surprise I'll reprisal.

Did you really think it was over? Me too. But as I sit in bed alone, away from the warmth of loving arms (and paws,) I ponder, I think, I dwell, and I remember. Remembering sucks. And what brought on this remembering, pondering, dwelling, thinking and sucking, was a late and sleepless night of sifting through pictures and delving back in time without the muted benefits of a prescription fed brain. But admit it; you've missed me. I know I have.

I feel like I've been living some one else's life for so many years. I'd forgotten what the drugs subdue. I'd forgotten about those pesky sads and feels. Yet somehow, by having myself drugged away for a time, I've found peace. Or so I thought. Well yes. The truth is that things have been going well for "me." Or the "me" that I've been playing at. But still. . . It seems tonight as though I have come back from hiatus and dawned that old skin; the one that never healed properly before, but just set aside to be mended later. Well it's later, and I'm still wounded.

Looking back I see then that I was eager for drugs. I was eager for anything that could numb me. My passion for life had been drowned in a series of misplaced trust and confidence. It's no wonder I wanted to kill myself at times. And it's no wonder too that when suicide proved useless, and things like trust and confidence became futile, there was little else to be done but to shed my self and allow whatever remained to be numbed by whatever kept the social wolves away.

I quit writing music. I didn't know how anyway. I couldn't feel it. Lyrics became forced and cliche. Music had no emotion anymore. It was just noise. Noise I didn't want to hear. Music rarely touched my mind.

I couldn't find the time or energy to go exploring, or hiking. My camera became yet another outdated dead piece of technology that sat in a drawer. It had taken all the pictures I cared to see or think about. In fact, I hardly looked at them anymore, as my computer fell into disrepair. I simply didn't care. Or maybe I didn't have the nerve to continue with them. It seemed as though the spirit of the things had died. And now they were near forgotten relics of some one's life I used to live.

I still wanted. I still had desire. I just couldn't define what I was in want of. I tended to my work, and the yard. I never concerned myself with things beyond those unless pressed. I left myself but one good friend and dared not allow any others. I retreated into my mind more than I had since I was a small child. The world beyond my bones did not concern me. Much of me was locked away. The rest was subdued. I have never been more depressed than the times I've been treated with drugs for depression.

But in all that dismal day-to-day, I found a value in staying busy that I had never seen before. I found stability in it. I've never felt stability before. It's different than feeling stable, or being stable. Feeling stability in one's self for the first time is subtle, and takes time to realize the feeling. For this reason it's unlikely that most people wouldn't recognize the feeling, having probably become accustomed to it at a much younger age than I. But when you're an adult experiencing stability of self for the first time, once you have recognized it enough to look back on it and see it, it is a profound emotion; an empowering emotion. Although it may take, yet again, a lengthy time to reveal, the tools you will have moving forward can change a person's life. Maybe yours.

So I've ditched the pills. They served their purpose in their time and now that time has ended. They taught my brain how to live knuckled down without needing to erupt. And that's a skill I don't plan to forget. But now it's time to un-inprison my wrongfully convicted brain and let it do what it always has, unimpeded and with new conviction. It will never find peace and happiness otherwise. Viva la brain! Viva, Love, Music!

Viva! Hillbilly Flyer

we come to an End.

if i'm being honest the time is well past this story's ending. i never seem to know how to exit. the friends i've made have mostly all gone now. i move in different circles than when i began, nearly seven years ago. to continue writing on this blog, the greatest years of my life, seems dishonest now, since my life is so radically changed.
have they been the greatest years? in some ways, yes. but in many, the answer is an unsurprising no.
i originally titled this blog as the worst year of my life, having began it nearly a year after the events in the first post. but when the mood of it all seemed to carry on into my daily life i continued writing, and eventually changed the title to the current The Greatest Years of My Life, a somewhat pessimistic and intentionally ironic theme under which i continued to pen.
although being intentionally ironic concerning the many woes of which i'd write, i was not at all ignorant to the fact that, though the times were tough, i was undoubtedly better off for enduring them, as my character was being unavoidably defined through these years. thus, the wisdom of the title has continued to inspire me to see beyond whatever my circumstances might have been as i have maintained this biographical irony; although, that fact is probably not well represented to the reader.
I do maintain that the years herein documented have produced some of my most critical moments in life, where the development of my character is concerned, as well as some of my most cherished. But as i stated above, there is such a distance between my life today and that of years past, that i feel it is best to end this chapter and begin another.
I cannot speak to the truth of this blog, only that it is true from my perspective. I wouldn't apologize for anything written here that hasn't already been addressed herein for the reason stated previously, that it is true to me, as well as being completely honest at the time it was written. Some may take issue with that, or other things left unresolved, that is their right, and i won't blame them. I too take issue with much of what I've written. I have never been one to accept what is left unresolved and move on from it unchanged. But as it seems to be an impossibility to close the book permanently on select events in one's life, i have little recourse but to move on from those things left unfinished and suffer them as dignified as i can, in relative silence.
I will never have accomplished the things i set out to do and didn't. Obviously there is nothing to be done for those things already done or not done. All i can do is look forward. And if the universe is kind enough to present to me a second chance at opportunities once passed, it will not be because of second chances at all; rather, the time for those things had, in reality never come at all, but will be presented then for the first time. Life is always ready on time. It's never late, or passed up. It never comes early for some more fortunate than ourselves. Things happen when they do. There is little use in energy spent assuming we are somehow not where we are meant to be. I am in life, at the point i am, not because i put myself here; but because it is my place in the cosmos, and no one else's.
It can be challenging to realize at times, but everything really is just as it's meant to be.
Of course I am human, and being so, i am not without regret. But those things are either plainly represented in this blog, or will continue to challenge me.
I will of course continue to write. I couldn't stop if i wanted to. However, it is time to acknowledge that the ironic "greatest years of my life" are indeed over, and perhaps have lapsed over into a not-so-ironic new chapter of life.
It would be too presumptuous to claim the coming years as anything greater than a new adventure and chapter of life. But i do look forward to what lies ahead with anticipation that mirrors those moments of peace that have been so rare before. I no longer fear what lies ahead because of what i leave behind. I fear what lies ahead because it is unknown to me. It is a strange and unfamiliar feeling to look forward in life rather than over my shoulder. My anxiety is no longer fueled by thoughts of what i might be leaving behind as i press forward, but instead i am anxious to shed my yesterdays and see tomorrow, although i feel wholly unprepared for its coming.
Thank you for reading, and for your comments. I hope you will follow me as i step forward in the journey of life and consciousness. I hope i will remain honest in my writing and continue to share with the world my one perspective out of the billions of others out there.
My new blog "An Overactive Universe" will begin soon. Until then, thanks for reading, and farewell.