Remember

How will i be remembered, and by who? I've been in love more times than i care to count. Which of them, i wonder, even think of me? I have a selective memory. But i don't get to choose the images. I'm still in love. I never knew there could be so many corridors in the heart to lose a part of myself in. If i could walk through them at a strolling pace, would those images i find there be true to reality now? I loved a girl once. But did i ever love her at all? Maybe i only loved a phase a girl was going through when i knew her. Maybe i never knew her. In which case, there is a long vacant corridor in my heart with an imaginary name etched above its entry. Maybe imaginary, but no less powerful. A name that refers to no one real has no less meaning than one's own name, provided the owner of the named is familiar with the address. Likewise, my imaginary love would mean no less to me had she never existed. For she may not have lived beyond the confines of my own mind and heart. Indeed, she may now and only, exist in that memory of my heart's imagination. If i am to be remembered at all, what might i be in the heart of another's imagination? The lost? The missed? The failed? I think i'd rather stay forgotten. I'd rather be forgotten alltogether, than be remembered wrong. I wish i could offer the same in turn. But i have a selective memory, of which i have no say in remembering.

What it is.

I can sit for hours just thinking about what to do next. But it's only when I finally decide to focus my scatter brain on something that the creaking above me begins, or the phone rings, or the terrorists to peace of mind begin to strike. It's not perspective. As Ashton would say, it's just "what it is." I get that now. All this time I had no idea the level of apathy he must have been wrestling with until recently. I wake up every day with that expression in one way or another. My particular brand is of the 'ugh' variety. How are you? Ugh. What's new? Ugh. What do you want? Ugh. I suppose if I wanted anything specifically the 'ugh.' might turn into an ugh! But probably not. I seem to have misused all my exclamations on the burned out expectations of yester-years. And though now when asked, I can only muster that three letter abortion of a thought expressed as ugh, there is still inside me a muted voice shouting so hard that my eyes would tear up if not for the dismissing philosophy of 'what it is.' If I had an answer to the question it has long been forgotten. Ugh doesn't require thinking about it. It really is about the most polite way of telling somebody to fuck off. How are you? Ugh. What's new? Ugh. What do you want? Fuck off! That's what i really want I suppose, for the rest of the world to just ugh! Sometimes I wish I could go back to being that guy who wore his heart on his sleeve and got used to it being mangled on a regular basis. At least then I could cry over something and know that I feel sadness. Now I just expect people to let me down and justify my lack of feeling sadness with ugh. What it is. I'm either on my way to being a very cold individual, or on my way to a total meltdown. I can't really tell at this point in time. What is can tell though, is every tear that has never fallen from my eyes, will eventually come pouring out. And there will be no amount of ugh that will dismiss it. We all crack eventually. What it is becomes 'what is it?' as we finally face the ugh life has handed us.

Heavy on my mind

I don't know what to write. I've thought for a long time that it was because I had run out of things to say, things that inspired me, or that I cared about. But that's not the case. The truth is that there is so much to say that I am buried beneath it all. I don't know where to begin. The thing that is on the forefront of my thoughts is beyond explanation. I don't know how to write it. I can't speak of it. I can hardly begin to touch the thought before I am overwhelmed, and then its gone, buried somewhere I've forgotten how to access. The sad thing about it all is that if I knew what do do about it, how to make it better, I'm not sure I would. The locked away thing has become a part of me. One so heavy I dare not try to cast it away, lest I leave myself more broken by the exertion of the act than I am by bearing it longer. Thus the dilemma. The longer I bear it, the more broken I shall be over time.

A-typical day in my life.

