I need a break. There is one more show I want to try for. But Before I do, I need to rest. So many reasons why. And so I stay home. Almost two weeks pass. What do people do? I was climbing walls. I missed it.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. This has been my life for nearly eight months. I needed it. And so I went back. I was lost without that theater. It was just about the only thing I liked in life. I heard that many of the cast had dropped out of the production. I was in. Just for fun. Something to do. I am glad I did.
This show was the best experience of them all. Everyone was fantastic. Fun. And friends. Everyone was friends. I was tired but happy. . . ish.
It’s true I wasn’t completely happy. But as much as could be expected I think. I had a place in the theater it’s true. But outside those performances I had no place. I had no other purpose. Outside those walls of make-believe, those comfortable imaginary lines drawn to keep out the viewer; I was indeed lost when they came down with the curtain. Yet something kept me distant from them. To a point, I kept to myself. But I did find there a few friends. True friends I believe.
But in my life, happy times are few and very far between. While one show is in performances another is in rehearsals. The one I have been waiting for. The one to prove I have overcome. My initial goals were being realized. My fears were at bay. My mind and body are weak. Was I ready? Not in the least. But nonetheless, the opportunity has come. This will be my last for a long while.
I had come full circle it seems. The very show I started with I was now ending with. Almost a year earlier I thought I could do better. Now we shall see. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know that I did. It’s not for me to say. I will make no effort to out do. I would no longer assume I could. I just need to do it.
My cast is wonderful. They are as strong as before, with their own strengths- and their own weakness’, me being one of them I feel.
My co-star is the sister of the one I have adored for so long, and a friend. It’s easy to pretend. But where one friendship lives another- it seems, must die. Reasons are many. Few. It made sense at the time. But never really. Nothing made complete sense anymore. Why we make the choices we do will remain unspoken. People can’t be expected to be so honest without some sort of security.
My choices now are instinctive and goal oriented. Nothing else matters to me. Nothing else can. I cannot let them. The only things and people who exist to me now are those created on that stage. This cast is off limits. I will make no efforts here. I know only a few of them to start with, and when it is all over we will simply part. Good show, well done, goodbye. No more friends. I can bare no more friendships. At the end of this one I disappear. Either in victory or in defeat, it does not matter.
My faith is in shambles, my mind is scattered in pieces, and my heart is rent in two. I am ill. From the time I was cast to the end of the run I was ill. And not just mentally, but truly physically ill. I grew weaker with every day. No rest between shows. I couldn’t rest. I hated this character. He is a coward. He is naive. Foolish. He has but one redeeming quality. But it’s not enough. And in the end all is victorious, innocence prevails. Love endures, and foolishness is rewarded by edification. All things perfect. A wasted effort of the mind. Yet I was consumed by it all. It’s good natured humor stuck me like a thorn in my side. And it’s pointlessness was like a weight on my shoulders I did not know how to bare. It all made me ill. I resented most all of it. And what is worse, my voice has betrayed me. My illness has taken it’s greatest ransom. My confidence only flies so high as my voice can take it. And this damned illness has me grounded. What is it then? Stress. So petty a thing. My life has been defined by it. Why should it consume me now? Nothing special here. Nothing at all. Nothing.
Damn it then. I’ll go on. I had a system of pills. They helped in the mean time. But really nothing made me so numb as I needed to be. Not a thing could ease the pain. Not but one. Curtain. One way or another, I was going out there. And I was going to sing. I’ll choke down the blood if I have to. But I won’t miss a note. (except that one) My throat was tight. It hurt to even speak. In fact, I did very little speaking at all off stage. My teeth cringed in pain a good share of the time. If I spoke I spoke through them. But that was just me. Fredrick, was un-inhibited. The fool.
I can’t speak to the success of my last effort. It served my purpose. But what of the audience? I can only hope.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. This has been my life for nearly eight months. I needed it. And so I went back. I was lost without that theater. It was just about the only thing I liked in life. I heard that many of the cast had dropped out of the production. I was in. Just for fun. Something to do. I am glad I did.
