Full Circle

I need a break. There is one more show I want to try for. But Before I do, I need to rest. So many reasons why. And so I stay home. Almost two weeks pass. What do people do? I was climbing walls. I missed it.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. This has been my life for nearly eight months. I needed it. And so I went back. I was lost without that theater. It was just about the only thing I liked in life. I heard that many of the cast had dropped out of the production. I was in. Just for fun. Something to do. I am glad I did.
This show was the best experience of them all. Everyone was fantastic. Fun. And friends. Everyone was friends. I was tired but happy. . . ish.
It’s true I wasn’t completely happy. But as much as could be expected I think. I had a place in the theater it’s true. But outside those performances I had no place. I had no other purpose. Outside those walls of make-believe, those comfortable imaginary lines drawn to keep out the viewer; I was indeed lost when they came down with the curtain. Yet something kept me distant from them. To a point, I kept to myself. But I did find there a few friends. True friends I believe.
But in my life, happy times are few and very far between. While one show is in performances another is in rehearsals. The one I have been waiting for. The one to prove I have overcome. My initial goals were being realized. My fears were at bay. My mind and body are weak. Was I ready? Not in the least. But nonetheless, the opportunity has come. This will be my last for a long while.
I had come full circle it seems. The very show I started with I was now ending with. Almost a year earlier I thought I could do better. Now we shall see. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know that I did. It’s not for me to say. I will make no effort to out do. I would no longer assume I could. I just need to do it.
My cast is wonderful. They are as strong as before, with their own strengths- and their own weakness’, me being one of them I feel.
My co-star is the sister of the one I have adored for so long, and a friend. It’s easy to pretend. But where one friendship lives another- it seems, must die. Reasons are many. Few. It made sense at the time. But never really. Nothing made complete sense anymore. Why we make the choices we do will remain unspoken. People can’t be expected to be so honest without some sort of security.
My choices now are instinctive and goal oriented. Nothing else matters to me. Nothing else can. I cannot let them. The only things and people who exist to me now are those created on that stage. This cast is off limits. I will make no efforts here. I know only a few of them to start with, and when it is all over we will simply part. Good show, well done, goodbye. No more friends. I can bare no more friendships. At the end of this one I disappear. Either in victory or in defeat, it does not matter.
My faith is in shambles, my mind is scattered in pieces, and my heart is rent in two. I am ill. From the time I was cast to the end of the run I was ill. And not just mentally, but truly physically ill. I grew weaker with every day. No rest between shows. I couldn’t rest. I hated this character. He is a coward. He is naive. Foolish. He has but one redeeming quality. But it’s not enough. And in the end all is victorious, innocence prevails. Love endures, and foolishness is rewarded by edification. All things perfect. A wasted effort of the mind. Yet I was consumed by it all. It’s good natured humor stuck me like a thorn in my side. And it’s pointlessness was like a weight on my shoulders I did not know how to bare. It all made me ill. I resented most all of it. And what is worse, my voice has betrayed me. My illness has taken it’s greatest ransom. My confidence only flies so high as my voice can take it. And this damned illness has me grounded. What is it then? Stress. So petty a thing. My life has been defined by it. Why should it consume me now? Nothing special here. Nothing at all. Nothing.
Damn it then. I’ll go on. I had a system of pills. They helped in the mean time. But really nothing made me so numb as I needed to be. Not a thing could ease the pain. Not but one. Curtain. One way or another, I was going out there. And I was going to sing. I’ll choke down the blood if I have to. But I won’t miss a note. (except that one) My throat was tight. It hurt to even speak. In fact, I did very little speaking at all off stage. My teeth cringed in pain a good share of the time. If I spoke I spoke through them. But that was just me. Fredrick, was un-inhibited. The fool.
I can’t speak to the success of my last effort. It served my purpose. But what of the audience? I can only hope.

There is a darkness in me. It has been there since I was about eleven years old. My faith has kept it at bay. For a time I lost my faith. I forgot who I was. The darkness consumed me then. I let it. I welcomed it. Was I insane? What was reality? I couldn't tell you. I did not know. I knew only to trust my heart. But my heart betrayed me. It lead me to one who would test my faith. One who would make me doubt it. One who would have me believe it was all delusion. I was so lost. I could not balance confusion and love and faith all at once. How could I? My heart said one thing, and my faith said another. I was fooled. The adversary has found a new tool against me. Love. So easily, he deceived me. So easily. I was lost. I lost all faith. I had only what I knew and what I felt. Usually that is enough to keep one on the right side of things. But I needed to trust others. I needed to believe what others told me. To great the risk of losing all, if I get caught up in my own mind again. I needed to trust. And so I did. And so I let that one I had loved so long bleed me. I let my faith run out. And I trusted the lies. My faith is dead. I cannot tell the difference. But I needed it to be so. I needed to be lost so I could make a choice. I have been waiting for the choice to make me, but it will not come. And so I believed a lie. Believing it was of God. For a time, my faith is restored. I pray. I weep. I repent. Almost. But still my heart is divided. I always choose wrong. I have but two options, and I choose the facade. I choose to be fooled.

