a slight change of pace

I know I go on about all sorts of sad things all the time on this blog- it's just that those are the things I need to express; but I wouldn't want people to think that that is all I see in the world, and my life. And so, for those of you who get bogged down by my stories- I apologize- and submit to you the following. Let me start off by acknowledging the many good people I have been blessed to know/have known. For the friends I have now, who have stood by me I am eternally grateful. (you know who you are- i hope) But not everyone is destined to follow along the same paths. Some people are only there for a time, and then move on toward their own destiny. This doesn't lessen their visit at all- in fact, it makes it all the more precious. My personality is such that most people I have met in my life only stayed in it for a short while. I've met thousands upon thousands of people I'm sure, and I remember so many faces, and so many moments that will never be remembered outright in writing or stories. And everyone of them has contributed to my life, offering lessons to be learned and taught. We as humans have a fascination with misery though, and often times it's the good stories that get left out of the memoir, replaced by the bad. I believe this is because we are more strictly motivated by the awful to effect change, than we often are by those heartwarming stories of love and kindness. I made the statement a few days ago to a friend, that I don't really want to be happy, because happy people rarely change anything in the world. (that's a backwards way of thinking I know- and I've only just recently had it presented so bluntly) I won't defend that position, because I know it must be flawed. Nonetheless, the things that upset me are the ones that give me words to speak and songs to write. And it's in those dark places I take my mind that I look out upon the good and am able to find meaning in it. Otherwise I have a terrible problem of letting it all just slip by with out smelling the roses. I realize that not everyone is this way- and i realize i'm a little backwards in the head- but, that is who I am. What I find absolutely fascinating is the effect that my outlook on life at any given moment can have on so many people; good and bad. Remember this: when a sad moment comes upon us, it can be preserved for eternity by words written- but because those words are the only ones written, it does not mean that eternity has been sad. When a moment of joy strikes me, I do not waste it by focusing on writing it down. It's in moments of joy and happiness that the books are closed and put away, because we are too busy enjoying life. So for those of you who read this blog, and wonder about my state of being, you needn't worry. My life isn't lived in these words, these are just some of the ones i'd like to leave behind, that don't always have a place in other works. My point for creating anything is to get its audience to see it with different eyes than their own. That is the essence of art.

6:44 am

I can't sleep. I mean I can, up until the point of closing my eyes, then my mind reminds me of all the reasons I can't sleep. Truth be told I'd rather sleep than be awake with it all. When I'm awake I find ways to take my mind off those things, but I'd really rather stay there- asleep. There I don't remember that I'm walking in a memory, I just am. It's when I awake and feel the weight of the air in my lungs that I remember, this is the real one. I don't always wake up expecting something that's not there, but when I do it feels like something has died inside me, leaving me ill at the thought. I usually sleep the feeling away for just a few more hours. Have you ever had a dream that was so entrancing that you felt utter disappointment when you awoke to find it wasn't real, and so you force yourself back to sleep to try and re-imagine it again, hoping to have that experience for just a little longer? It almost never works. But I wake up every morning, for weeks now, from my dreams and feel that utter disappointment. I fall back to sleep not to re-imagine those things, but really rather to escape the thought of them for just a while longer; to let my body settle itself without my having to be a part of the discomfort. But instead of being whisked away by some lighthearted fantasy, or a random over-dramatic, slightly bizarre parallel universe, I get knocked back into that reality my mind would prefer. I would too, were it not for the fact that I must eventually wake from it. It's like waking up one morning with a gut wrenching feeling inside that tells you the day you just lived before never happened, and it reminds you of what seems to be days ago and says that was yesterday. And that day seems very much like this day. Whatever it was in between was not really your life at all, but merely the product of an over active imagination that has been suppressed thoroughly throughout the day into the places of the subconscious reserved for child-like beliefs and memories that are never to be recalled intentionally again. It's that same place we keep all those things we thought we've forgotten about until the memories are recalled for a moment by small details or phantom scents in the air. Some times it's just a shade of color that sparks those details of my memory that I would rather not recall for the time being. I can't think of a color that doesn't take me back to that other place, the life that's not mine. It's a strange thing to pass by a shop with money in your pocket, and think, "there's something I was going to purchase." But when you remember what it was, the reasons for buying it no longer apply. That paper in your pocket gets heavy after that. It's funny how an awareness of the thing you've been carrying all along tends to change the gift into burden. I sleep better in the day. I sleep deeper. It makes it harder wake up.

Imaginary you.

Monday December 05, 2011, 4:01 am - 4:46 am

I don't mind acknowledging that I have issues; and I don't expect everyone to understand or accept them. I mean, everyone has issues right, if mine affect you in a negative way, then that's up to you how you deal with that. I gave up along time ago believing that there will be people out there who I can relate to in depth. Sure, there are aspects of everyone's life that are common, and easily relatable. And I'm sure there are some unlucky people who have lived similar lives to my own. I just haven't met any. Everyone is unique, and it's not their experiences that make them so. Experiences are common and often repeat; but like a shuffled deck of cards, you will rarely see the same deck twice; and life has more than 52 cards. So for every ace you see, there is also a choice made of how to play it: as a 1 or as an Ace. Neither is negative. It depends on the hand you're dealt. But for every Ace that works out, there are dozens more that fail. Life is built in runs. You have to play the odds. Assuming you've got a grasp on the game and know the number of cards in your deck. After all, you can only play your hand, and not all the cards are available to all the players; if they were, all our aces would fail. I play a lot of cards (if you hadn't guessed) and one lesson that took me a while to learn is not to hold out for the best hand. Some one else's luck may be closer in line than yours is, and you may well go bust believing you were entitled to what they now have; and now that you've risked and lost everything on that sure thing, you no longer have a seat at the table, and all the luck in the world won't make a bit of difference. On that humble road back to the ATM, you might do yourself the favor to remember that risk is part of the game, while absolutes are not. You may even build up the courage to play a few hands that aren't as strong as Aces, but are easier to get away from, and not commit yourself to. It's usually that less than sure thing that works out to be the most productive. I've always held out for the "sure" things in life, never risking much on those things I couldn't project the prospects of. There's no better way to squander your time than by planning it; And there's no worse way to lose what you have than while taking it for granted.