This show was the best experience of them all. Everyone was fantastic. Fun. And friends. Everyone was friends. I was tired but happy. . . ish.
It’s true I wasn’t completely happy. But as much as could be expected I think. I had a place in the theater it’s true. But outside those performances I had no place. I had no other purpose. Outside those walls of make-believe, those comfortable imaginary lines drawn to keep out the viewer; I was indeed lost when they came down with the curtain. Yet something kept me distant from them. To a point, I kept to myself. But I did find there a few friends. True friends I believe.
But in my life, happy times are few and very far between. While one show is in performances another is in rehearsals. The one I have been waiting for. The one to prove I have overcome. My initial goals were being realized. My fears were at bay. My mind and body are weak. Was I ready? Not in the least. But nonetheless, the opportunity has come. This will be my last for a long while.
I had come full circle it seems. The very show I started with I was now ending with. Almost a year earlier I thought I could do better. Now we shall see. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know that I did. It’s not for me to say. I will make no effort to out do. I would no longer assume I could. I just need to do it.
My cast is wonderful. They are as strong as before, with their own strengths- and their own weakness’, me being one of them I feel.
My co-star is the sister of the one I have adored for so long, and a friend. It’s easy to pretend. But where one friendship lives another- it seems, must die. Reasons are many. Few. It made sense at the time. But never really. Nothing made complete sense anymore. Why we make the choices we do will remain unspoken. People can’t be expected to be so honest without some sort of security.
My choices now are instinctive and goal oriented. Nothing else matters to me. Nothing else can. I cannot let them. The only things and people who exist to me now are those created on that stage. This cast is off limits. I will make no efforts here. I know only a few of them to start with, and when it is all over we will simply part. Good show, well done, goodbye. No more friends. I can bare no more friendships. At the end of this one I disappear. Either in victory or in defeat, it does not matter.
My faith is in shambles, my mind is scattered in pieces, and my heart is rent in two. I am ill. From the time I was cast to the end of the run I was ill. And not just mentally, but truly physically ill. I grew weaker with every day. No rest between shows. I couldn’t rest. I hated this character. He is a coward. He is naive. Foolish. He has but one redeeming quality. But it’s not enough. And in the end all is victorious, innocence prevails. Love endures, and foolishness is rewarded by edification. All things perfect. A wasted effort of the mind. Yet I was consumed by it all. It’s good natured humor stuck me like a thorn in my side. And it’s pointlessness was like a weight on my shoulders I did not know how to bare. It all made me ill. I resented most all of it. And what is worse, my voice has betrayed me. My illness has taken it’s greatest ransom. My confidence only flies so high as my voice can take it. And this damned illness has me grounded. What is it then? Stress. So petty a thing. My life has been defined by it. Why should it consume me now? Nothing special here. Nothing at all. Nothing.
Damn it then. I’ll go on. I had a system of pills. They helped in the mean time. But really nothing made me so numb as I needed to be. Not a thing could ease the pain. Not but one. Curtain. One way or another, I was going out there. And I was going to sing. I’ll choke down the blood if I have to. But I won’t miss a note. (except that one) My throat was tight. It hurt to even speak. In fact, I did very little speaking at all off stage. My teeth cringed in pain a good share of the time. If I spoke I spoke through them. But that was just me. Fredrick, was un-inhibited. The fool.
I can’t speak to the success of my last effort. It served my purpose. But what of the audience? I can only hope.
Ammon your writing continues to improve with each posting. This could not be better:
ReplyDeleteI had a place in the theater it’s true. But outside those performances I had no place. I had no other purpose. Outside those walls of make-believe, those comfortable imaginary lines drawn to keep out the viewer; I was indeed lost when they came down with the curtain.
If you can get all your writing to look and sound and flow like this you will be rich once you turn your imagination to writting fiction and express it this way! All I can say is WOW and hang in there and if you find time let me hear a few lines from you.
DAD