Fallen

I found an angel it's true. But who was I to see angels? I was undeserving. And I proved it. I wasn't looking for faith. I wasn't looking for God. I was looking the other way. I was looking to be brought down to destruction. I was looking to vent. Nothing more. I gave up on God. For only a short time, I gave up on God. I wanted the darkness to overcome me. I wanted a purpose to be fulfilled. I wanted to destroy and be destroyed. And I destroyed. Myself. My faith. And in the midst of all this there was an angel in my life. Always truth. Always honest. Always faithful. She crept into my life so easily. I let her. She was a friend. We were always honest from the start. She knew my plight, and counseled me. She was indeed a friend. But I could be a friend to no one. I didn't know how. I was vulnerable. I needed someone. But I was overwhelmed by a darkness in my life that I let get out of control. I couldn't see it. I didn't want to see it. I knew it was near. I just needed something worth while to fight for. Then I could overcome it. The I could fight it off. I needed someone to be that for me. I was desperate. And so, I clinged to her. We were unique. Honest and pure. I didn't know it then, but I loved her more than any other. But I was too selfish to let myself see it. I didn't let it be love. I didn't think it was possible. It was too soon for love. I told myself it was too soon, so it must not be. How can it be? When I was alone my heart was divided in two. But when I was with her it was whole. She was the only one to make it so. But I didn't trust it. I didn't know how. And soon that darkness overtook me. I surprised myself. I had never been so heartless. I always knew it was in me to be so, but I never let it be. She saw it in my eyes. She knew there was a sadness there, a darkness. I turned my head away. She got to me. She saw right through me. The façade I was creating was invisible to her. She knew me. I wouldn’t dare say that of anyone else. But she knew me. And with all the darkness, all the sadness out in front; with everything honest and open, she still cared. I was undeserving. A better heart I will never find. Yet for all that was honest and pure, for all the love, I made it something else. I made it carnal. I made it ugly. And I destroyed it. The most beautiful thing I have ever known, I destroyed it. I was bitter and angry. At God, at myself, at every love I had ever known. Even love itself. I hated it. I hated myself. I wanted to be consumed by anything but love. And so I brought down an angel from heaven. I took advantage of her trust. I took advantage of her love. And worst of all, I took advantage of her weakness. It wasn’t a conscious effort on my part. It didn’t need to be. All I had to do was not care. All I had to do was not consider my actions. Just do. I ignored that voice that told me not to do it. I know that voice. I know that spirit. It was the very thing I was rejecting. It was the thing at which my anger was directed. I will never forgive myself for that day. I can never make it better. I can never let it happen again. For a time I forgot myself. What it took for me to remember was the highest cost. I lost something of myself in those actions that I can never recover. And I took something from another that I can never repay. I allowed myself to become my enemy then. I allowed myself to become that darkness which I have always fought so hard against. I became the very thing I despise most in this world. And the cost of my time of defiance was far too great. I would give anything to go back and do it better. I would give anything. It was not me. It is a scar on my life that I will never let heal. I must never lose the reminder. I would take myself from this earth if it would begin to express my sorrow for the pain I have caused. But that would only make it worse. And so I stayed. But I have never been so tempted.