Courage to fail

Being 42 years old and having not successfully built anything for myself messes with my head. I have to remind myself daily that this isn't a race, I'm not defined by what I don't have, and you can't take this life with you when you die anyway.

I have plenty of excuses. A late in life diagnosis of asbergers, I was taken out of school at the 4th grade, I am an extreme introvert & all else you can infer from those conditions; add in a disfunctional family environment too.

I used to excuse myself as being ten years behind in general. At 30 I'd see 20 yr olds so far ahead... at 40 I see 30 yr olds now where I thought I would be today. But that's the trap- and it doesn't matter the age.

I have my own personal weaknesses. They have theirs. In the end we all die and leave it all behind.

I used to be mentally unstable. I spent my 20s sorting that out. To the world I was wasting a decade of my prime. In reality I was securing myself a future. My 30s I spent thinking and just trying to be a good human. Again, to the world, I was wasting my time; lazy and unmotivated.

I met my wife in those years. Amazingly she sticks with me. So maybe I was building something. Maybe when we are focused on ourselves the last thing we build is ourselves.

At the end of my 20s I killed myself- the end of a decade of sorting myself out ended in a suicide. Maybe there's a lesson in that.

At 32 I have myself over to just being. I spent a lot of time outside, taking care of my mother's yard, trying to be available to others. I gave up completely on building anything of my own. Then I met my wife.

10 years later I have a life I never expected; a wife, a house, 2 little dogs. I didn't buildt it. It was given me. What I did was stop racing with the world and made myself available to it. I would have none of it today if I didn't learn thay one lesson in life and literally kill that version of myself.

I don't recommend suicide but I do understand how people get there. Still today I could compare my life to my generational peers and feel completely useless. But I'd have to discount everything my life is, all the good. That's exactly what I did when I killed myself before. It's a trap that anyone can fall in to.

Life isn't about what we don't have; it isn't even about what we do. Life is about building the kingdom of god. That's not a religious point, it's a point of fact. Whatever you are putting your energy into will be a god over you; your career, your family, your peers, your causes will all rule over you with supernatural powers.

Build the kingdom of God. In otherwords: be good. When you do you make yourself available to the good that will come your way.

I'm not there yet. I still have all those issues in this world; I still have a lot to catch up on. But being available to the future means not getting bogged down by the past or the now, or the what ifs and the have nots of life.

Suicide is a growing problem in the world. Too many people are being told they are defined by their failures and by what they aren't. 

Too many kinds are falling into the trap of thinking they need to race their peers through life goals.

Too many adults are being told they have to catch up, conform or get left behind.

Too many are being told that opting out is the better option, even a virtue to humanity.

But all of them are members of God's kingdom. There is no opting out, there is only what we choose to build. Misery is a choice. Suicide doesn't end misery or sadness. It creates more.

Suicide is a selfish act. It also takes a lot of courage. To anyone thinking about it I would ask that you please don't rob this world of your courage. It is in short supply here and we need yours.

Ironically, it is your courage that is being manipulated by social media and world culture and is the key to standing against the world saying "f- off, I can do it my way."

But when trapped in rat-race thinking courage becomes a burden, and placement seems paramount.

More

I will die. I know. What will I leave behind but unfulfilled desires and spent aspiration? My legacy, so familiar, so common. . . forgotten. Too sad to recall, or too uninspiring. 

I wasn't supposed to be here at all. I gave up, threw in the towel, killed myself years ago- years before anyone would have questioned my forgotten life. I could have been so much. There could have been so much more; more to write; more to see; more to experience; to know; to love; more to lose. 

Death would have secured my legacy of missed opportunities. It would have ensured people remembered me as all the things I could have been.

But now, in life, outliving my design, where is all I could have been? Where is the music, the knowledge, the experience, losses & loves? Where are the aspirations and potential?

Squandered! A legacy lost. In life I am as common as I ever feared I would become. Too common to remember; too common to stand out. The years of life I never intended to have... they could have been so much more to remember. They could have been anything you wanted; I could have been anything you wanted to remember me as. But now, alive, the bar is so high for attention, for legacy, that I'd almost rather be forgotten entirely.

No legacy, no sadness, no loss. No more.

But I am here, God damn me! I am HERE! Alive. Should I die again and be all that which I never wanted to become? Should I give up again and resign myself to being a lost cause and hopeless case? Has potential passed out of me? Is there not always more to see, more to learn, more to love, regardless of who else knows it? Experience isn't for them. Legacy isn't for the record keepers. It's for those who live it and leave it behind. I was never here for you.

