(added dec 01, 2008 - after published)
And so I’ve come to it. She came to me at a time of isolation; a time when I had given up nearly completely. But not completely. That was just weeks before. I had given up, but it was short lived. What would be the point? And so I found myself back in the same state as I have always been. Alone. Without means to execute my goals, without means to do much of anything. Yet, though I was the same as before, I did have one new devotion to give me hope. I was determined to be more… respectable. And that’s when I found her. Again? I thought to myself. I want no one at this point. Just let me work and save so I can go to school and put this all behind me. This is what I wanted. This is what I needed. And yet there she was, boring her way into my essence. I could not escape her. And so with little cunning, and great desire, we introduced each other over a game.
I had a number now. Like something of a prescription, a prescription for the pain I have longed for so long to ease. But like any drug it runs a risk of dependence. I can see why people get lost in something like a drug. I had no addiction yet, but I wanted one. The risk of all the pain of it (love) wasn’t enough to out weigh the possible cure for my affliction. So I called it, that number; that prescription I had so longed to have filled, in hopes the it would fill a void in me. And for a time it did.
Time moves too quickly. Can not a man ever feel safe from its grasp? I beg it. I plead it. ‘Time please let me be. Forget about me and leave me in this moment forever. No one need know that you have missed one so insignificant as me. I could tell no one of it. They would only go on with you into the unknown, as I am left behind. Let it be so. It would only take an instant to satisfy for a lifetime. Or is it possible at all? Could I be unworthy of such a gift? Is it possible that another has been granted what I have asked? Were they better than I am? Or was I simply too late in asking?’
And so I’ve come to it. She came to me at a time of isolation; a time when I had given up nearly completely. But not completely. That was just weeks before. I had given up, but it was short lived. What would be the point? And so I found myself back in the same state as I have always been. Alone. Without means to execute my goals, without means to do much of anything. Yet, though I was the same as before, I did have one new devotion to give me hope. I was determined to be more… respectable. And that’s when I found her. Again? I thought to myself. I want no one at this point. Just let me work and save so I can go to school and put this all behind me. This is what I wanted. This is what I needed. And yet there she was, boring her way into my essence. I could not escape her. And so with little cunning, and great desire, we introduced each other over a game.
I had a number now. Like something of a prescription, a prescription for the pain I have longed for so long to ease. But like any drug it runs a risk of dependence. I can see why people get lost in something like a drug. I had no addiction yet, but I wanted one. The risk of all the pain of it (love) wasn’t enough to out weigh the possible cure for my affliction. So I called it, that number; that prescription I had so longed to have filled, in hopes the it would fill a void in me. And for a time it did.
Time moves too quickly. Can not a man ever feel safe from its grasp? I beg it. I plead it. ‘Time please let me be. Forget about me and leave me in this moment forever. No one need know that you have missed one so insignificant as me. I could tell no one of it. They would only go on with you into the unknown, as I am left behind. Let it be so. It would only take an instant to satisfy for a lifetime. Or is it possible at all? Could I be unworthy of such a gift? Is it possible that another has been granted what I have asked? Were they better than I am? Or was I simply too late in asking?’
I was bored, at work and I was bored as usual. The pool hall was empty as usual, and there were few regulars to play with. I was burned out on the game for the day anyway. I stood behind the counter looking out the large front windows, waiting for something to come along. And then, like out of a dream, I saw her. She wore a green hooded sweatshirt. Green has always been my favorite color. It was an overcast day which only made the colors more vivid. She had dark hair and glasses. I watched as she rode by on a red bicycle, and said to myself "I want a girl like that- she’s perfect." As she passed by, all I could do was hope she might stop and come in. I say hope, but really I was dreaming. A girl like that had no business where I was to be found. I wished I was someone else; someone who she might encounter. I wished as she continued out of site. She continued across the intersection and disappeared behind the building adjacent to the pool hall. And just like that. . . She was gone. It was only a moment, but it seemed like more. I looked for a bit longer, but she was gone. I settled on the thought, then began to go about myself as I had before. But as I began to do so my breath was taken away from me as I saw her coming back around the corner. Again, my mind was taken from the dismal to the fantastic. Yet, again I watched her pass by, this time in a different direction, but still not in mine. I sighed, and thought to my self, “if I had a girl like that, how happy I would be.” I let her go again from my mind and continued on with my work. After a few moments I was stunned again. But this time she was here, standing in front of me. I couldn’t believe it. I, no doubt, in my disbelieving state stumbled over my words. She was stunning. For, I was stunned. She played alone. I thought to myself as I watched her (trying hard not to be too obvious about it), surely she is waiting for someone. But as the time passed I noticed something. She glanced at me, several times. Could it be possible? It seemed like she was waiting for me. A predicament. I find myself a coward for such things. I found excuses, I have plenty of them. But none were good enough. And just when I was wondering to myself how I might approach her, she approached me. Fate will prove, be it a lucky thing for me or not. I thought it a lucky thing for a while. Now. . .? Now I do not know. But I do know she made me happy for a while. And I needed to be happy. But happiness proved short lived. Soon treachery would tare its way into my life, turning all hope inside out. Despair set in. Should I tell the details? I wonder. Does it matter now what “friends” stabbed me in the back then? Does it matter what lies have been told about me? Does it matter, the opinions of fools and thieves; the opinions of liars and cheaters, rouges and misfits? Does it matter now, that a home was turned against me? That those who should have known, did not? That those who should have trusted believed the lies? Does it matter now, that a reputation of respect and understanding, kindness and truth, was repaid with lies and deceit; malicious behavior without regard, that defies understanding? Does any of that matter now? NO! But it does linger on doesn’t it? I had sought refuge in that place I had run to so many times in the past, only to have it overrun by thoughtlessness and inconsiderate behavior. It seemed all was taken from me. My home, my friends, my love. . .all had turned me out, save it were a few. But I found no comfort in them. The summer was the end of me. I no longer had anything to hold on to. Finally I was free. I just needed a destination. I decided to leave it all behind. I decided to give up on everything. I felt if I was to be lost and alone, that I would be lost to the world and go it alone. I took time. As much time as I could. But the feeling never left me. I was indeed done.
