Summer of '08

(added dec 01, 2008 - after published)
And so I’ve come to it. She came to me at a time of isolation; a time when I had given up nearly completely. But not completely. That was just weeks before. I had given up, but it was short lived. What would be the point? And so I found myself back in the same state as I have always been. Alone. Without means to execute my goals, without means to do much of anything. Yet, though I was the same as before, I did have one new devotion to give me hope. I was determined to be more… respectable. And that’s when I found her. Again? I thought to myself. I want no one at this point. Just let me work and save so I can go to school and put this all behind me. This is what I wanted. This is what I needed. And yet there she was, boring her way into my essence. I could not escape her. And so with little cunning, and great desire, we introduced each other over a game.
I had a number now. Like something of a prescription, a prescription for the pain I have longed for so long to ease. But like any drug it runs a risk of dependence. I can see why people get lost in something like a drug. I had no addiction yet, but I wanted one. The risk of all the pain of it (love) wasn’t enough to out weigh the possible cure for my affliction. So I called it, that number; that prescription I had so longed to have filled, in hopes the it would fill a void in me. And for a time it did.
Time moves too quickly. Can not a man ever feel safe from its grasp? I beg it. I plead it. ‘Time please let me be. Forget about me and leave me in this moment forever. No one need know that you have missed one so insignificant as me. I could tell no one of it. They would only go on with you into the unknown, as I am left behind. Let it be so. It would only take an instant to satisfy for a lifetime. Or is it possible at all? Could I be unworthy of such a gift? Is it possible that another has been granted what I have asked? Were they better than I am? Or was I simply too late in asking?’

I was bored, at work and I was bored as usual. The pool hall was empty as usual, and there were few regulars to play with. I was burned out on the game for the day anyway. I stood behind the counter looking out the large front windows, waiting for something to come along. And then, like out of a dream, I saw her. She wore a green hooded sweatshirt. Green has always been my favorite color. It was an overcast day which only made the colors more vivid. She had dark hair and glasses. I watched as she rode by on a red bicycle, and said to myself "I want a girl like that- she’s perfect." As she passed by, all I could do was hope she might stop and come in. I say hope, but really I was dreaming. A girl like that had no business where I was to be found. I wished I was someone else; someone who she might encounter. I wished as she continued out of site. She continued across the intersection and disappeared behind the building adjacent to the pool hall. And just like that. . . She was gone. It was only a moment, but it seemed like more. I looked for a bit longer, but she was gone. I settled on the thought, then began to go about myself as I had before. But as I began to do so my breath was taken away from me as I saw her coming back around the corner. Again, my mind was taken from the dismal to the fantastic. Yet, again I watched her pass by, this time in a different direction, but still not in mine. I sighed, and thought to my self, “if I had a girl like that, how happy I would be.” I let her go again from my mind and continued on with my work. After a few moments I was stunned again. But this time she was here, standing in front of me. I couldn’t believe it. I, no doubt, in my disbelieving state stumbled over my words. She was stunning. For, I was stunned. She played alone. I thought to myself as I watched her (trying hard not to be too obvious about it), surely she is waiting for someone. But as the time passed I noticed something. She glanced at me, several times. Could it be possible? It seemed like she was waiting for me. A predicament. I find myself a coward for such things. I found excuses, I have plenty of them. But none were good enough. And just when I was wondering to myself how I might approach her, she approached me. Fate will prove, be it a lucky thing for me or not. I thought it a lucky thing for a while. Now. . .? Now I do not know. But I do know she made me happy for a while. And I needed to be happy. But happiness proved short lived. Soon treachery would tare its way into my life, turning all hope inside out. Despair set in. Should I tell the details? I wonder. Does it matter now what “friends” stabbed me in the back then? Does it matter what lies have been told about me? Does it matter, the opinions of fools and thieves; the opinions of liars and cheaters, rouges and misfits? Does it matter now, that a home was turned against me? That those who should have known, did not? That those who should have trusted believed the lies? Does it matter now, that a reputation of respect and understanding, kindness and truth, was repaid with lies and deceit; malicious behavior without regard, that defies understanding? Does any of that matter now? NO! But it does linger on doesn’t it? I had sought refuge in that place I had run to so many times in the past, only to have it overrun by thoughtlessness and inconsiderate behavior. It seemed all was taken from me. My home, my friends, my love. . .all had turned me out, save it were a few. But I found no comfort in them. The summer was the end of me. I no longer had anything to hold on to. Finally I was free. I just needed a destination. I decided to leave it all behind. I decided to give up on everything. I felt if I was to be lost and alone, that I would be lost to the world and go it alone. I took time. As much time as I could. But the feeling never left me. I was indeed done.

