simply is. Who then should remember me but me? Who then should I quit on? 

I quit the world. I will not leave it defeated, forgotten. But I will leave it behind me. It will I forget.

Time is the great teacher. Borrowed time has the deepest lessons. But all time in this life is borrowed. But not all see. We are so much more than this life. We are more than everything ever forgotten by mortals, or ever known. Legacy cannot be found here. Neither can it be rememered in life. For it can only be seen from beyond the veil of death.

I will die. I aspire toward it. What will I leave behind- how will I be remembered? Nothing and not at all. I refuse to be remembered. I will wait to be known. I refuse to part myself out to this mortal machine. I will save the whole of me for the eternal, for legacy everlasting. 

I will use this borrowed time to remember who I am designated to be by my creator. God may damn this life. It is his to do so. I will not be damned of myself nor him for thinking it is mine. Mine is granted after death. And after death will I live my legacy. Rather than be remembered I will be known by all who matter; and forgotten by the forgot.

Movies

When did feminism turn gay? Why does nearly every female ensamble in film have to have a lesbian angle?

I watch a lot of movies (opinion) and I enjoy female leads (basically I'd rather lool at pretty things than not,) but finding good movies with female leads is nearly impossible.

Why? This is a new thing in films as they have turned woke. Pre-2015 (ish) this wasn't as big of a problem. Sure, there was always the sexualization of women in film, but making women boring in film isn't the solution to that.

Why not just write a good script and plug in good actors? Are the writers still on strike? Did they all get fired?

Blows my mind that people making films think the answer to equity in film is making bad films. That's the job of student film and independents, not professionals. The standard has dropped so low it seems.

Anyway... go watch a movie. Support the industry. Then REVIEW them. Don't trash them just give honest opinions.

Also, stop watching crap. They don't need your encouragement. Weak & bad film makers and writers need to be ostracized, culled or edified.