Things forgotten

The bravest thing I've ever done was try to kill myself. You'd be amazed how much constitution it requires to attempt such a thing. It was also the most painful experience of my life. The emotional toll of doing something like that, and putting my best friend through it as well outweighs anything I've ever endured physically. Freedom is never easy, and requires bravery. I was desperately seeking freedom when I wanted to die. Ironically, surviving the urge for death gave me a freedom I hadn't previously considered: apathy. I only held on to the one good thing I could believe in at the time, my friend. After a while that gave room for others in my life, but only just. The truth is I've cared for very little since that night, partially I'm sure because I've been on various medications, but mostly due to the realization of how insignificant we really are as individuals. While it's true that one soul can change the world, unless you are that one soul you really are just a part of a statistic. My moment of frustration turned my own identity upside-down. Before I was anonymous, a single face with a unique perspective and unimaginable prospects. Then I became an individual. I became the patient to an E.R. Doctor, the attempted suicide to the paramedics and police, and the burden to a friend. I became a statistic that night. In a way, I entered the world. My young and quiet heart, with all it's passion and fire died that night. I wanted to be condemned. I wanted answers that could not be answered. I wanted to shed my life and be forgotten. I wanted what I already had, to be anonymous. It's funny how we think shouting at the world will somehow turn its attention elsewhere. It took no small effort to decide to go before God on my own terms and demand answers to the small problems of my life. It's no wonder that all the passions which drove me into such selfishness has been stripped away from me. I used to see beauty in the contrast of pain.