Ozz

I have moved so many times in my life that nothing feels like home. “Friends” come and “friends” go. People all look the same. Nothing special. Time spent with a degree of devotion creates those bonds, of which I have had few. There has been one. And I have felt at home there over the years. It was a place that was there for me when I had nothing. I did feel at home there. I felt I had a place to be for the first time in my life. And no one judged. It was just how it was and nobody questioned it. To this place I owe a great deal that can never be paid. I grew up there. So much growth depends on having a place to simply feel comfortable at the end of the day. It was a place of refuge. And I grew so much there.
I thought I had friends there too. If nothing else, I had a social life- a group to hang out with. But still they were only ever to be taken at face value. I never really got close to any of them. But still, there is a lot to be said for seeing the same group of people most every night for several years. If you are watching you will unavoidably be connected. But mostly for me, it was the simple fact that things are what they are, and nobody there questioned or judged it. I needed that. I was lost for many years. And that place helped me find who I was, due in large part to that attitude. But enough about this place for now. But it is important for one who wants to understand me, to understand how much I loved that place.

Fleeting Plumes of Smoke

In my chest there beats what resembles a heart. But it is not a heart; rather, many fragments of heart. And not one of these fragments matches another, for they are all from different sources. They come from tragedies of life, broken dreams, broken hearts, ect. The newest of these being the largest part of the collective till it dwindles like a dieing ember and shrinks to a comfortable size. The fire has been put out long ago, but these embers still glow; some more than others. Indeed some die out completely, becoming cold and black, while others glow warm for some time. And some never die. Some never shrink. But be ware of those that never shrink, while their glow dims ever darker than the rest. They grow cold and black, and can consume you. Few of these have I in my heart. And then there are those embers that never die… and never shrink in intensity. They only conform with the collective out of necessity. They dim their light only enough as what needs to be, yet they burn as hot as ever before. One can not rest with such a fire inside him. And yet, it can not be spoken of or disclosed to anyone. It remains only to burn the heart evermore. It burns with such passion that other fragments decay, while others are ignited again. A fiery torment begins in the soul. Passions once dormant and comfortably smothered live out wildly in sporadic and brief fleets of flame, only to smolder again uncomfortably now in the chest. The collective aches and burns in confusion because of these fits. Each one with a memory of its own. Wretched memories once lying calm and forgotten in the furthest reaches of the mind, now dredged up again like a body from the ground. With no soul they wander. They are ghosts of the past. And like smoke they must vanish again, floating again to those places we hide our feelings. They leave only a reminder of themselves freshly imprinted on our minds. . . fleeting plumes of smoke. . . eventually…every love… fleeting plumes of smoke. May the pieces of what I call my heart find peace and still the fires, so I can rest.

