I cannot do justice here by telling this story. She likes me, I think. No one. A person of interest, but I can ask her out. We never had this conversation. It's done then. I was flying. Scared out of my mind, but empowered all the same. Flying.
I should skip this part. I set out to overcome my fears. I wanted to perform as a musician someday. That was the purpose. I never set out to fall in love. That was never factored in. And my secondary agenda, to find a healthy balance from which to reference my life, was suddenly in jeopardy. People do silly things when they involve their hearts. Who is to say what is crazy, what is normal? Was I even in love with her? (huh? I say was.) How can one tell? Who is to say what is love and what is not? If I am out of sync with reality then where do I stand on such complicated ground? Can I even tell this story with any degree of certainty? No. I can not. But I can tell it the way I know it. And so I will tell what I know.
I got too close too soon. I always do. I was falling in love and she just wanted to heal. Her heart was wounded. I will never know why or how. I pushed her away by trying to be close. She built a wall, but not around her heart. She built a wall around mine. Defenses were in place already, and yet she built a wall. This was far worse than if I had made myself a fool. I would have rather her turn me out flat and quickly, rather than to know. . . I would have rather let it go. But no, I am stubborn. She is stuborn. Scared. Now I am wounded. This show was real. From the stage to the dressing room, I carried the same pain. This was one charicter who had me pegged, and I could not escape him. Our friendship withered away. This one was important to me. Far more than any other. Even though it was never part of the plan.
Another show. Thank God that is over. Time to get back on course. My fear of performing is all but gone. My previous role was a learning one. I grew from it a great deal. And with my growth my fears subsided. Now it was time to make more friends. Different friends. This time, and from now on, there are limits. Let them close but not too close. It's better for everyone that way. I wasn't going through another show like the one previous. It's all fun and games from now on. And it was. A Christmas Carrol. I felt as if I was Scrooge. But I couldn't be him, even if I wanted to. I was cheerfull and gay. That was my part. Smiling hurts my face, but I do it. It feels unnatual, but I do it. But smiling alone isn't enough. My mood needs to change. Something is needed to take my heart off things unpleasant. And so I let one in. Another friend. But not too close, she doesn't want to be that close anyway so it works out fine. For the time being My heart is content. That show seemed to last forever. It ended far too soon.
Along the way I have made lasting friendships. Not the kind of friends that I call up for a party every weekend (some of them could be), but really I am not that kind of person, but friends that will always have a kind word and a story to tell when I see them. I think for most people that's all they require of a friend. Perhaps I require too much. But then again, there is but one real requrement I insist on. To me a friend is honest. Degrees of course apply. I wouldn't expect explicite trust in telling a friend anything, not right away, maybe never. But there are lines to be drawn. And thus lines to be crossed. For my purposes it was necissary. Because of the nature of my interest in having "friends" at all I needed to be able to trust my friends. But i think it is an obvious assumption where honesty applys in relation to the closeness of a friend. But then again. . . maybe it's only obvious to me.
My brother decided to go on to other things shortly after our first show together. But I have not gone it alone. From the first show even to my last, I have had a constant companion. He was at times like a brother. We joked about it often in fact, that we shound have been brothers. In every show together learning as we go and taking on our fears we found a common bond in the theater. Yet again, things seemed to be passing by too fast. Many of us planned to come back again, and audition in the spring. All of those friends would be together again, with new faces for our funnest show yet. But for now it was time for a break. Just a few weeks is all. Then the magic of theater would start again. It had been a bumby road for me so far, but worth every bounce. I would be back for sure. I couldn't wait.
She wouldn't be back for this one. Bitter-sweet.