I began to write this post in a heated stroke of emotion. Blogger however decided to crash and not save the draft. I was furious. But it gave me time. I take for granted the healing power of the passage of time. Just a few moments can be enough to hear that kind word from a friend, or the good news you've been waiting for. Along the lines of the previous, yet lost post, I feel blessed to say again how lucky I have been in life. It's true I usually don't maintain the most positive perspective of life. I justify my pessimism by being practical, or sensible in the way I think. I justify my behavior with feelings and practical thinking rather than positive truths presented by others. I am in the world alone for this reason most of the time. It works when I don't mind being alone. But lately I mind it. I mind it a lot actually. I've lived too long thinking I can take it or leave it. I can be a rock on my own. Trouble is, I've let some one in my life. That doesn't jive with that old thinking. I need her. I miss her. And I never mind her presence. It took me too long to find out that I need her.
I've rarely stopped in life to acknowledge publicly how lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do. Even when they go. Most of my family are constant examples to me of the beauty of life and the human experience, an experience that I rarely identify with. My extended family shows me each day what it means to love, not for motive, but just for the sake of love.
My friends have mostly come and gone. With them I have seen the ugliest betrayals, selfish desires, as well as tenderness, loyalty, honesty, and most of all trust. Unfortunately there are times when these lessons and examples get confused in my mind and effect the reality that I see. I make mistakes constantly. I've made many lately.
I have been honored to know and love some one for nearly a year now. Yes she's still here. It amazes me every day. Maybe I'm just self destructive, but I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Whatever the case, whatever may come I want her to know that I am infinitely stronger, better, and incredibly lucky to have her in my life. Sarah, I love you. I can't express that well enough in writing, but hopefully I can learn to show it more in action.
Among those mentioned above I should also acknowledge a few people I've worked with over the last few years. There are few strangers you will meet in life who will take a chance on you, and even mentor you through life. To those at the shop I say thank you. You've done more for me than you know, and have given my mad mind a place to escape the world.
I also must single out the Grooms family. You gave to me a love of theater that will possess a part of me forever. My time on the stage may well be over, but I will forever benefit from the growth I endured, mentally, emotionally, socially, professionally, and spiritually in those months. You have played a pivotal roll in my life for good.
Among the named, I feel I must... She who will remain nameless. You taught me all these lessons. I owe you my gratitude for that, but owe you no debt, nor the kindness of naming you.
As I reach the end of this reflective post, I feel utterly unfinished. I am lucky. I've known many good people, and very few who would cause me harm. I guess the point of all this is to say that these are the people that have made me what I am today. At first glance that may not impress much satisfaction on your mind. But consider this: I who struggle with depression, anxiety, and a variety of other emotional and mental afflictions, am still here. I am for the most part good, happy, and at peace. (Not to say I don't have my down days, and I've yet to figure out how to make this life work for me.) But I'm still here. And in the memory of so many lost kindred souls who have made that last final decision, I thank you all for my life. You have each literally saved it.