I usually awake because I can't breath, but today I had an extra incentive. Today is trash day. Trash day is usually not a big concern for me as it was today. However, unlike the usually Tuesday morning, this morning the bin is mostly full, as well as still at the side of the house instead o at the curb. I typically drag the bin to the curb the night before so I don't have to worry if the trash man comes earlier than his usual afternoonish rounds. Sometime he doesn't come until well into the evening when the winds pick up, making the bin vulnerable to strong gust that can easily knock it on its side. The bin today is mostly full because only yesterday I cleaned my room; and as with every time I clean my room there is an unnatural amount of junk to be thrown away. The sooner the trash man comes the better. I've already pulled one thing out of the recycling. If it sits there too much longer I just know there will be something I'll need from the trash as well. After I took the trash bin to the roadside, I made some coffee. Coffee is essential in my life. Its about the only thing that gets anything done. If I haven't got large amounts of caffeine and sugar in my bloodstream the days will simply pass by, (without my evening being aware sometimes.) That's the sad truth of the matter. Thus coffee is essential. The caffeine also helps with my nose. As you'll remember, not being able to breath was my primary reason for waling this morning. Caffeine helps keep my sinuses in check, and oxygen in my blood. Coffee is ready! By this time its well into the late morning, usually around ten o'clock. I may have gotten dressed for the day while wondering around all morning in a fog, or I may simply have a robe or blanket on. Today I have on pants because I had to take the trash to the curb. This is when my day usually begins in my memory. If I have to go out, say to work or something, I usually remember to brush my teeth and maybe fix my hair. If I'm not going out strait away I often forget these things entirely.
If the fishes get fed it is usually by mere chance that I remember or notice them swarming as I walk by the tank. If I get fed its usually only because I've fainted sometime during the morning which caused me to remember to eat. If heading to work I'll grab a few snacks, fruits, whatever is handy, and head out the door with coffee, water bottle, snacks, and often shoes in hand. These can all be sorted on the way. If I end up at work on the other end of the drive seems to be only about a fifty-5 percent chance or so. Often times I find the weather far too nice and get distracted by the freedom of the drive and end up in a park or just driving through town. This kind of distraction doesn't make up the full 45% or reasons I don't reach my destination. It is in fact only a small bit of it. The majority of the % belongs to anxiety and the stomach churning sickness that comes with it.
Assuming I've made it out the door at all, my day will typically find me at home in the late afternoon. This is the time I use to sort out a variety of DIY projects at home, as well as some personal interests. Keeping up with the lawn is a favorite pastime of mine, as well as organizing the shed. I may do some house cleaning if I feel particularly inspired, but usually its DIY. Often times the rest of the day is a blur that includes mom coming home, playing my Simpsons game, and sometimes other people. I don't generally remember much after about four pm as nothing of real consequence tends to happen til I awake the following day. But I'm assuming in those hours I eat something, sometimes I must bath, and if I remember, I water the lawn. Beyond that I rarely have a reckoning.
Thus you have a typical day in my life.

March 18 2014 to my friends and family

I began to write this post in a heated stroke of emotion. Blogger however decided to crash and not save the draft. I was furious. But it gave me time. I take for granted the healing power of the passage of time. Just a few moments can be enough to hear that kind word from a friend, or the good news you've been waiting for. Along the lines of the previous, yet lost post, I feel blessed to say again how lucky I have been in life. It's true I usually don't maintain the most positive perspective of life. I justify my pessimism by being practical, or sensible in the way I think. I justify my behavior with feelings and practical thinking rather than positive truths presented by others. I am in the world alone for this reason most of the time. It works when I don't mind being alone. But lately I mind it. I mind it a lot actually. I've lived too long thinking I can take it or leave it. I can be a rock on my own. Trouble is, I've let some one in my life. That doesn't jive with that old thinking. I need her. I miss her. And I never mind her presence. It took me too long to find out that I need her.

I've rarely stopped in life to acknowledge publicly how lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do. Even when they go. Most of my family are constant examples to me of the beauty of life and the human experience, an experience that I rarely identify with. My extended family shows me each day what it means to love, not for motive, but just for the sake of love.

My friends have mostly come and gone. With them I have seen the ugliest betrayals, selfish desires, as well as tenderness, loyalty, honesty, and most of all trust. Unfortunately there are times when these lessons and examples get confused in my mind and effect the reality that I see. I make mistakes constantly. I've made many lately.

I have been honored to know and love some one for nearly a year now. Yes she's still here. It amazes me every day. Maybe I'm just self destructive, but I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Whatever the case, whatever may come I want her to know that I am infinitely stronger, better, and incredibly lucky to have her in my life. Sarah, I love you. I can't express that well enough in writing, but hopefully I can learn to show it more in action.

Among those mentioned above I should also acknowledge a few people I've worked with over the last few years. There are few strangers you will meet in life who will take a chance on you, and even mentor you through life. To those at the shop I say thank you. You've done more for me than you know, and have given my mad mind a place to escape the world.

I also must single out the Grooms family. You gave to me a love of theater that will possess a part of me forever. My time on the stage may well be over, but I will forever benefit from the growth I endured, mentally, emotionally, socially, professionally, and spiritually in those months. You have played a pivotal roll in my life for good.

Among the named, I feel I must... She who will remain nameless. You taught me all these lessons. I owe you my gratitude for that, but owe you no debt, nor the kindness of naming you.

As I reach the end of this reflective post, I feel utterly unfinished. I am lucky. I've known many good people, and very few who would cause me harm. I guess the point of all this is to say that these are the people that have made me what I am today. At first glance that may not impress much satisfaction on your mind. But consider this: I who struggle with depression, anxiety, and a variety of other emotional and mental afflictions, am still here. I am for the most part good, happy, and at peace. (Not to say I don't have my down days, and I've yet to figure out how to make this life work for me.) But I'm still here. And in the memory of so many lost kindred souls who have made that last final decision, I thank you all for my life. You have each literally saved it.