Fallen

I found an angel it's true. But who was I to see angels? I was undeserving. And I proved it. I wasn't looking for faith. I wasn't looking for God. I was looking the other way. I was looking to be brought down to destruction. I was looking to vent. Nothing more. I gave up on God. For only a short time, I gave up on God. I wanted the darkness to overcome me. I wanted a purpose to be fulfilled. I wanted to destroy and be destroyed. And I destroyed. Myself. My faith. And in the midst of all this there was an angel in my life. Always truth. Always honest. Always faithful. She crept into my life so easily. I let her. She was a friend. We were always honest from the start. She knew my plight, and counseled me. She was indeed a friend. But I could be a friend to no one. I didn't know how. I was vulnerable. I needed someone. But I was overwhelmed by a darkness in my life that I let get out of control. I couldn't see it. I didn't want to see it. I knew it was near. I just needed something worth while to fight for. Then I could overcome it. The I could fight it off. I needed someone to be that for me. I was desperate. And so, I clinged to her. We were unique. Honest and pure. I didn't know it then, but I loved her more than any other. But I was too selfish to let myself see it. I didn't let it be love. I didn't think it was possible. It was too soon for love. I told myself it was too soon, so it must not be. How can it be? When I was alone my heart was divided in two. But when I was with her it was whole. She was the only one to make it so. But I didn't trust it. I didn't know how. And soon that darkness overtook me. I surprised myself. I had never been so heartless. I always knew it was in me to be so, but I never let it be. She saw it in my eyes. She knew there was a sadness there, a darkness. I turned my head away. She got to me. She saw right through me. The façade I was creating was invisible to her. She knew me. I wouldn’t dare say that of anyone else. But she knew me. And with all the darkness, all the sadness out in front; with everything honest and open, she still cared. I was undeserving. A better heart I will never find. Yet for all that was honest and pure, for all the love, I made it something else. I made it carnal. I made it ugly. And I destroyed it. The most beautiful thing I have ever known, I destroyed it. I was bitter and angry. At God, at myself, at every love I had ever known. Even love itself. I hated it. I hated myself. I wanted to be consumed by anything but love. And so I brought down an angel from heaven. I took advantage of her trust. I took advantage of her love. And worst of all, I took advantage of her weakness. It wasn’t a conscious effort on my part. It didn’t need to be. All I had to do was not care. All I had to do was not consider my actions. Just do. I ignored that voice that told me not to do it. I know that voice. I know that spirit. It was the very thing I was rejecting. It was the thing at which my anger was directed. I will never forgive myself for that day. I can never make it better. I can never let it happen again. For a time I forgot myself. What it took for me to remember was the highest cost. I lost something of myself in those actions that I can never recover. And I took something from another that I can never repay. I allowed myself to become my enemy then. I allowed myself to become that darkness which I have always fought so hard against. I became the very thing I despise most in this world. And the cost of my time of defiance was far too great. I would give anything to go back and do it better. I would give anything. It was not me. It is a scar on my life that I will never let heal. I must never lose the reminder. I would take myself from this earth if it would begin to express my sorrow for the pain I have caused. But that would only make it worse. And so I stayed. But I have never been so tempted.

Chapter 3

I did love her. I wasn’t supposed to, but I did. Call backs were posted. Her name was there. I didn’t know what to do. I made my commitment already. I wasn’t about to drop out. Besides, this was the show I was waiting for. This was a song, a few lines. It was perfect. It was the step I needed at the time I needed it. I couldn’t drop out. But I couldn’t go through that again. Not again. I needed to make a mends. I needed to forget my pride. I needed to try to be a friend. She didn’t want to be awkward either. If I had asked her she would’ve dropped out of the show, for my comfort’s sake. I couldn’t ask that. That’s friendship. True friendship. I needed to at least try to be as good a friend to her as she was willing to be for me. So I make a mends. In my heart. Lose my pride. Do my damnedest to let it go.