Full Circle

I need a break. There is one more show I want to try for. But Before I do, I need to rest. So many reasons why. And so I stay home. Almost two weeks pass. What do people do? I was climbing walls. I missed it.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. This has been my life for nearly eight months. I needed it. And so I went back. I was lost without that theater. It was just about the only thing I liked in life. I heard that many of the cast had dropped out of the production. I was in. Just for fun. Something to do. I am glad I did.
This show was the best experience of them all. Everyone was fantastic. Fun. And friends. Everyone was friends. I was tired but happy. . . ish.
It’s true I wasn’t completely happy. But as much as could be expected I think. I had a place in the theater it’s true. But outside those performances I had no place. I had no other purpose. Outside those walls of make-believe, those comfortable imaginary lines drawn to keep out the viewer; I was indeed lost when they came down with the curtain. Yet something kept me distant from them. To a point, I kept to myself. But I did find there a few friends. True friends I believe.
But in my life, happy times are few and very far between. While one show is in performances another is in rehearsals. The one I have been waiting for. The one to prove I have overcome. My initial goals were being realized. My fears were at bay. My mind and body are weak. Was I ready? Not in the least. But nonetheless, the opportunity has come. This will be my last for a long while.
I had come full circle it seems. The very show I started with I was now ending with. Almost a year earlier I thought I could do better. Now we shall see. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know that I did. It’s not for me to say. I will make no effort to out do. I would no longer assume I could. I just need to do it.
My cast is wonderful. They are as strong as before, with their own strengths- and their own weakness’, me being one of them I feel.
My co-star is the sister of the one I have adored for so long, and a friend. It’s easy to pretend. But where one friendship lives another- it seems, must die. Reasons are many. Few. It made sense at the time. But never really. Nothing made complete sense anymore. Why we make the choices we do will remain unspoken. People can’t be expected to be so honest without some sort of security.
My choices now are instinctive and goal oriented. Nothing else matters to me. Nothing else can. I cannot let them. The only things and people who exist to me now are those created on that stage. This cast is off limits. I will make no efforts here. I know only a few of them to start with, and when it is all over we will simply part. Good show, well done, goodbye. No more friends. I can bare no more friendships. At the end of this one I disappear. Either in victory or in defeat, it does not matter.
My faith is in shambles, my mind is scattered in pieces, and my heart is rent in two. I am ill. From the time I was cast to the end of the run I was ill. And not just mentally, but truly physically ill. I grew weaker with every day. No rest between shows. I couldn’t rest. I hated this character. He is a coward. He is naive. Foolish. He has but one redeeming quality. But it’s not enough. And in the end all is victorious, innocence prevails. Love endures, and foolishness is rewarded by edification. All things perfect. A wasted effort of the mind. Yet I was consumed by it all. It’s good natured humor stuck me like a thorn in my side. And it’s pointlessness was like a weight on my shoulders I did not know how to bare. It all made me ill. I resented most all of it. And what is worse, my voice has betrayed me. My illness has taken it’s greatest ransom. My confidence only flies so high as my voice can take it. And this damned illness has me grounded. What is it then? Stress. So petty a thing. My life has been defined by it. Why should it consume me now? Nothing special here. Nothing at all. Nothing.
Damn it then. I’ll go on. I had a system of pills. They helped in the mean time. But really nothing made me so numb as I needed to be. Not a thing could ease the pain. Not but one. Curtain. One way or another, I was going out there. And I was going to sing. I’ll choke down the blood if I have to. But I won’t miss a note. (except that one) My throat was tight. It hurt to even speak. In fact, I did very little speaking at all off stage. My teeth cringed in pain a good share of the time. If I spoke I spoke through them. But that was just me. Fredrick, was un-inhibited. The fool.
I can’t speak to the success of my last effort. It served my purpose. But what of the audience? I can only hope.

There is a darkness in me. It has been there since I was about eleven years old. My faith has kept it at bay. For a time I lost my faith. I forgot who I was. The darkness consumed me then. I let it. I welcomed it. Was I insane? What was reality? I couldn't tell you. I did not know. I knew only to trust my heart. But my heart betrayed me. It lead me to one who would test my faith. One who would make me doubt it. One who would have me believe it was all delusion. I was so lost. I could not balance confusion and love and faith all at once. How could I? My heart said one thing, and my faith said another. I was fooled. The adversary has found a new tool against me. Love. So easily, he deceived me. So easily. I was lost. I lost all faith. I had only what I knew and what I felt. Usually that is enough to keep one on the right side of things. But I needed to trust others. I needed to believe what others told me. To great the risk of losing all, if I get caught up in my own mind again. I needed to trust. And so I did. And so I let that one I had loved so long bleed me. I let my faith run out. And I trusted the lies. My faith is dead. I cannot tell the difference. But I needed it to be so. I needed to be lost so I could make a choice. I have been waiting for the choice to make me, but it will not come. And so I believed a lie. Believing it was of God. For a time, my faith is restored. I pray. I weep. I repent. Almost. But still my heart is divided. I always choose wrong. I have but two options, and I choose the facade. I choose to be fooled.

