I was decided. I was done- done with it all. I was done with this state- for good this time too. I was going to just get up and go- find my own way, be my own person. No more waiting. No more wondering. I just needed to get out. Then a revelation. No. I can not leave. I need to stay another year. Why? For what? But I couldn’t deny it. I knew all to well the truth of it. I needed to stay. Another year. Six months. I’ll stay six months. Make it fast, make it clear, make it six months. Ok. Six months. I hate this state- I despise these people- I need something to keep me sane for the time. I decided to try my hand at school again- it will keep me busy- keep my mind off things. I took a loan. A loan I cannot repay. I don’t care really. If things work out, then I will care- but if they don’t, then I am gone. Gone for good. Loans don’t matter to me. Nothing matters to me- nothing but my responsibility to honor that which I know is right. I must stay. Finally, I feel a sense of purpose. I don’t know what it is- but it is coming. And I have a time to expect it. This I can endure. I said though, at the end of my patience, I will not seek it- make it clear. I was intending only to endure this time remaining- to hold steadfast to the commitments I had already made- and fall no further than I was. If I was to be more- then let me be more- but I will not go looking for it. Not anymore.
I kept to myself. I loaded on the classes. I was going to keep my head in my school and make an honest effort at it. Maybe this is what I have been waiting for- a reason. . . I am not a good student. It is too much for me. I can’t do it well and hold down a job. I needed to drop some courses. If I didn’t have to work I would be fine- I really would. 18 credits is not that hard- but my job wares me down too much. I wait a week or two to see how I am doing- but I can’t find the time to do my math homework. Dropped. That’s good. I can sleep another hour now. Good choice. A chance opportunity at another course just opened- same time as another, harder course; dropped. Another good choice. That lightens my load quite a bit. I need to drop one more. It’s a conflict. One, I know will be a demanding course- that doesn’t frighten me- I just don’t know if I have the time. And the other is. . . Well. . . I let myself get behind already. That makes that an easier decision. Dropped. That gives me time now. I should be ok with the hard one now- now I can just focus on school and work, and nothing else. Just when I think I’m all settled. . . Just when I think I have it all figured out. . . Something always comes up. I wanted to give up on that course- I wanted to quit. It didn’t seem to be going anywhere. But every time I got to that point of total disinterest, something struck me. It was intriguing again. And so I stayed. Now it’s to late to drop it. I might as well try. And once again, God put an angel in my life. This one is different. I see her different than any other before. At first, I admit, I only saw the physical. At first, all I wanted was that. But something deep inside me wouldn’t let me see her that way. Something deep inside me said “this one is special.” I couldn’t help myself but to see her with different eyes from then on. I was comfortable with her. She was a friend instantly. The first time we really spoke, was after class. We spent the rest of the day together. I instantly loved her. And I did not want to. She inspired me to be better. I wanted to be better because I knew, for me, someone like her was just impossible. She was too good for me- she is still. I needed to change, a lot. Damn love! I will not say it- I will not let it. . . I will fight it off! Damn love. But there is never enough time in a day. We cursed the sunset when we had to part. We cursed the distance that kept us apart. And in our hearts we secretly cursed our faith- our upbringing- our duties. We cursed the right and we cursed integrity. But mostly just the hours of the days, when there wasn’t enough time. Happiness is strange to me. I am happy. She makes me happy. And I made her happy too. She tells me she loves me. I hesitate. I don’t want to say it. Not ever. Not to anyone ever again. But I do, love her. More than life. I choke my pride and say it. I love you. We say it like it’s all we know. But those words are not enough. No words are enough, but ‘I love you’ is what we have so we say it. Over and over and over again we say it. Each time with new inflection, each time as if it has new meaning from the last. I love you. More than life. More than music. More than singing. More than writing. More than a summer breeze. More than the stars, more than the moon, more than there are grains sand on the beaches of all the shores in all the world, I love you. More than life, I love you. Nothing else matters.
I prayed for someone to come. Someone to love, and someone to love me. I prayed for someone who is good to me, someone who will encourage me in my goals and dreams. And he sent me you. I love you. And I know- I am meant for you- to save you.
I have been broken for so long. I have sought out every avenue I can on my own only to find I can go nowhere. I have been lost for so long- I do not hardly no where to turn to find my way back. I prayed for a purpose. I prayed for help. I prayed for a direction. He sent me you. I do not want to be lost anymore. Help me find my way back to the fold. Help me find strength. Let me borrow from you, your faith and courage, until I can find my own again. Let me borrow your strength, and in return I will promise you- I will not be lost again. I will make it. And all you sacrifice for me will never be in vain. I promise you I will stand again in honor and favor, and I will contend for you and your sacrifice for me. For you have saved me when no one else would. And you have shown me who I can be- who I was meant to be- and have taught me that I am not lost, that I can find my way back again, and that there is light in my eyes- no matter how dim it is now, it is there. And it is hope, courage, integrity, and love that I have forgotten ever existed. Forgive me the times that I have failed you. Forgive me all the times that I was not who I am meant to be. Forgive me my weaknesses. Forgive me for all the times when I am down an myself, the times when I don’t know I can make it. Forgive me my weak faith. Forgive me my weak mind. Forgive me for not treating you as you should be, like an angel. Forgive me all this. Forgive me for not being worthy of you. I am not worthy to hear your voice, or speak your name- let alone have kissed your lips. Forgive me for not being stronger sooner. But I am saved. I would not ask all this without fulfilling my promise to you- that I am found again. I know the path home again. And I would like to walk it with you. I love you, more than life. Forgive me.