I will die. This I know. And I leave behind so much more than any mortal will ever know. Legacy isn't temporal after all. Legacy is eternal. It is not bound by this life or any rememberance in it. I am a triumph- nomatter what is remembered or forgotten. I am that I am! And I am eternal. My legacy is eternal. And etrrnal is so much more. More, infinitely so.

This God damned life- yes it is damned- damned to be mortal, damned to be temporal- is only a part of my story. It is not my legacy. For I will conquer this life. I will triumph over death. I will exist erernal no matter who knows it or remembers my life.

One cannot opt out of eternal. One cannot simply give up their legacy. It simply is. Who then should remember me but me? Who then should I quit on? 

I quit the world. I will not leave it defeated, forgotten. But I will leave it behind me. It will I forget.

Time is the great teacher. Borrowed time has the deepest lessons. But all time in this life is borrowed. But not all see. We are so much more than this life. We are more than everything ever forgotten by mortals, or ever known. Legacy cannot be found here. Neither can it be rememered in life. For it can only be seen from beyond the veil of death.

I will die. I aspire toward it. What will I leave behind- how will I be remembered? Nothing and not at all. I refuse to be remembered. I will wait to be known. I refuse to part myself out to this mortal machine. I will save the whole of me for the eternal, for legacy everlasting. 

I will use this borrowed time to remember who I am designated to be by my creator. God may damn this life. It is his to do so. I will not be damned of myself nor him for thinking it is mine. Mine is granted after death. And after death will I live my legacy. Rather than be remembered I will be known by all who matter; and forgotten by the forgot.

Movies

When did feminism turn gay? Why does nearly every female ensamble in film have to have a lesbian angle?

I watch a lot of movies (opinion) and I enjoy female leads (basically I'd rather lool at pretty things than not,) but finding good movies with female leads is nearly impossible.

Why? This is a new thing in films as they have turned woke. Pre-2015 (ish) this wasn't as big of a problem. Sure, there was always the sexualization of women in film, but making women boring in film isn't the solution to that.

Why not just write a good script and plug in good actors? Are the writers still on strike? Did they all get fired?

Blows my mind that people making films think the answer to equity in film is making bad films. That's the job of student film and independents, not professionals. The standard has dropped so low it seems.

Anyway... go watch a movie. Support the industry. Then REVIEW them. Don't trash them just give honest opinions.

Also, stop watching crap. They don't need your encouragement. Weak & bad film makers and writers need to be ostracized, culled or edified.

Rant: in drag on the silver screen

preface:

 https://twitter.com/chadfelixg/status/1665713471193772035?t=QTuuP6TPcss56HohmcP-Tw&s=19

And comments.

Rant in response:

Yes & no. In the comments some one mentions Max Clinger from MASH. . . 

While yes, that's the joke, there's an obvious motivation in hollywood history to make this joke as often as they could get an actor in drag, and only with the stars. It is never a side character. 

So who is the butt of the drag joke really? But it's also an old tradition in show dating back to Shakespeare and further for different reasons. 

Shakespear played it up to satirize his oppressive culture where the art of show was concerned; PT Barnum made the Bearded Lady a standard joke. 

Then there was Vaudville that came creeping into everything show, and from Vaudville came much of Hollywood. So American t.v. & movies of the past don't get such an easy excuse. Their roots have always been politically & morally activist in nature. The joke was never that Bing Crosby made an ugly woman; the joke was on Big Crosby. 

Progressives have always hated the standard of human success and those who became its figureheads. You just never got the real joke because it was never funny. 

It was never about being funny. It was always about upending social norms that create success. And now we are at the end game when you will own nothing, have no rights, and must accept what you thought was a joke in good fun as normal reality and good. 

The con is so much longer than people realize. 

End of rant.

Strange

100% certain that the fabric of our universe is in flux or being effected  in a way that alters reality, history, future, and the passage of time.

I have always struggled with time. I is different for me than everyone I've ever met. Can't explain it but my time is not the same as yours. Time is fluid & erratic. It is not a constant speed or influence. Think of it as the difference betweem whem you are awake vs dreaming to get a sense of what I mean.

That's one factor. Time is moving now more often in the universe as it does in your dreams.

Another factor is multiple realities intertwined as one. You may have a different history than the person next to you, events that never happened etc. Just as in a dream all are true at the same time even when impossible.

People started noticing this years ago and coind the term Mandela effect, for reasons you can look up (maybe?) Another example was Shazam, the blue/gold/black/brown dress, and more.

