Things I wanted to do in life were... school. Ironic. FBI investigator, after a long career in the military, army rangers. I also wanted to be a Texas ranger or move to the Australian outback. Later in life I started wanting to be a writer and an actor, or musician. Lately I am getting into the idea of broadcasting but I am very discouraged because everything takes so much crappy college to get a job for and I just don't see how I could get a job in that industry. But I am going to go ahead with my podcasting anyway and just do it. Maybe I'll get discovered after a while and who knows.... I still like doing the framing stuff, but the prospects of that being any kind of meaningful or fulfilling career seem to be gone. Which sucks because I have built this shop in the basement for woodworking and stuff but now have no desire to go down there. Maybe some of that will change when the weather gets warmer and I don't feel so crappy all the time. But somethings got to give. I am broke and have no prospects of employment at the time. I can't imagine what full-time job might exist out there that I can actually do- and its hard enough to find a part time job that will even call me for an interview- outside of fast-food- but I don't apply to those places because I've gone through all that before. They simply aren't looking for 37 yr old men who don't want to be managers or assistant managers.... and why would anybody want that? They pay dick and the hours suck and there is zero room for an expanding mind. I'd wash out in a matter of weeks, if that. I'm not above the work. But I am above the bullshit. A job needs to be less stressful than not having one. That's the code I apply. Today I am writing I guess. This stupid free association crap. And it is crap.
So far in y life I've been able to act on stage, perform music at an open mic, write and record my own music and songs, and reach people across the globe with my blog... the army turned me down I think six different times. College was a bust. FBI simply isn't going to happen, ever. And it's all very depressing on a daily basis. I'm kinda surprised I keep my head above water as much as I do. That said, I haven't always. There was that one time I tried to kill myself. But I will never go back there. The self pity and pettiness simple is beneath me. I'd fulfill my oldest and dearest dream of being a hobo before I let myself wallow in that kind of stupidity again. But it is getting really hard not having a career to identify with as my place in this modern world- a place I have chosen to really try to stay in- mainly because I have people I love who I just won't abandon. I think God set this all up and has kept me from doing that anyway. Every time I felt I was prepared, mentally, and in terms of supplies, to hit the road and live out my dream- something came up. A girl, a job, my mom buying this house. Big things that presented opportunities that I couldn't ignore- even if they kept me further committed to a way of life that I just don't get, haven't been prepared for, and feel wholly inadequately educated or provisioned. Nonetheless, here I am- wonderful wife, little dog, our own space, and time enough to finally figure something out if I can just keep my head a little higher, for a little longer each day. I don't deserve any of this. I can only assume that these blessings of fate and good fortune are for some grater purpose, and what ever I figure out to do, will be the means by which it comes to fruition.
Idk if it's a memoir or a book or a podcast, or something else. I can't explain my newfound interest with politics, or broadcasting or any of it. All I know is that my mind goes from one mode to another and I just follow it because its interesting. Maybe I'm just wasting my time. Maybe I'm just putting in the hours toward something final. I don't know. What I do know is that the deeper I get into these things the more I come up against more finely tuned and prepared minds- more so than I've ever experienced in my life. I'm quite used to people either not understanding my points and ignoring it, or thinking I was smarter than I was and not having the courage to challenge me. But now I seem to get challenged on everything everywhere, and I'm finding myself ill prepared at times to back up some of my more abstract ideas- it's like an exam. I've been absorbing so much for so long, without having ever put it out anywhere, or organizing it in any way, and now I am expected to have a formal thesis and foot notes on every little thing. It's great in a way, because I enjoy having my ideas challenged, and having to work them all out. Its also terrifying because the world today seems to have no tolerance for mistakes or malformed ideas of the unlearned. And I am about the most unlearned person out here. I never went to high school. Never went to junior high. Didn't finish the fifth grade. In fact I can only remember for sure that I finished out kindergarten in the same class that I started, and maybe the 3rd grade. Idk if I finished out the 1st or second year- I'm sure I did, but probably not in the same schools. And the 4th grade I know I started in one school and finished in another. We seemed to move every summer back then. And by the time I started the fifth grade, we were moving again. I guess my parents finally just gave up pretending to care about school and that point, because I never saw the inside of another school building until I was 22 and trying to get my GED so I could go to a college.
I could have been so many other things than just a forgettable blip or stat with the way I was brought up. I think my faith and heart saved me from making all the mistakes that a typical teen would have made. Beside that I was always anti-social, and was often fine with just being alone and hearing the birds chirp or the wind blow. If I were a people person, or really had all the social training to think that I was supposed to be one, I might have taken a darker path at times. But as fate would have it, my faith in God, and my general sense of pure life always showed me plainly when a bad decision was in my path. I ran from them. Of course that instinct to run away from confrontation or conflict went a little too far at times. I've quit more jobs than I can remember because of anxiety, or simple embarrassment. I never handled those things well. I was never taught how. Not until I was in my twenties, suicidal, and under the pressure of the world to be normal or productive member of society. I had no idea that I had learning disabilities until I was probably 27. I remember learning what dyslexia was from Jay Leno on the Tonight Show and realizing that was probably why I struggled to read or do math. Numbers and letters floating around on the page was one thing- I knew I had that in common with my father- but I didn't know it was a thing. I didn't know it was connected to that other thing that made me read a sentence ten times over again before I realized that I am reading the words out of order. I didn't know why my letters sometimes came out wrong. Not until I was 27.
I didn't know anything about autism either. I'd never heard of Asperger. ADD and ADHD was something that those “crazy” kids had that was probably a made up thing to make bad parents feel better, and sedate their children. When I was in therapy for my anxiety my therapist suggested Asperger might fit the bill. It was outside of his arena and I don't fault him for not making a better case at the time- but at the time I didn't see the value in pursuing that sort of inquiry. The whole thing scared me a bit. I still had hopes of getting in the military and all I knew of Asperger was that it was a form of autism, and I was not autistic- those people were handicapped. I had known a few people with Asperger and they could barely function. They didn't speak well, they weren't' smart. They lived on welfare, made poor life decisions and generally just seemed less capable than me. All I had was anxiety. Sure, my anxiety made me curl up in a ball and shake or cry.... it made me put my hands up to my face and lose composure... it made me lose the ability to control my arms and body as they begin to sway, with slight tremors- not unlike a Parkinson patient- and ultimately leaves me sitting on the floor with my knees tightly up to my chest because my stomach aches as I fight a nearly overwhelming urge to stab it. But that was just anxiety to me. I was always like that. I've had it since I was a boy. But my therapist only knew what I told him. And at the time I couldn't bare the embarrassment of telling anyone what I was going through on a daily basis. In my mind it seemed like there was me, and then this other thing that pushed me out and shut my mind and body down. It was terrifying and I thought I was crazy. I just knew that the anxiety was the source, and the better I could learn to fight the anxiety or stop it from snowballing the better chance I had of actually being me for a day.
Truth be told, I don't know how much more I can take in life without a break. And I don't know how to go forward from here without just dodging around it like I always have, reducing stress and limiting social expectations... but I have ambitions. I want to do more than simply exist or survive. I want to engage. I want to challenge and be challenged. I want to be free of this tether that binds me. I just don't know how that's going to happen.
(my apologies if this is harder to read than usual, but i am not going to make a habit of editing or censoring these journal entries. Thanks for reading.)