. . .turn around.

The summer left me desolate. I had given up. I was prepared to throw this life away and disappear forever. I wanted this life to end, but I did not want to die. I just wanted a new life, one with a purpose. I needed a direction other than the one I was on. I tried desperately to create one on my own. Strike out! No! Not going to happen! I wrestled with myself. I knew I would just be back in the same mess as always, the same sad unproductive state that has been the sum of my years on this earth. I couldn’t leave. I could only pretend to be running away for short periods of time, only to just crawl back. What is the plan then? Why is there such a desire in me to run, to never settle; while all the time in conflict, I have an undesirable compulsion to stay the course; stay true to the right! Damn the right! . . . the higher choice, the responsibility. Who do I live for if not me? I’ve answered my own question. I want nothing for myself. that’s the truth of it. If I wanted anything for myself it would be far more peace than what is offered in this life. If I wanted to save myself, I would feel no compulsion to be responsible. Yet I do feel responsible. So much so that it aches my very soul that I can do little for it. What is you plan for me?

Summer of '08

(added dec 01, 2008 - after published)
And so I’ve come to it. She came to me at a time of isolation; a time when I had given up nearly completely. But not completely. That was just weeks before. I had given up, but it was short lived. What would be the point? And so I found myself back in the same state as I have always been. Alone. Without means to execute my goals, without means to do much of anything. Yet, though I was the same as before, I did have one new devotion to give me hope. I was determined to be more… respectable. And that’s when I found her. Again? I thought to myself. I want no one at this point. Just let me work and save so I can go to school and put this all behind me. This is what I wanted. This is what I needed. And yet there she was, boring her way into my essence. I could not escape her. And so with little cunning, and great desire, we introduced each other over a game.
I had a number now. Like something of a prescription, a prescription for the pain I have longed for so long to ease. But like any drug it runs a risk of dependence. I can see why people get lost in something like a drug. I had no addiction yet, but I wanted one. The risk of all the pain of it (love) wasn’t enough to out weigh the possible cure for my affliction. So I called it, that number; that prescription I had so longed to have filled, in hopes the it would fill a void in me. And for a time it did.
Time moves too quickly. Can not a man ever feel safe from its grasp? I beg it. I plead it. ‘Time please let me be. Forget about me and leave me in this moment forever. No one need know that you have missed one so insignificant as me. I could tell no one of it. They would only go on with you into the unknown, as I am left behind. Let it be so. It would only take an instant to satisfy for a lifetime. Or is it possible at all? Could I be unworthy of such a gift? Is it possible that another has been granted what I have asked? Were they better than I am? Or was I simply too late in asking?’