I've come to believe that all are true. Quantum physics is not a minuscule world that governs only the very small, but in fact governs all matter in the same maner. We just never noticed it before because people have always bickered and fought.

This may well explain UFOs, ghosts, the spiritual realm, false memories, cultural hysterics, the odd things like invention happening around the world in isolation by seperate people at the same time- ideas and culture that seem universal yet independently created.

Could explain a lot about "history." 

It could also explain abilities humans have that we stiffle and relegate to the super natural; things like visions, prophecy, a 6th sense, karma, luck, etc.

All my life I have had visions of future events in my life in dreams. It is as common to me as seeing a blue bird. These events always play out exactly as I've seen them years before, in places I may never have been before that moment. They are just glimpses of reality not yet, exactly portrayed down to every emotion, blade of grass or spec of dust catching sunlight.

I also see something else in my dreams from time to time. Another reality- and pieces of time from it. It is not this earth or these cities, yet they are; not this future or time, but possibly both... it gets very confusing to think on.

All of this leads me to a truth of my existence, and that is that I know nothing that God doesn't allow me to see, and even that is so limites by my mind & body that I only see pieces of it.

Your reality may not be what you think it is. More importantly, it may not be the same as others'.

It's not simulation theory- but I think that idea is part of it all. It's not science fiction or delusion either. The nature of reality is being revealed. Why? Perhaps humans have grown. Or perhaps we are running out of time.

Perhaps God is near us and we are begining to experience the universe in a way we do not comprehend. Perhaps the mortal existence is too limited to see the whole of reality around us, but is still effected by it.

If you read revelations there is a lot of prophecy we can't see existing as we understand the universe to be. But what if what we understand of reality is like the perspective of an ant to our world?

Hold nothing dear but your God. Times are going to become more erratic, more difficult to hold on to this mortal understanding. Tomorrow may be a year away for some, and yesterday for others.

What IS

In life there is far less "good & bad" than we believe. For the most part there is only life, & the vast majority of it is neither good nor bad.

There IS life and there is what goes against life- that which we call sin or "bad."

Secularism teaches us that most of life is bad, something we need to adjust and alter for our temporal well being.

Religions teach us that life IS, and that we need only alter ourselves to align with it eternally.

A cult teaches that life is (note lowercase) but you have no power over it or yourself unless you pay dues to a temporal god, or prophet, or being, or man, or whatever serves the temporal needs of the institution (financially & otherwise.)

So what is "IS" and what is "is" becomes of great concern when seaking life- any life. Neither do you have "control" over, & both require giving yourself to a god.

This is why people choose a secular "life." But life IS, therefore a secular life will always find itself serving a lowercase god or "is." Which creates a secular "is" for the purpose of controlling it; because if there is no God life becomes something of one's own making. IS becomes I.

So life is 1 of 3 things: it IS, it is, or it's I.

This all gets confusing so most people replace "is" & "IS" with other things, good, bad, etc. And because vanity rules the self "I" becomes either "i" or "they, them, etc."

Because secularism is a mirror. It can only elevate one's self or reflect the lack of others. To the secular vision there is no mirror- they cannot see what IS- to them there is the image in the mirror and/or the world in the mirror, but never what is behind the mirror or what is in the other room.

Seeing what IS (by now you should recognize the capital is as acknowledgment of God, capital) becomes crucial for any soul seeking answers of their existence.

Seeing what "is" (lowercase) requires only what is easiest, and often leads one to outsource their life to another force; do what it requires and it provides what it can. 

"I" requires a denial of all things outside what one desires to be. And "i" is a surrender to all the other "I" & "is" perspectives of the temporal world; it is a hopeless compliance to what "is" with no acknowledgment of what "IS" life.

So what is life?

It is a plan. Following the plan of life brings further life, and life beyond life. Going against it brings despair; doing so we call "bad" or "sin," but these words are temporal aproximations of their meaning.

What IS is life eternal. What "is" is whatever you can muster before you die.

Most of us live a combination of "life is," life IS," & "i or I" want existence.

But there is only one existence, and it is eternal. Live for more than the life in the mirror; whether it's the image you see, that mysterious world of the other you, or the desire of what may be in those other rooms, it is all an illusion.

Coming

There will come a time when the wise will grow tired of explaining and all who will hear will have heard. That time is close.

And in that time there will be no justice, no forgiveness, no unity of peoples. The wise will go quietly because there will be no words that haven't already been spoken.

There will be no pretence or hidden places. The judged will be met with judgement where ever they find themselves, their hidden spaces revealed, their sactuaries destroyed. The righteous and wicked alike.