Fallen

I found an angel it's true. But who was I to see angels? I was undeserving. And I proved it. I wasn't looking for faith. I wasn't looking for God. I was looking the other way. I was looking to be brought down to destruction. I was looking to vent. Nothing more. I gave up on God. For only a short time, I gave up on God. I wanted the darkness to overcome me. I wanted a purpose to be fulfilled. I wanted to destroy and be destroyed. And I destroyed. Myself. My faith. And in the midst of all this there was an angel in my life. Always truth. Always honest. Always faithful. She crept into my life so easily. I let her. She was a friend. We were always honest from the start. She knew my plight, and counseled me. She was indeed a friend. But I could be a friend to no one. I didn't know how. I was vulnerable. I needed someone. But I was overwhelmed by a darkness in my life that I let get out of control. I couldn't see it. I didn't want to see it. I knew it was near. I just needed something worth while to fight for. Then I could overcome it. The I could fight it off. I needed someone to be that for me. I was desperate. And so, I clinged to her. We were unique. Honest and pure. I didn't know it then, but I loved her more than any other. But I was too selfish to let myself see it. I didn't let it be love. I didn't think it was possible. It was too soon for love. I told myself it was too soon, so it must not be. How can it be? When I was alone my heart was divided in two. But when I was with her it was whole. She was the only one to make it so. But I didn't trust it. I didn't know how. And soon that darkness overtook me. I surprised myself. I had never been so heartless. I always knew it was in me to be so, but I never let it be. She saw it in my eyes. She knew there was a sadness there, a darkness. I turned my head away. She got to me. She saw right through me. The façade I was creating was invisible to her. She knew me. I wouldn’t dare say that of anyone else. But she knew me. And with all the darkness, all the sadness out in front; with everything honest and open, she still cared. I was undeserving. A better heart I will never find. Yet for all that was honest and pure, for all the love, I made it something else. I made it carnal. I made it ugly. And I destroyed it. The most beautiful thing I have ever known, I destroyed it. I was bitter and angry. At God, at myself, at every love I had ever known. Even love itself. I hated it. I hated myself. I wanted to be consumed by anything but love. And so I brought down an angel from heaven. I took advantage of her trust. I took advantage of her love. And worst of all, I took advantage of her weakness. It wasn’t a conscious effort on my part. It didn’t need to be. All I had to do was not care. All I had to do was not consider my actions. Just do. I ignored that voice that told me not to do it. I know that voice. I know that spirit. It was the very thing I was rejecting. It was the thing at which my anger was directed. I will never forgive myself for that day. I can never make it better. I can never let it happen again. For a time I forgot myself. What it took for me to remember was the highest cost. I lost something of myself in those actions that I can never recover. And I took something from another that I can never repay. I allowed myself to become my enemy then. I allowed myself to become that darkness which I have always fought so hard against. I became the very thing I despise most in this world. And the cost of my time of defiance was far too great. I would give anything to go back and do it better. I would give anything. It was not me. It is a scar on my life that I will never let heal. I must never lose the reminder. I would take myself from this earth if it would begin to express my sorrow for the pain I have caused. But that would only make it worse. And so I stayed. But I have never been so tempted.