I was bored, at work and I was bored as usual. The pool hall was empty as usual, and there were few regulars to play with. I was burned out on the game for the day anyway. I stood behind the counter looking out the large front windows, waiting for something to come along. And then, like out of a dream, I saw her. She wore a green hooded sweatshirt. Green has always been my favorite color. It was an overcast day which only made the colors more vivid. She had dark hair and glasses. I watched as she rode by on a red bicycle, and said to myself "I want a girl like that- she’s perfect." As she passed by, all I could do was hope she might stop and come in. I say hope, but really I was dreaming. A girl like that had no business where I was to be found. I wished I was someone else; someone who she might encounter. I wished as she continued out of site. She continued across the intersection and disappeared behind the building adjacent to the pool hall. And just like that. . . She was gone. It was only a moment, but it seemed like more. I looked for a bit longer, but she was gone. I settled on the thought, then began to go about myself as I had before. But as I began to do so my breath was taken away from me as I saw her coming back around the corner. Again, my mind was taken from the dismal to the fantastic. Yet, again I watched her pass by, this time in a different direction, but still not in mine. I sighed, and thought to my self, “if I had a girl like that, how happy I would be.” I let her go again from my mind and continued on with my work. After a few moments I was stunned again. But this time she was here, standing in front of me. I couldn’t believe it. I, no doubt, in my disbelieving state stumbled over my words. She was stunning. For, I was stunned. She played alone. I thought to myself as I watched her (trying hard not to be too obvious about it), surely she is waiting for someone. But as the time passed I noticed something. She glanced at me, several times. Could it be possible? It seemed like she was waiting for me. A predicament. I find myself a coward for such things. I found excuses, I have plenty of them. But none were good enough. And just when I was wondering to myself how I might approach her, she approached me. Fate will prove, be it a lucky thing for me or not. I thought it a lucky thing for a while. Now. . .? Now I do not know. But I do know she made me happy for a while. And I needed to be happy. But happiness proved short lived. Soon treachery would tare its way into my life, turning all hope inside out. Despair set in. Should I tell the details? I wonder. Does it matter now what “friends” stabbed me in the back then? Does it matter what lies have been told about me? Does it matter, the opinions of fools and thieves; the opinions of liars and cheaters, rouges and misfits? Does it matter now, that a home was turned against me? That those who should have known, did not? That those who should have trusted believed the lies? Does it matter now, that a reputation of respect and understanding, kindness and truth, was repaid with lies and deceit; malicious behavior without regard, that defies understanding? Does any of that matter now? NO! But it does linger on doesn’t it? I had sought refuge in that place I had run to so many times in the past, only to have it overrun by thoughtlessness and inconsiderate behavior. It seemed all was taken from me. My home, my friends, my love. . .all had turned me out, save it were a few. But I found no comfort in them. The summer was the end of me. I no longer had anything to hold on to. Finally I was free. I just needed a destination. I decided to leave it all behind. I decided to give up on everything. I felt if I was to be lost and alone, that I would be lost to the world and go it alone. I took time. As much time as I could. But the feeling never left me. I was indeed done.

Ozz

I have moved so many times in my life that nothing feels like home. “Friends” come and “friends” go. People all look the same. Nothing special. Time spent with a degree of devotion creates those bonds, of which I have had few. There has been one. And I have felt at home there over the years. It was a place that was there for me when I had nothing. I did feel at home there. I felt I had a place to be for the first time in my life. And no one judged. It was just how it was and nobody questioned it. To this place I owe a great deal that can never be paid. I grew up there. So much growth depends on having a place to simply feel comfortable at the end of the day. It was a place of refuge. And I grew so much there.
I thought I had friends there too. If nothing else, I had a social life- a group to hang out with. But still they were only ever to be taken at face value. I never really got close to any of them. But still, there is a lot to be said for seeing the same group of people most every night for several years. If you are watching you will unavoidably be connected. But mostly for me, it was the simple fact that things are what they are, and nobody there questioned or judged it. I needed that. I was lost for many years. And that place helped me find who I was, due in large part to that attitude. But enough about this place for now. But it is important for one who wants to understand me, to understand how much I loved that place.

Fleeting Plumes of Smoke

In my chest there beats what resembles a heart. But it is not a heart; rather, many fragments of heart. And not one of these fragments matches another, for they are all from different sources. They come from tragedies of life, broken dreams, broken hearts, ect. The newest of these being the largest part of the collective till it dwindles like a dieing ember and shrinks to a comfortable size. The fire has been put out long ago, but these embers still glow; some more than others. Indeed some die out completely, becoming cold and black, while others glow warm for some time. And some never die. Some never shrink. But be ware of those that never shrink, while their glow dims ever darker than the rest. They grow cold and black, and can consume you. Few of these have I in my heart. And then there are those embers that never die… and never shrink in intensity. They only conform with the collective out of necessity. They dim their light only enough as what needs to be, yet they burn as hot as ever before. One can not rest with such a fire inside him. And yet, it can not be spoken of or disclosed to anyone. It remains only to burn the heart evermore. It burns with such passion that other fragments decay, while others are ignited again. A fiery torment begins in the soul. Passions once dormant and comfortably smothered live out wildly in sporadic and brief fleets of flame, only to smolder again uncomfortably now in the chest. The collective aches and burns in confusion because of these fits. Each one with a memory of its own. Wretched memories once lying calm and forgotten in the furthest reaches of the mind, now dredged up again like a body from the ground. With no soul they wander. They are ghosts of the past. And like smoke they must vanish again, floating again to those places we hide our feelings. They leave only a reminder of themselves freshly imprinted on our minds. . . fleeting plumes of smoke. . . eventually…every love… fleeting plumes of smoke. May the pieces of what I call my heart find peace and still the fires, so I can rest.