It took a few days. But I did it. I swallowed my pride. I let my heart forgive. I let my ideas of what should’ve been go. I want to be friends I said. She does too. J All is good. All is great. She doesn’t know I love her. She hasn’t known that. I wonder if she should. But I’ll wait. No need to bring that up.
Finally at peace. This show is all I wanted it to be. I love the cast. I love it all. And all is great. For the first time since Pirates, I can simply focus on my nerves and original goals. I feel free.
Time once again passes by too quickly. And I once again try to make things evolve sooner than what is natural. I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am. The world doesn’t operate on the same time table as me. We are always out of sync it seems.
We are so close now. Too close. Way too close. I have to tell her. But I can’t. She inspires me. For the first time in years I allow art to flow. I can write music again. I want to write music again. I want to draw. I want to paint. I can’t touch my guitar without playing her song. I feels sad. I don’t know why. This will not do. So paint. I paint. It’s free. I can’t contain it. This is my expression to her of how I feel. A visual expression. A pure un-adulterated expression of emotion without the bastardized word attached. It seems safe to me. A way to say something without having to say it. I really did love her. I can’t explain why. So many reasons. Far more depth than most people allow themselves. Fun, kind, thoughtful. I couldn’t say much when I gave it to her. I didn’t know what to say. I think I might have told her it was how I felt. I think she knew. Somewhere inside, I think she knew. It seemed good. We got closer. Closer than before. Again, too close.
It became too much. I couldn’t be the same friend to her that she could be to me. It wasn’t in me. I didn’t know how. It all seemed right. It all seemed good. I wanted another shot. I figured things where different from before. We were so much more than in the past. I asked again. Or, I thought I did. I am careful. I wanted to be clear. I don’t know anymore. Date? I’m not sure if I said the word anymore. At the time I was sure I did. But it doesn’t matter now. I set myself up for it either way. Even so, the circumstances alone should have implied it. Never mind that. Kind, considerate? It seems so. Except when it came to me. Is that cold to say? Maybe. It seemed so at the time. But I really just don’t know anymore. I . . . well I wasn’t really in sync with the world at all it seems. Not only was I in a different timeline, I seemed to be in a different line altogether sometimes. I can’t remember. But I know myself. I know what I do. A misunderstanding at least. On both our parts. I guess I didn’t make myself clear. I guess she didn’t make herself clear. I thought it was sure to happen, just later- I left myself open in anticipation of it. She must have meant maybe, later if at all. But there was a window of time. Clearly. So I wait. And wait. Hours pass. And more. Maybe not so clear a window after all. I am broken.
She calls me. What reason should I hear? None. I should hear no reason. No excuse. They don’t matter. They only hurt. Any words fire like arrow stating the plain to see. Even in the back of her mind, the reasons do not matter, it is not me. Crushed. Vulnerable. I can only ask. Would we still be friends if I love you? Silence.
Such a thing to confess in a text. Are you alright? No. I’m sorry. It doesn’t matter. I thought you said. . . . I thought you meant. . . . I am so sorry. Would we still be friends if I where in love with you? Silence. I thought we were past all that. No. I thought I could do this but I can’t. More silence. And more.
How could she not have known? Did I really set myself up so blindly? It doesn’t matter. It hurts, but it doesn’t matter. Here we go again.
Yes. It will be weird. I already went through my weird phase. I think I am over it. Won’t it be hard for you?
Yes. But I value our friendship too much to not try.
So I tried. We stayed close. With boundaries. At first. Then less. Then more. And at times we both stood on that line, carefully balanced, tilting to each side but never stepping across. I need to fall. One way or the other, I need to fall. I can’t do this. I need to fall away. I need to be hurt. I can’t love you. I need to fall elsewhere. For our friendship. For my sanity.
And so I seek another. Timid. Fearless. Hiding. I found comfort in an angel.

I cannot do justice here by telling this story. She likes me, I think. No one. A person of interest, but I can ask her out. We never had this conversation. It's done then. I was flying. Scared out of my mind, but empowered all the same. Flying.
I should skip this part. I set out to overcome my fears. I wanted to perform as a musician someday. That was the purpose. I never set out to fall in love. That was never factored in. And my secondary agenda, to find a healthy balance from which to reference my life, was suddenly in jeopardy. People do silly things when they involve their hearts. Who is to say what is crazy, what is normal? Was I even in love with her? (huh? I say was.) How can one tell? Who is to say what is love and what is not? If I am out of sync with reality then where do I stand on such complicated ground? Can I even tell this story with any degree of certainty? No. I can not. But I can tell it the way I know it. And so I will tell what I know.