Chapter 3

I did love her. I wasn’t supposed to, but I did. Call backs were posted. Her name was there. I didn’t know what to do. I made my commitment already. I wasn’t about to drop out. Besides, this was the show I was waiting for. This was a song, a few lines. It was perfect. It was the step I needed at the time I needed it. I couldn’t drop out. But I couldn’t go through that again. Not again. I needed to make a mends. I needed to forget my pride. I needed to try to be a friend. She didn’t want to be awkward either. If I had asked her she would’ve dropped out of the show, for my comfort’s sake. I couldn’t ask that. That’s friendship. True friendship. I needed to at least try to be as good a friend to her as she was willing to be for me. So I make a mends. In my heart. Lose my pride. Do my damnedest to let it go.
It took a few days. But I did it. I swallowed my pride. I let my heart forgive. I let my ideas of what should’ve been go. I want to be friends I said. She does too. J All is good. All is great. She doesn’t know I love her. She hasn’t known that. I wonder if she should. But I’ll wait. No need to bring that up.
Finally at peace. This show is all I wanted it to be. I love the cast. I love it all. And all is great. For the first time since Pirates, I can simply focus on my nerves and original goals. I feel free.
Time once again passes by too quickly. And I once again try to make things evolve sooner than what is natural. I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am. The world doesn’t operate on the same time table as me. We are always out of sync it seems.
We are so close now. Too close. Way too close. I have to tell her. But I can’t. She inspires me. For the first time in years I allow art to flow. I can write music again. I want to write music again. I want to draw. I want to paint. I can’t touch my guitar without playing her song. I feels sad. I don’t know why. This will not do. So paint. I paint. It’s free. I can’t contain it. This is my expression to her of how I feel. A visual expression. A pure un-adulterated expression of emotion without the bastardized word attached. It seems safe to me. A way to say something without having to say it. I really did love her. I can’t explain why. So many reasons. Far more depth than most people allow themselves. Fun, kind, thoughtful. I couldn’t say much when I gave it to her. I didn’t know what to say. I think I might have told her it was how I felt. I think she knew. Somewhere inside, I think she knew. It seemed good. We got closer. Closer than before. Again, too close.
It became too much. I couldn’t be the same friend to her that she could be to me. It wasn’t in me. I didn’t know how. It all seemed right. It all seemed good. I wanted another shot. I figured things where different from before. We were so much more than in the past. I asked again. Or, I thought I did. I am careful. I wanted to be clear. I don’t know anymore. Date? I’m not sure if I said the word anymore. At the time I was sure I did. But it doesn’t matter now. I set myself up for it either way. Even so, the circumstances alone should have implied it. Never mind that. Kind, considerate? It seems so. Except when it came to me. Is that cold to say? Maybe. It seemed so at the time. But I really just don’t know anymore. I . . . well I wasn’t really in sync with the world at all it seems. Not only was I in a different timeline, I seemed to be in a different line altogether sometimes. I can’t remember. But I know myself. I know what I do. A misunderstanding at least. On both our parts. I guess I didn’t make myself clear. I guess she didn’t make herself clear. I thought it was sure to happen, just later- I left myself open in anticipation of it. She must have meant maybe, later if at all. But there was a window of time. Clearly. So I wait. And wait. Hours pass. And more. Maybe not so clear a window after all. I am broken.
She calls me. What reason should I hear? None. I should hear no reason. No excuse. They don’t matter. They only hurt. Any words fire like arrow stating the plain to see. Even in the back of her mind, the reasons do not matter, it is not me. Crushed. Vulnerable. I can only ask. Would we still be friends if I love you? Silence.
Such a thing to confess in a text. Are you alright? No. I’m sorry. It doesn’t matter. I thought you said. . . . I thought you meant. . . . I am so sorry. Would we still be friends if I where in love with you? Silence. I thought we were past all that. No. I thought I could do this but I can’t. More silence. And more.
How could she not have known? Did I really set myself up so blindly? It doesn’t matter. It hurts, but it doesn’t matter. Here we go again.
Yes. It will be weird. I already went through my weird phase. I think I am over it. Won’t it be hard for you?
Yes. But I value our friendship too much to not try.
So I tried. We stayed close. With boundaries. At first. Then less. Then more. And at times we both stood on that line, carefully balanced, tilting to each side but never stepping across. I need to fall. One way or the other, I need to fall. I can’t do this. I need to fall away. I need to be hurt. I can’t love you. I need to fall elsewhere. For our friendship. For my sanity.
And so I seek another. Timid. Fearless. Hiding. I found comfort in an angel.