Full Circle

I need a break. There is one more show I want to try for. But Before I do, I need to rest. So many reasons why. And so I stay home. Almost two weeks pass. What do people do? I was climbing walls. I missed it.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. This has been my life for nearly eight months. I needed it. And so I went back. I was lost without that theater. It was just about the only thing I liked in life. I heard that many of the cast had dropped out of the production. I was in. Just for fun. Something to do. I am glad I did.
This show was the best experience of them all. Everyone was fantastic. Fun. And friends. Everyone was friends. I was tired but happy. . . ish.
It’s true I wasn’t completely happy. But as much as could be expected I think. I had a place in the theater it’s true. But outside those performances I had no place. I had no other purpose. Outside those walls of make-believe, those comfortable imaginary lines drawn to keep out the viewer; I was indeed lost when they came down with the curtain. Yet something kept me distant from them. To a point, I kept to myself. But I did find there a few friends. True friends I believe.
But in my life, happy times are few and very far between. While one show is in performances another is in rehearsals. The one I have been waiting for. The one to prove I have overcome. My initial goals were being realized. My fears were at bay. My mind and body are weak. Was I ready? Not in the least. But nonetheless, the opportunity has come. This will be my last for a long while.
I had come full circle it seems. The very show I started with I was now ending with. Almost a year earlier I thought I could do better. Now we shall see. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know that I did. It’s not for me to say. I will make no effort to out do. I would no longer assume I could. I just need to do it.
My cast is wonderful. They are as strong as before, with their own strengths- and their own weakness’, me being one of them I feel.
My co-star is the sister of the one I have adored for so long, and a friend. It’s easy to pretend. But where one friendship lives another- it seems, must die. Reasons are many. Few. It made sense at the time. But never really. Nothing made complete sense anymore. Why we make the choices we do will remain unspoken. People can’t be expected to be so honest without some sort of security.
My choices now are instinctive and goal oriented. Nothing else matters to me. Nothing else can. I cannot let them. The only things and people who exist to me now are those created on that stage. This cast is off limits. I will make no efforts here. I know only a few of them to start with, and when it is all over we will simply part. Good show, well done, goodbye. No more friends. I can bare no more friendships. At the end of this one I disappear. Either in victory or in defeat, it does not matter.
My faith is in shambles, my mind is scattered in pieces, and my heart is rent in two. I am ill. From the time I was cast to the end of the run I was ill. And not just mentally, but truly physically ill. I grew weaker with every day. No rest between shows. I couldn’t rest. I hated this character. He is a coward. He is naive. Foolish. He has but one redeeming quality. But it’s not enough. And in the end all is victorious, innocence prevails. Love endures, and foolishness is rewarded by edification. All things perfect. A wasted effort of the mind. Yet I was consumed by it all. It’s good natured humor stuck me like a thorn in my side. And it’s pointlessness was like a weight on my shoulders I did not know how to bare. It all made me ill. I resented most all of it. And what is worse, my voice has betrayed me. My illness has taken it’s greatest ransom. My confidence only flies so high as my voice can take it. And this damned illness has me grounded. What is it then? Stress. So petty a thing. My life has been defined by it. Why should it consume me now? Nothing special here. Nothing at all. Nothing.
Damn it then. I’ll go on. I had a system of pills. They helped in the mean time. But really nothing made me so numb as I needed to be. Not a thing could ease the pain. Not but one. Curtain. One way or another, I was going out there. And I was going to sing. I’ll choke down the blood if I have to. But I won’t miss a note. (except that one) My throat was tight. It hurt to even speak. In fact, I did very little speaking at all off stage. My teeth cringed in pain a good share of the time. If I spoke I spoke through them. But that was just me. Fredrick, was un-inhibited. The fool.
I can’t speak to the success of my last effort. It served my purpose. But what of the audience? I can only hope.

There is a darkness in me. It has been there since I was about eleven years old. My faith has kept it at bay. For a time I lost my faith. I forgot who I was. The darkness consumed me then. I let it. I welcomed it. Was I insane? What was reality? I couldn't tell you. I did not know. I knew only to trust my heart. But my heart betrayed me. It lead me to one who would test my faith. One who would make me doubt it. One who would have me believe it was all delusion. I was so lost. I could not balance confusion and love and faith all at once. How could I? My heart said one thing, and my faith said another. I was fooled. The adversary has found a new tool against me. Love. So easily, he deceived me. So easily. I was lost. I lost all faith. I had only what I knew and what I felt. Usually that is enough to keep one on the right side of things. But I needed to trust others. I needed to believe what others told me. To great the risk of losing all, if I get caught up in my own mind again. I needed to trust. And so I did. And so I let that one I had loved so long bleed me. I let my faith run out. And I trusted the lies. My faith is dead. I cannot tell the difference. But I needed it to be so. I needed to be lost so I could make a choice. I have been waiting for the choice to make me, but it will not come. And so I believed a lie. Believing it was of God. For a time, my faith is restored. I pray. I weep. I repent. Almost. But still my heart is divided. I always choose wrong. I have but two options, and I choose the facade. I choose to be fooled.