I got too close too soon. I always do. I was falling in love and she just wanted to heal. Her heart was wounded. I will never know why or how. I pushed her away by trying to be close. She built a wall, but not around her heart. She built a wall around mine. Defenses were in place already, and yet she built a wall. This was far worse than if I had made myself a fool. I would have rather her turn me out flat and quickly, rather than to know. . . I would have rather let it go. But no, I am stubborn. She is stuborn. Scared. Now I am wounded. This show was real. From the stage to the dressing room, I carried the same pain. This was one charicter who had me pegged, and I could not escape him. Our friendship withered away. This one was important to me. Far more than any other. Even though it was never part of the plan.
Another show. Thank God that is over. Time to get back on course. My fear of performing is all but gone. My previous role was a learning one. I grew from it a great deal. And with my growth my fears subsided. Now it was time to make more friends. Different friends. This time, and from now on, there are limits. Let them close but not too close. It's better for everyone that way. I wasn't going through another show like the one previous. It's all fun and games from now on. And it was. A Christmas Carrol. I felt as if I was Scrooge. But I couldn't be him, even if I wanted to. I was cheerfull and gay. That was my part. Smiling hurts my face, but I do it. It feels unnatual, but I do it. But smiling alone isn't enough. My mood needs to change. Something is needed to take my heart off things unpleasant. And so I let one in. Another friend. But not too close, she doesn't want to be that close anyway so it works out fine. For the time being My heart is content. That show seemed to last forever. It ended far too soon.
Along the way I have made lasting friendships. Not the kind of friends that I call up for a party every weekend (some of them could be), but really I am not that kind of person, but friends that will always have a kind word and a story to tell when I see them. I think for most people that's all they require of a friend. Perhaps I require too much. But then again, there is but one real requrement I insist on. To me a friend is honest. Degrees of course apply. I wouldn't expect explicite trust in telling a friend anything, not right away, maybe never. But there are lines to be drawn. And thus lines to be crossed. For my purposes it was necissary. Because of the nature of my interest in having "friends" at all I needed to be able to trust my friends. But i think it is an obvious assumption where honesty applys in relation to the closeness of a friend. But then again. . . maybe it's only obvious to me.
My brother decided to go on to other things shortly after our first show together. But I have not gone it alone. From the first show even to my last, I have had a constant companion. He was at times like a brother. We joked about it often in fact, that we shound have been brothers. In every show together learning as we go and taking on our fears we found a common bond in the theater. Yet again, things seemed to be passing by too fast. Many of us planned to come back again, and audition in the spring. All of those friends would be together again, with new faces for our funnest show yet. But for now it was time for a break. Just a few weeks is all. Then the magic of theater would start again. It had been a bumby road for me so far, but worth every bounce. I would be back for sure. I couldn't wait.
She wouldn't be back for this one. Bitter-sweet.

This has been one of the hardest years of my life. Just over a year ago today I auditioned for the first time for a theatrical production. My brother said to me, "..you know you want to." He was right. I did want to. I wanted a chance to sing. I wanted a chance to be on that stage and have all eyes on me. I wanted to be a star. But most of all, I wanted to take on something that scared me more than anything else. I wanted to take that fear that thwarted my every effort as a child to be who I knew I was. I wanted to prove that I can rise above what others saw of me. I was ready. I was ready to be afraid so I would never be afraid again.
So I went. I rehearsed briefly. I knew I could sing, and better than most anyone else. That wasn't my concern. My brother was frantic. Nervous. I was nervous. I was scared. My blood ran cold. I used every fiber of my being just to stay in the moment and not disappear like I have done so many times in the past. I was determined to see this moment pass me. Determined to live it, not just let it pass, but live it through to its end no matter how miserable it may turn out. No matter what it was going to happen. For me, for my brother; he couldn't have done it without me; I don't think. I couldn't have done it without him. I wouldn't have. So I sang. He sang. And well. .. both of us- well. It was triumphant. We were cast.
Ensemble. Looking back, it was right. We couldn't carry more than the background of a community theater production, not then. We were satisfied with it. The cast was strong, all but the lead. I could sing it better. But, then again. . . I might have failed then. I wasn't ready. Not even ready to try. Back stage is were the fun is anyway. Nothing but egos when those lights come up. But behind the curtain, in the black light- the green rooms- that's what made it worth it. That's where I met them all. My experiment on my self has begun.
