This has been one of the hardest years of my life. Just over a year ago today I auditioned for the first time for a theatrical production. My brother said to me, "..you know you want to." He was right. I did want to. I wanted a chance to sing. I wanted a chance to be on that stage and have all eyes on me. I wanted to be a star. But most of all, I wanted to take on something that scared me more than anything else. I wanted to take that fear that thwarted my every effort as a child to be who I knew I was. I wanted to prove that I can rise above what others saw of me. I was ready. I was ready to be afraid so I would never be afraid again.
So I went. I rehearsed briefly. I knew I could sing, and better than most anyone else. That wasn't my concern. My brother was frantic. Nervous. I was nervous. I was scared. My blood ran cold. I used every fiber of my being just to stay in the moment and not disappear like I have done so many times in the past. I was determined to see this moment pass me. Determined to live it, not just let it pass, but live it through to its end no matter how miserable it may turn out. No matter what it was going to happen. For me, for my brother; he couldn't have done it without me; I don't think. I couldn't have done it without him. I wouldn't have. So I sang. He sang. And well. .. both of us- well. It was triumphant. We were cast.
Ensemble. Looking back, it was right. We couldn't carry more than the background of a community theater production, not then. We were satisfied with it. The cast was strong, all but the lead. I could sing it better. But, then again. . . I might have failed then. I wasn't ready. Not even ready to try. Back stage is were the fun is anyway. Nothing but egos when those lights come up. But behind the curtain, in the black light- the green rooms- that's what made it worth it. That's where I met them all. My experiment on my self has begun.
I wanted to take on a fear. I was going to beat it once and for all. But the theater offered me another opportunity as well. I didn't need to be alone anymore. These people were truly special. We were like a family. I had a chance here. A chance to make friendships; friendships that would last. This was a test indeed of myself. I had it all figured out to a point. I would keep auditioning, keep taking roles, no matter what the part, until I could get a leading part. I didn't need to be the star. That wasn't what it was about. I just wanted so sing and be heard. If I could just get a song- a line here and there, and sell it; that was the goal. That would defeat the fear. And in the mean time, with such talented people around me, my goal was now two fold. I could overcome my anxiety of performing as well as my anxieties of. . . well... people.
I was always afraid as a child. I don't know where it came from. I was just always afraid of people. A stranger would look me in the eye and it filled me with fear. So much so that I often hid away and cried. I learned young to avoid these situations, by avoiding their vectors, such as people. I was always alone given the chance. I didn't prefer it. But it was comfortable and I wasn't afraid. And so, no one got in. My family became strangers to me. I lived an isolated life.
I soon learned something about people. Those eyes. They tell all. Maybe that's why I was afraid. Maybe I felt they were seeing my soul, snooping through my secrets (as if I had any as a child). Much like the way I see into a persons heart when I look them in the eyes. I learned this young. And I learned to be accurate. I could read people at an instant. But seeing people so plainly only tends to drive one further inside themselves. Such is my plight. I know too well my own heart. It is a disadvantage at times to see things so clearly. Especially for one so alone. For who is to say that what was so clear to me was accurate? Was I distorted? I did not know. But here in this last year I have found the answer. Yes, the simple act of friendship had eluded me for too long. This could give me balance. This could prove me, one way or another. My mind is a jamble. It always has been. I have known since I was eleven that there was something inside of me that distorted my views on reality. I kept them in check, or so I thought. Yet, I was never wrong. Never. Could I possibly know myself so surely as I had thought I did? This will be the test. I must reference my life against other's so to find a balance. What better way to do so than to create friendships? There is none.
The first show I did was pirates. I have pirates in my bloodline. It's of no help. I was lost on the stage. Awkward. My voice never failed me though. Not then it didn't. But my limbs, my body betrayed me. Stiff as a bored. I forced it to moved where I wanted it to, and when. It fumbled along timidly. But it got there. And I got there. And I stayed there. I was not afraid. Timid yes, but afraid? No.
Friends came easily. Everyone was eager to socialize. Is that normal I wondered? I was content to sit alone in a crowded room just listening to the chatter of everyone else. While others seem unsatisfied until they had exhausted every bit of small talk know to man. Then they moved on to another person or found something of interest in the small talk and a conversation ensued. And some just went strait into conversation from the other side of the room, letting others do the small talk for them. And this I noticed in girls in particular, sometimes there would be no small talk at all. One would just approach another and begin talking. I was lost again. I didn't know how they did it. I knew no small talk of my own, or is it all borrowed? Surely someone had something original to say to start a conversation. But in any case, I hadn't heard it anyway. So I was at a loss. I wasn't anti-social, but I certainly wasn't part of the scene back stage. Hmm... Maybe it takes more time that I had thought. I needed to learn this behavior. It's odd. It's meaningless. But it is necessary.
Slowly. It went slowly when it came to making friends. I think because my motivation was so different from everyone else. It seemed that others just took friendship for granted, and so casually made more friends quicker than some like me. While others seems motivated by primal urges and thus happened into friendships. I could not do so. I was to serious to take friends for granted, and too shy to even approach someone I didn't know as a romantic interest. I was stuck. But what's more, I had a time limit. This show wasn't going to last forever. I may never see some of these people again. The thought sent me in urgency. And even more so when I was discovering that I did have a crush on one of my fellow cast mates. This was problematic. She was beautiful. She was smart, funny, fun to be around. And what's more, she seemed normal. At least what I precieved to be normal. She had it all figured out. She had confidence and strength. Not at all like anyone I had been attracted to in the past. I almost let it be. I almost said nothing. It would have been an easy thing to do since I could think of no words to express myself. I could have walked away then. But that wasn't part of the plan. She was different that was sure. But in what way? I didn't know. It didn't matter. I wanted to ask her out.
I had a new problem. We were in the final week of the show and I still hadn't the words.
Closing night. Many of us had auditioned for another show and were cast. This gave me more time. But I had no need. The decision was made. Yet something has escaped me. What if. .. could I make myself a fool and endure another show in embarrassment? Surely not. I need to find out. . .is she even single? And if by some miracle she is single what makes me think she would even think of me? Or is there another interest? Maybe she doesn't even like me. Oh dear. This was a pickle. But by grace an answer struck me. Sisters are a Godsend. I'll ask her sister. The after party provides a last second opportunity. I wait for the last second. I ask.