I wanted to take on a fear. I was going to beat it once and for all. But the theater offered me another opportunity as well. I didn't need to be alone anymore. These people were truly special. We were like a family. I had a chance here. A chance to make friendships; friendships that would last. This was a test indeed of myself. I had it all figured out to a point. I would keep auditioning, keep taking roles, no matter what the part, until I could get a leading part. I didn't need to be the star. That wasn't what it was about. I just wanted so sing and be heard. If I could just get a song- a line here and there, and sell it; that was the goal. That would defeat the fear. And in the mean time, with such talented people around me, my goal was now two fold. I could overcome my anxiety of performing as well as my anxieties of. . . well... people.
I was always afraid as a child. I don't know where it came from. I was just always afraid of people. A stranger would look me in the eye and it filled me with fear. So much so that I often hid away and cried. I learned young to avoid these situations, by avoiding their vectors, such as people. I was always alone given the chance. I didn't prefer it. But it was comfortable and I wasn't afraid. And so, no one got in. My family became strangers to me. I lived an isolated life.
I soon learned something about people. Those eyes. They tell all. Maybe that's why I was afraid. Maybe I felt they were seeing my soul, snooping through my secrets (as if I had any as a child). Much like the way I see into a persons heart when I look them in the eyes. I learned this young. And I learned to be accurate. I could read people at an instant. But seeing people so plainly only tends to drive one further inside themselves. Such is my plight. I know too well my own heart. It is a disadvantage at times to see things so clearly. Especially for one so alone. For who is to say that what was so clear to me was accurate? Was I distorted? I did not know. But here in this last year I have found the answer. Yes, the simple act of friendship had eluded me for too long. This could give me balance. This could prove me, one way or another. My mind is a jamble. It always has been. I have known since I was eleven that there was something inside of me that distorted my views on reality. I kept them in check, or so I thought. Yet, I was never wrong. Never. Could I possibly know myself so surely as I had thought I did? This will be the test. I must reference my life against other's so to find a balance. What better way to do so than to create friendships? There is none.
The first show I did was pirates. I have pirates in my bloodline. It's of no help. I was lost on the stage. Awkward. My voice never failed me though. Not then it didn't. But my limbs, my body betrayed me. Stiff as a bored. I forced it to moved where I wanted it to, and when. It fumbled along timidly. But it got there. And I got there. And I stayed there. I was not afraid. Timid yes, but afraid? No.
Friends came easily. Everyone was eager to socialize. Is that normal I wondered? I was content to sit alone in a crowded room just listening to the chatter of everyone else. While others seem unsatisfied until they had exhausted every bit of small talk know to man. Then they moved on to another person or found something of interest in the small talk and a conversation ensued. And some just went strait into conversation from the other side of the room, letting others do the small talk for them. And this I noticed in girls in particular, sometimes there would be no small talk at all. One would just approach another and begin talking. I was lost again. I didn't know how they did it. I knew no small talk of my own, or is it all borrowed? Surely someone had something original to say to start a conversation. But in any case, I hadn't heard it anyway. So I was at a loss. I wasn't anti-social, but I certainly wasn't part of the scene back stage. Hmm... Maybe it takes more time that I had thought. I needed to learn this behavior. It's odd. It's meaningless. But it is necessary.
Slowly. It went slowly when it came to making friends. I think because my motivation was so different from everyone else. It seemed that others just took friendship for granted, and so casually made more friends quicker than some like me. While others seems motivated by primal urges and thus happened into friendships. I could not do so. I was to serious to take friends for granted, and too shy to even approach someone I didn't know as a romantic interest. I was stuck. But what's more, I had a time limit. This show wasn't going to last forever. I may never see some of these people again. The thought sent me in urgency. And even more so when I was discovering that I did have a crush on one of my fellow cast mates. This was problematic. She was beautiful. She was smart, funny, fun to be around. And what's more, she seemed normal. At least what I precieved to be normal. She had it all figured out. She had confidence and strength. Not at all like anyone I had been attracted to in the past. I almost let it be. I almost said nothing. It would have been an easy thing to do since I could think of no words to express myself. I could have walked away then. But that wasn't part of the plan. She was different that was sure. But in what way? I didn't know. It didn't matter. I wanted to ask her out.
I had a new problem. We were in the final week of the show and I still hadn't the words.
Closing night. Many of us had auditioned for another show and were cast. This gave me more time. But I had no need. The decision was made. Yet something has escaped me. What if. .. could I make myself a fool and endure another show in embarrassment? Surely not. I need to find out. . .is she even single? And if by some miracle she is single what makes me think she would even think of me? Or is there another interest? Maybe she doesn't even like me. Oh dear. This was a pickle. But by grace an answer struck me. Sisters are a Godsend. I'll ask her sister. The after party provides a last second opportunity. I wait for the last second. I ask.